I have mentioned how sad I am that I do not have more pictures of my son, and that what few I do have are relatiely poor quality, taken with a simple point-and-shoot camera. I did not have my camera, or anything of mine, with me at the hospital, even if I were of any kind of sound mind to attempt to take pictures.<\/p>\n
But I have this one photo. And recently I have marvelled at this one photo, how perfect it is that it has his little hands folded in front of his face. I do not know if that was intentional on the part of the nurse who took them, as I had mentioned several times how much I loved his hands. But either way, it is just right.<\/p>\n
I do not have many photos, but I have one I really love.<\/p>\n
::<\/p>\n
I realized I do need to put some temporary distance between me, my SIL, and BabyH. As much as I do love my neice, right now I just can’t handle it all. I could handle the pregnancy and the labor, as I had been there before. But I cannot handle the homecoming. I cannot handle the happy new family. I cannot handle the stark reminder of what we were cheated. In a few months it will start to get easier, because they will start to move into a new normalcy of life. But in my head Devin is still a newborn, one I never got to bring home. Those thoughts are the most painful to me.<\/p>\n
::<\/p>\n
Sometimes I actually think back to those first few weeks with a bit of longing. We both felt so lost in grief, but Den took the time off work and we spent the time cleaning the house, watching movies. Now we need to go to work. He goes to baseball practice, I go to meetings. Life marches on, and I long for that time where we could just watch movies for a week, doing nothing but holding each others hand.<\/p>\n
::<\/p>\n