{"id":1158,"date":"2008-06-06T15:48:35","date_gmt":"2008-06-06T19:48:35","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/?p=1158"},"modified":"2008-06-06T15:48:35","modified_gmt":"2008-06-06T19:48:35","slug":"grey","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/?p=1158","title":{"rendered":"Grey"},"content":{"rendered":"

I do not feel strong today. I feel weak. Lost. Hopeless.<\/p>\n

I keep thinking about getting pregnant again, but even that thought isn’t upholding me today. So what if I get pregnant again. It’s not going to be Devin. Even if I do have another baby to love and hold, it’s never going to erase this hurt. I’m never going to feel better about this. I’m never going to feel complete.<\/p>\n

And I’m overwhelmed. The thought of living the rest of my life hurting, missing Devin, is too much. I don’t want to. I don’t care what the rest of my life holds. He’s not here. I feel completely empty except for the pain.<\/p>\n

I feel myself going into survival mode. Turning off my brain, my heart. Going back to putting one foot in front of the other. Not caring about anything, unable to see beyond myself. Everything is dark, everything is grey. There is no joy, there is no hope. Just pain.<\/p>\n

I started crying at work today. Luckily my coworkers understand. A. sat and listened to me, talked with me as I cried. Her eyes welled up too. I said, “It’s been 3 months today.” She said, “I know.”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I do not feel strong today. I feel weak. Lost. Hopeless. I keep thinking about getting pregnant again, but even that thought isn’t upholding me today. So what if I get pregnant again. It’s not going to be Devin. Even if I do have another baby to love and hold, it’s never going to erase […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[76,69],"class_list":["post-1158","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-ivf-3","tag-loss"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1158","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1158"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1158\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1158"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1158"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1158"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}