BabyH is here! (And no, I will not be posting her name, nor any pictures… sorry all, but it’s not my baby to share.) She was born at 12:29am on June 4 via c-section. She is healthy, SIL is healthy, so all is well.<\/p>\n
But boy do I have a lot of shit going on in my head right now. I debated posting this or not… but I decided I am dedicated to preserving in this blog what it was really like on this journey.<\/p>\n
I thought for sure she was coming on Tuesday. I really really wanted her to come on Tuesday. Why? Because when I got the message that SIL’s water had broken I realized that the date was 6\/3… Devin was born on 3\/6. I felt that meant something good. But she missed the date by 29 minutes. And I know<\/i> it shouldn’t matter what the hell date she came on, but in my head it matters. I’m upset over this. I’ll need some time to adjust.<\/p>\n
Secondly I’m really sad that SIL had the c-section that she wanted so badly to avoid. When I got the message that she was being induced – hours after her water had broken – I was a little worried for SIL. Not a good start to the labor. And when midnight passed with no word I started suspecting a c-section was on its way. And sure enough.<\/p>\n
There’s more reason that I’m upset by the c-section than just being sad for SIL, though. She didn’t have a vaginal birth, like I did. I guess in my mind that would have been one more thing we had in common to talk about, to share. Since the obvious is missing – raising a child, having a live baby – I feel like every little bit counts.<\/p>\n
It doesn’t help that by the time the text message came I was wound as tight as a spring and was literally feeling sick at the tension. Now it’s all hitting me. Picturing them proudly rejoicing in their healthy baby, in their new parenthood… remembering how my birth had such a different, grief-stricken end… just makes me weep.<\/p>\n
My instinct is either to run far away or run straight into the thick of it. Since running away simply isn’t an option, I need to jump into it. I need to see her as soon as possible – preferably before I start really driving myself insane. I need to meet her, to take photos of her so I can sit at home with them and let it all sink in. My imagination is a far worse threat than reality.<\/p>\n
Next to losing Devin this may well be the hardest thing I’ve ever faced. Light grant me strength. I feel so lost.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
BabyH is here! (And no, I will not be posting her name, nor any pictures… sorry all, but it’s not my baby to share.) She was born at 12:29am on June 4 via c-section. She is healthy, SIL is healthy, so all is well. But boy do I have a lot of shit going on […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[76,69],"class_list":["post-1156","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-ivf-3","tag-loss"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1156","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1156"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1156\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1156"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1156"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1156"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}