{"id":1150,"date":"2008-05-30T01:49:42","date_gmt":"2008-05-30T05:49:42","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/?p=1150"},"modified":"2008-05-30T19:33:37","modified_gmt":"2008-05-30T23:33:37","slug":"the-past-and-the-future-juxtaposed","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/?p=1150","title":{"rendered":"The Past and the Future, Juxtaposed"},"content":{"rendered":"

I don’t think I have a link to Devin’s site from this blog, as it’s pretty much all the same info as I have posted here (I actually have more here – the other site was\/is for my family). But I just added another page there: videos of me pregnant<\/a>.<\/p>\n

I have only one video of me walking and talking and being pregnant, and I was around 32 weeks at the time. But I also have two videos of my belly moving – of Devin moving. It took me over a month to be able to view and edit them, and I just now put them on a site for others to see. For me it is so bittersweet… I am SO HAPPY that I have them. Watching them reminds me of how wonderful it really was, reminds me that he existed. Reminds me of the good times we had.<\/p>\n

But it also reminds me that he’s gone. I can’t help but cry when I watch. How could this have gotten taken away from us? It doesn’t seem possible. Two and a half months later and it still feels like some kind of horrible nightmare that I just haven’t woken up from. I feel like a shell, walking and talking and doing all the right things to get me through each day, pouring my soul into my gardens with a grim determination to try to find some sort of meaning to my life again. To find something work getting up for in the morning.<\/p>\n

Better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all? I don’t know, I don’t know. Some days I’d do anything to remove this cloud from my heart… to make it stop hurting. But I never want to forget him. The grieving parent’s catch-22. There is no answer. But then again, there are no options either. It doesn’t matter what I want at any given moment, any given day. How I feel doesn’t seem to be affected by what I want<\/i>. It happens regardless.<\/p>\n

And that’s one of the many realizations, then kicks in the pants through this process, this change. All those self-help books that say you can make your life whatever you want it, you can acheive whatever you want to if only you try hard enough, if only you want<\/i> it enough. But bereaved parents know better. Sometimes what you do or think or say means jack shit. You are the ant, life is a gavel. You can say all the positive mantras you want, you can love dearly and honestly, you can truly believe. You go squish anyways.<\/p>\n

::<\/p>\n

Today was SIL’s due date. Baby still hasn’t come yet. I am attempting to mentally and emotionally prepare myself – at least, as much as is possible. Part of me thinks it’ll depend on the hour and the day. Somedays I’m close to tears anyways; somedays I feel pretty positive. But the other part of me thinks it really doesn’t matter what kind of day it is, I’m going to have a break down anyways. It’s so… well, “hard” doesn’t really seem to appropriately describe it. Conflicting. My own grief anger at the world mixed with anticipation and honest well-wishes for my SIL.<\/p>\n

Most of all I want to get this over with. Grief sucks, we all know that. Situations like this is like waiting for the salt, knowing it’s going to hurt. I want to run away from it and put it off as long as possible – I know just two weeks ago the thought of her going into labor early made me extremely panicked, like I wasn’t ready. And I’m still not ready, but I know the time is here. I want to work through it, deal with it, and move on with my life. I feel like I can’t move on until I’ve slogged my way through this. It might be easier than I expect, or it might be ten times harder – but the waiting sucks either way. I am scared. I am scared that it’s going to bring it all up again, watching and thinking about it. I am scared that it’s going to hurt as much as it’s ever hurt, and I just don’t want to feel that again. I am scared that I won’t be able to handle it, that it will somehow screw up my friendship with SIL. I am scared of this unknown future.<\/p>\n

I really look forward to being at a point where I can look back on this time of my life, remembering how much it sucked but with a little perspective, a little separation from it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I don’t think I have a link to Devin’s site from this blog, as it’s pretty much all the same info as I have posted here (I actually have more here – the other site was\/is for my family). But I just added another page there: videos of me pregnant. I have only one video […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[76,69],"class_list":["post-1150","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-ivf-3","tag-loss"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1150","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1150"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1150\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1150"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1150"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1150"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}