I’ve seen on forums people giving warnings about “triggers.” I understood conceptually, but not personally. Reading about another’s circumstance never made it worse for me. My pain was separate, unconnected.<\/p>\n
Tonight I understand.<\/p>\n
The rest of that book was indeed about pregnancy. I couldn’t not finish it, even though I kept telling myself it would be better to just leave it alone. But I was so close to finished so I kept reading, though a little faster than usual. I figured the book would have a happy end – and it did – but not without a major pregnancy issue that resulted in a scary preemie birth. My first thought when reading as the shit went down was, oh no, if the baby dies… I don’t want to read that, I don’t want to deal with that.<\/i> But when it became apparent that the baby was going to live and everything was going to end in a sunshiny happy family moment I got very angry. Books always do that… major bad things happen, but everything is okay in the end. The baby never dies in books. But that’s not how real life is. Guess dead babies don’t make good stories.<\/p>\n
The worst part was reading the part after everthing was coming around and reading about the protagonist’s wonder with her baby daughter, all the little things I will never get to know like the funny sounds they make, the way they flail around awkwardly. I skipped those parts. But it stuck in my mind.<\/p>\n
I was excited tonight because the season finale of House was on. (If you haven’t seen it yet, do not read any further, spoilers in action.) I excused myself from my conversation with my dad, got some food, and settled on the couch to read.<\/p>\n
Here’s the big spoiler: someone dies. And I. Fell. Apart. Watching the loved one break up as he hears the news, as he watches her die, watching him sob in gut-wrenching grief… It was too much for me. It was no longer about the TV show’s characters. I’ve cried for characters before, but I cried for them<\/i>, not for me<\/i>. All those pregnant and baby thoughts from the book were still lingering in my mind, and they combined with the grief bubbling up due to the show. I broke down sobbing, feeling like my heart was breaking all over again.<\/p>\n
I know<\/i> I have to go through this grief over and over to get to the other side. But there is no word for how much it sucks. I feel like I’m drowning in despair. I know at this point that it is possible to have good days, happy days. But on days like today none of it seems to matter. The whole preganncy seems like a dream, as do good days and future plans. All I know is what I do not have right now. My son is buried in a graveyard instead of being in my arms.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I’ve seen on forums people giving warnings about “triggers.” I understood conceptually, but not personally. Reading about another’s circumstance never made it worse for me. My pain was separate, unconnected. Tonight I understand. The rest of that book was indeed about pregnancy. I couldn’t not finish it, even though I kept telling myself it would […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[76,69],"class_list":["post-1145","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-ivf-3","tag-loss"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1145","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1145"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1145\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1145"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1145"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1145"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}