Last night after I posted about Zoe I sat on the couch with her. I watched TV, she napped. After a little while I nudged her over then pulled her on top of me. She’s not a tiny dog – she’s 30lbs – but she’s not huge either. So I layed on the couch with her bum on my lap and her head on my chest and just held her for half an hour while I watched TV. (She wasn’t too thrilled at first, but fell asleep anyways.)<\/p>\n
It was so so calming to cradle her like that, to stroke her silky fur and just relax in my love for another creature. It made me think that maybe when I do get to hold my next child it will heal a part of me, the aching emptiness. Not permanently, not completely… but for a moment. My love for Zoe reminds me that no matter how much I love my Devin, no matter how much my heart aches for missing him, there is always more love available.<\/p>\n
::<\/p>\n
I am not feeling so good this morning. So much for wearing my pre-pregnancy jeans – I’m way bloated this morning. It actually hurts.<\/p>\n
The bloating is not helping my self-image at all, either. I’m having a rough day of it: I got undressed to get in the shower and caught a look of my boobs in the mirror and nearly burst into tears. The big bloated pregnant-looking belly is making it that much worse. Did I mention my oily face that is breaking out all over the place, despite using Proactiv twice a day? I am tired of not liking what I see in the mirror. I’m sad that I can’t wear 99% of my old wardrobe because everything makes me look pregnant, which just sparks off a whole wave of sadness.<\/p>\n
Maybe I’d have felt like this even had Devin lived. Maybe it would have frustrated me just as much. But somehow I don’t think so. If I had a baby to take care of, if I had a baby to make up for the changes, it would feel like a fair trade. I’d be sad, but also proud of my battlescars. But now? Now it’s all just an ugly reminder of what I don’t have. I lost my body and my baby. I’m not seeing many positives there.<\/p>\n
Just frustrated. I’m going to work so I don’t have to think about it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Last night after I posted about Zoe I sat on the couch with her. I watched TV, she napped. After a little while I nudged her over then pulled her on top of me. She’s not a tiny dog – she’s 30lbs – but she’s not huge either. So I layed on the couch with […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[76,69,62],"class_list":["post-1133","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-ivf-3","tag-loss","tag-the-furkids"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1133","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1133"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1133\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1133"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1133"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1133"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}