Yesterday was somewhat of a disaster. We were out for the evening, a night with family to watch a band play, and, as they say, all roads lead to rome. In this case “rome” was me sitting in the hallway, crying. In some ways it’s fairly inevitable. I was just thinking about Devin a lot and feeling a little “off.” I just haven’t been doing so well lately without my numbness. It’s so hard to enjoy other things in life when you have this huge weight sitting on your chest.<\/p>\n
But what really got me was the unfortunate event of Den losing his wedding band last night. Like I said to MIL afterwards, it’s not like I blame him, and it’s just a band, it’s not really that big a deal… but on top<\/i> of everything else I just feel like I can’t take any more in my life. I was just sitting there as everyone looked for it thinking, you have to be effing kidding me. This, too?<\/i><\/p>\n
Thankfully the ring was found by the end of the night, but not after I gave in to a meltdown. In fact, it was me giving in to my meltdown that ended up leading to the return of the ring. I picked a corner of the hallway to sink into a tall wing-back chair and hope no one really noticed me. Den ended up coming to get me (though not before sending SIL to the bathroom, “violating every woman in there,” in her words, to try to find me). It was there as I was looking at Den crouching beside my chair, my vision blurred with tears as I tried to compose myself, that I saw the ring laying in the middle of the hallway behind him.<\/p>\n
Last night I was having a really hard time with not being pregnant. It occurs to me that I would probably feel this way even if Devin were here… I miss<\/i> being pregnant so very, very much. I loved<\/i> being pregnant. I loved going out with my big belly, I loved people commenting, asking about the baby… I really did feel that glow people mention, I felt just so so very happy in my body. I miss that just as much as anything else. The loss of Devin just makes it so much worse, because I have nothing to make up for that loss of pregnancy. Maybe it’s good, in the grand scheme of things, that I can’t get pregnant easily.<\/p>\n
I am attempting to go to this baby shower today. I have no idea how it’s going to go. If I end up getting upset I am just leaving. But there’s a chance I could be okay. So we’ll see. It’s easier if I focus on the fact that I will<\/i> be pregnant again…. maybe soon. That keeps me going.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Yesterday was somewhat of a disaster. We were out for the evening, a night with family to watch a band play, and, as they say, all roads lead to rome. In this case “rome” was me sitting in the hallway, crying. In some ways it’s fairly inevitable. I was just thinking about Devin a lot […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[76,69],"class_list":["post-1117","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-ivf-3","tag-loss"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1117","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1117"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1117\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1117"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1117"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1117"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}