One thing I forgot to mention was that I also asked the midwife about Devin’s size. He weighed only 4lb 10.5oz at nearly 36 weeks gestation and we thought that seemed rather small. But the midwife said that he would have been around 6.5 lbs at full term, which is completely normal. I guess it’s just a lot smaller than what I was expecting. It seems that he was a smaller baby. I always just figured I’d have a bigger baby… not sure why.<\/p>\n
It’s been a rough day. Just… rough. I was snappish with the dogs all day, blowing my top every time they barked (which is frequently, since with the windows all open they are hearing and reacting to every. little. sound). I nearly threw a fit because the floors are dirty and I just can’t stand the feel of dirt under my feet. I wasn’t even feeling very cuddly with Den (until we went to bed, then I was fine).<\/p>\n
I just can’t stop thinking about Devin. All day, every minute, I’ve been thinking about him. And not in that fond-memory kind of way, in the I-can’t-believe-this-got-taken-from-us way. I saw a baby on a commercial and could barely breathe. I stared, fixated on the little baby arms and thinking about babies dressed in a onesies and oh god it just broke my heart all over again. Getting through the day feels like swimming through sludge. I can’t see ahead of me, I can’t breathe, and moving takes do much damn effort.<\/p>\n
Sometimes I try rationalizing it. I think about it philosophically. What I wrote yesterday is true in a physical sense: we’re pretty much where we were before. Before we got pregnant we were infertile, not pregnant, and didn’t have a baby. Now we’re most likely still infertile, not pregnant, and don’t have a baby. If I had never gotten pregnant I wouldn’t have this huge hole in my heart, not like this. I would be mourning the fact that we don’t have a baby still, but I wouldn’t be bogged down with thoughts of this one baby. And I guess a part of me just can’t quite understand why it hurts so damn much. We didn’t know him, other than the kicks he gave. How could he possibly be the “perfect” baby? Won’t our next one be just as perfect? Aren’t the what-ifs just caused by my own mind?<\/p>\n
And yes, some days I just want to run away from it all. I want to shut off that part of my brain and go back to my old life, the life of the Natalie who didn’t hurt all the damn time. But then I realize what I wished for and I feel guilty, so very guilty. I never want to forget, but how can you move on when you’re clinging to what should have been? I’m still trying to dis-entangle it all.<\/p>\n
I’m trying to avoid all things baby right now. Even friends. I just can’t handle any cute pictures or stories. Not today. If the baby shower were today I would definitely not be going. But it’s not until Sunday (I thought it was Saturday, I was wrong), so I’ll see how I feel then. The moods really seem to swing pretty heavy from day to day… there is no predicting.<\/p>\n
I finally booked my first dentist appointment for next week. I have put off going to the dentist for years now, but they’re hurting so bad right now… I’m still majorly clenching my jaw, and I know I am. I do it all day long and I have to keep mentally reminding myself to cut it out – a lot of times I don’t notice until it’s hurting. Plus my teeth in general, I know they need to be taken care of. I told my boss that I’m in a bad spot emotionally, so I’m trying to take care of myself physically. I want to get things taken care of before I get pregnant again… start off on the right foot, I guess.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
One thing I forgot to mention was that I also asked the midwife about Devin’s size. He weighed only 4lb 10.5oz at nearly 36 weeks gestation and we thought that seemed rather small. But the midwife said that he would have been around 6.5 lbs at full term, which is completely normal. I guess it’s […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[76,69],"class_list":["post-1115","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-ivf-3","tag-loss"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1115","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1115"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1115\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1115"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1115"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1115"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}