I loved living in the moment, I appreciated everything. I want to be able to do that again, but it is so far out of reach right now. The moment sucks<\/i>. Sometimes I run across some other posting that makes me think about my day and try to find something positive that happened. I usually can’t. I can sometimes identify things that “didn’t suck much.” I can identify good times I spent with my husband, or good conversations I had with a close friend. But “positive”? Not really.<\/p>\n
I realized tonight that my sister-in-law is 34 weeks pregnant, a mere 2 weeks away from the point where I had Devin. It’s so strange how fast it’s going by, and yet it’s not nearly fast enough. I want this all to be over<\/i> with. I want her to have the baby so I can deal with it and move on. Thinking about her being in her third trimester just sucks the breath right out of me. (And it’s not just her – it’s anyone in their third tri.) Over and over again I think about where I was supposed to be. Big bellies haunt me. I can’t get it out of my head. And when I do I run across someone else who is there and it starts all over again.<\/p>\n
I don’t know if her having a newborn is going to be any easier. Just thinking about watching her find her way through new parenthood makes me ache. I was supposed to be blazing the trail before her, sitting with her sharing stories. Now I’m just an observer. Worse than an observer. So no…. I can’t see it being much easier. But it will be different. It’s an unknown. I’ll take my chances if I can just get past this part now.<\/p>\n
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I looked up Devin’s sign. He was supposed to be an Aries, but being born early he would have been a Pisces. For some reason that makes my heart ache more. I can see myself parenting a Pisces. I imagined him with a personality like that.<\/p>\n
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