I am getting very nervous and emotional about the memorial tomorrow, about a lot of things. I never really thought it would all matter so much, but suddenly it really does matter a whole lot. Everything matters.<\/p>\n
Yesterday I realized that I am not handling gatherings of people very well. Having a couple over is fine, I can sit and talk and cry and I feel good when they leave. But groups of people are just too much, apparently. I explained to my mom that with one-on-one conversations I’m half the input and people seem much more aware of where I am emotionally. I’m able to connect with the person and talk about Devin and it’s a positive experience. Being in a gathering of people yesterday just felt very overwhelming. Conversation between other people seemed so meaningless. I just don’t care enough to contribute to group chit-chat, so I sit or stand alone. And it’s not like the conversation was offensive or that anyone was doing anything disrespectful. It’s simply that I am not at a place yet to be able to function like that.<\/p>\n
The timing really sucked though, because today I’m sitting there realizing that tomorrow, for the memorial, we have a bunch of people coming over. I started to worry. What if it’s like yesterday? What if people just chit-chat and I feel like I want to scream? I’m suddenly really<\/i> nervous about it. Den mentioned that his nieces are coming and I’m really unsure about that. They’re only 7 – I love them to death, but tomorrow I’m going to be a mess, almost guaranteed. Are they going to be able to really understand? I don’t want to have to worry about being appropriate for children. I can’t see anything that would be inappropriate, but who knows at this point.<\/p>\n
I also feel a little sad that we are having so many people over for this important time and it’s almost entirely Den’s family. I’m glad my mom is here. Like I told my mom, it’s not like I don’t like Den’s family or anything, and it’s not like I expect any of my family to come – it’s just a side-effect of me living here.<\/p>\n
Den and I had a disagreement about Devin’s photo and the other things I’m going to have on display. It wasn’t an argument or anything – it was just one of those times were you think you’re on the same page, but realize in a conversation that you aren’t.<\/p>\n
I intended to have a table set up with all of Devin’s things and photos and everything. I can’t fully explain why, but I just know that it is supremely important to me that everyone sees them. I want people to see his photo. I want them to know him, to appreciate him. I don’t give a damn if they even say anything to me, I just want them to know what a beautiful boy he was, to realize what a huge loss this is. Everyone here online has read my story, has followed along and understands everything we went through. Family and real-life friends haven’t.<\/p>\n
But Den, he is uncomfortable with that sort of thing. His idea for the memorial was to plant a tree and eat food. He doesn’t have this need to talk about Devin like I do, or to share his things. He mentioned concerned about putting it all out “in peoples’ faces.” I know he worries that some people will feel very uncomfortable with looking at Devin’s photo, and he mentioned the fact that kids will be there.<\/p>\n
I admit, I am having a hard time feeling concerned about how others might react in this particular instance. The fact that people may feel uncomfortable doesn’t seem to register in my brain as something of importance. In any other case, at any other time, I would be preoccupied with that too. But this weekend I am feeling like an emotional basketcase. It’s my due date. This is Devin’s memorial. People are coming to support us in our grieving process. So yeah, I’m feeling extremely selfish and simply not caring. I’m doing this for me<\/i>, and I admit that. And besides, I think to myself that this is a memorial, people know it’s a memorial, it is not going to be comfortable. Like Den has told me in the past (when I complained about going to a funeral) that you go to a funeral to show support for the grieving people. Not because it’s something you want to do, they are inherently uncomfortable. (I will never complain about going to a funeral ever again, I get it now<\/i>. I get how important it is.)<\/p>\n
That being said, my husband is grieving too and the last thing I want to do is make him uncomfortable tomorrow. It’s not a bad thing that he wants things different than I do, I am not upset with him about it or anything, that’s simply not his way of grieving and coping and I respect that. He said he’s absolutely fine with me putting out everything I want to, he just prefers it to be in an adjoining room, not right where everyone is going to be sitting. That way we can let people know it’s all there to view if they want to, and if someone really is uncomfortable or upset by it they can just not look. It’s not my first choice, but as long as everything will be out and available, then I’m okay with it. So that’s what we’re going to do.<\/p>\n
We’ve told people to come over between 5 and 5:30. We hope to have dinner ready at 6, and the tree planting will be at 7 – specifically at 7 because Devin was born at 6:58.<\/p>\n