In regards to anxiety and medication: I am currently on celexa for my depression, but that may need to be adjusted (though I don’t think it does, as the depression is in check) or another medication added. Despite being medicated for 6 years now I am really not a fan of medication unless it’s really necessary… managing my depression is most definitely necessary, there is a hormonal imbalance in my body. This anxiety (if it is anxiety) is due to circumstance, not a brain short-circuit. I realy wonder if medicating would be any more than a stop-gap measure to get me through. So if possible I would like to find ways of dealing with the stress. Exercise, heathy eating, yoga, meditation… I don’t know. I’ll try some things.<\/p>\n
It’s really kind of weird if this all really is some form of anxiety. My depression is not just depression… it has a lot of different aspects to it, and one of them is anxiety. When I’m not on my medication I get really anxious about things being “right” or “not right” and feeling like the universe is out of alignment, in a manner of speaking. Everything upsets me and makes me anxious, which leads to feeling depressed. I also used to have panic attacks, though they were infrequent.<\/p>\n
But this? Whatever this is, it’s nothing like what I’m used to. Anxiety, to me, is a mental\/emotional thing… and I don’t have that. I have a deep, deep sadness… sorrow… grief. But no panic. No typical anxiety or depression. Whatever this is is coming out purely in physical symptoms.<\/p>\n
Tomorrow is my due date. Saturday was always the start of a new week. I haven’t really been thinking much about that (maybe just intentionally not thinking about it) but I’m sitting here tonight wondering if that’s part of what’s getting to me, why everything is bad right now. I’m not conciously thinking about it, but I wonder if it’s sitting in my subconcious. I’ll see if things get better after this weekend, then figure out what I want to do about it if it doesn’t.<\/p>\n
::<\/p>\n
Tonight was dinner with friends. It went… okay.<\/p>\n
I decided last-minute to get some mudslides to drink while there. They tasted good and I ended up drinking four of them in very short order. On purpose. And to be fair, for a while there I felt a little hazy in a good way, like things didn’t matter so much. (Before that I had felt just too serious for the conversations that were going on… I don’t know, just a little antisocial.) So that was good. Food was excellent.<\/p>\n
But then it went bad. I went to the bathroom upstairs and on the way back down I just stopped in the stairwell. The sounds of conversation and laughter from the kitchen just seemed so very very wrong to my ears. It had been an evening without Devin being mentioned (though to be fair no one had mentioned SIL’s pregnancy either, so it’s not like Devin was being specifically ignored) and at that moment it all just felt so very wrong. Life shouldn’t just be going on like normal while I hurt so very much inside. I did go back into the kitchen, but my stomach started feeling unwell so I went back up to the bathroom, thinking I might be sick. Instead I ended up sitting in the middle of the bathroom floor, bawling. Den came looking for me and found me there. He sat with me for a while, gathered me against his chest as I cried it out.<\/p>\n
The rest of the evening was fine. I felt better after I had cried. Better… but still felt withdrawn and quiet. Conversation went on. Someone asked how I was doing, I said simply, “Not good.” Some sympathetic words were said. It helped a little.<\/p>\n
Days like today I just really wonder if I’m ever going to be able to find true joy again. I feel a lot of things… great, deep love for my husband… amusement at my pets… thankfulness for my friends. But will I ever feel joy again? Pure, unmitigated joy, without the cut of sorrow through it? My heart feels so heavy I don’t know if it will ever be able to fully pick itself off the ground.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
In regards to anxiety and medication: I am currently on celexa for my depression, but that may need to be adjusted (though I don’t think it does, as the depression is in check) or another medication added. Despite being medicated for 6 years now I am really not a fan of medication unless it’s really […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[76,69],"class_list":["post-1093","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-ivf-3","tag-loss"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1093","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1093"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1093\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1093"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1093"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1093"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}