I am feeling a lot more calm about things today. Yesterday really knocked me for a loop. I didn’t fall apart or anything, I only cried a little, but my head was just spinning. Today I have a little bit more of a grip on things.<\/p>\n
I am still struggling to understand how in the hell we could be that 1 in 50,000 or whatever the number may be (different articles give different rates for amniotic bands so it’s hard to get a solid number). That’s the part that has me most stunned right now. I had a strong feeling it was going to come down to a cord accident, but I expected a run-of-the-mill cord accident: nuchal cord, or just that it got trapped. Horrible things to think about, but from my reading it does happen with alarming frequency. When a baby is stillborn a lot of the time it comes down to one of those things. So it really threw me for a loop to be told that it was indeed a form of cord accident, but it was this really freakishly rare thing that they rarely ever see.<\/p>\n
It just feels like I fell into a new alternate reality again. We are not unusual people. I always liked to think I was “different” and to stand out in some way, but we live normal lives under the radar, we are “different” and yet unremarkable. We struggled with infertility, but so does over 10% of the population. I found comfort in finding so many infertiles online. I found comfort in talking to others who have suffered stillbirths. And now I feel like I stand alone, stand apart. And I know it doesn’t mean anything in the end, it doesn’t change anything, but it feels so strange to be so incredibly unique.<\/p>\n
And I keep asking, why us? I don’t expect an answer. I don’t believe in any grand plan, I don’t believe we were “selected.” But the question hangs in the air anyway. Why? How? There were 49,999 chances Devin would be fine. How the hell did we land on that one black square in the overwhelming sea of white? And, moreover, why us after all we struggled through? That keeps running through my head… the thought that we paid our dues, we struggled through adversity to get pregnant. Stillbirth after infertility feels like the cruelest joke fate could have played on anyone. At least for most people after a stillbirth their only question is when do we feel ready to get pregnant again?<\/i> For us that question is not nearly as important as when we will be able<\/i> to… and what we are going to have to do to achieve it.<\/p>\n
But at the same time I feel tremendously relieved. I swear, when I thought it was a “normal” cord accident the thought of going to sleep each night while pregnant was terrifying – and I’m not pregnant yet, so I’m sure the fear would be ten times stronger once I was. I realized today that a lot of my anxiety about my next pregnancy has been lifted. Knowing that this was such a rare, freaky thing… well it helps reassure me that next time will be okay. There’s really no sense worrying in something that is such a completely freak accident…. it’s like worrying that my husband will get struck by lightning while walking the dogs. I’ll still worry…. still be anxious as all hell… but some things are just beyond predicting in any rational sense. And I hope that in my next pregnancy I can still find some part of the joy and contentment that I had with Devin. I do not want to live 9 months in utter fear.<\/p>\n
Of course the more pressing issue is still getting<\/i> pregnant.<\/p>\n
Every day I send out a “prayer” to the world, pleading to please please let me get pregnant. I still don’t believe in any form of god so I really have no idea what I’m “praying” to. It’s kind of like writing here in my blog… I just put it out there. I’ve never even been a believer in the whole “positive energy” thing, but I feel the need to do it anyways.<\/p>\n
Please, please, please let me get pregnant soon. I NEED that. And damnit, after all I’ve been through, I deserve that much.<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I am feeling a lot more calm about things today. Yesterday really knocked me for a loop. I didn’t fall apart or anything, I only cried a little, but my head was just spinning. Today I have a little bit more of a grip on things. I am still struggling to understand how in the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[76,69],"class_list":["post-1086","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-ivf-3","tag-loss"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1086","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1086"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1086\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1086"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1086"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1086"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}