I am gad Easter isn’t a big deal to us, seeing how it was the first holiday to get through since losing Devin. We had lunch at his mom’s house with family, and all in all it was fine. Low-key. Not too stressful.<\/p>\n
People ask how I’m doing. I usually respond with, “It comes and goes.” Because that’s the honest truth… it seems like the best way to answer. I’m not just “okay.” I’m not “good.” I’m also not curled up in the corner 24\/7. I’m functioning – we both are. But the grief, it comes and goes all the time.<\/p>\n
Pregnant SIL was there. I enjoyed chatting with her, as usual, but it still brings up memories of course. I tried not to stare at her belly – I miss mine so much. I’m fine chatting with her now… where she’s at now in pregnancy I have been, so I still feel a sense of connection. When she gets close to her due date and, worse, has the baby? I just don’t know. I don’t know how I’ll be able to handle that. I can barely think about it, to be honest… it just makes me hurt for what I don’t have.<\/p>\n
The rest of the day has been pretty melancholy. Too much time to sit and let the sorrows swirl around in my head… the what-ifs that will kill you if you let them. I feel a tightness in my chest. Not overwhelming, but enough that I find it harder to breathe. The kind of pressure that is just there, all around, no matter what I’m doing. I watch a movie and feel the tears press at the back of my eyes. I know the tears have nothing to do with the scene I’m watching…. it’s just a trigger to release what’s been lurking all day.<\/p>\n
I sit and think about all the holidays to come…. from now until I die I will always think of Devin and wish he were there. I think a lot about Christmas and how the hell I’m going to get through it. Last Christmas was so exciting because we kept talking about next Christmas and how great it was going to be with Devin. I really don’t know how I’m going to handle it. To be honest, I think about just going to my parents for Christmas, instead of dealing with Christmas here with SIL’s baby. Devin’s cousin. At least at my parents’ there are no babies. But I guess this is a decision we can make later. I realize it’s still all so fresh – but honestly I don’t see the first Christmas getting any easier. I just don’t see me getting through it without an aweful lot of tears. I wish on every star in the damn sky that I get pregnant before then to at least soften the blow.<\/p>\n
It’s just not an upbeat kind of day.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I am gad Easter isn’t a big deal to us, seeing how it was the first holiday to get through since losing Devin. We had lunch at his mom’s house with family, and all in all it was fine. Low-key. Not too stressful. People ask how I’m doing. I usually respond with, “It comes and […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[76,69],"class_list":["post-1079","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-ivf-3","tag-loss"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1079","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1079"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1079\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1079"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1079"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1079"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}