My mind is just swirling tonight. I think part of the reason I feel so numb is that I’m still in a state of disbelief. How can my baby be dead? How could the person I carried for 8 months be gone? How can that even happen to me?<\/p>\n
Being infertile sucked, but I accepted it just like I accepted my depression… it was a state of being, my body was broken and needed help. I was angry about it, I was frustrated, I was bitter, but I accepted it.<\/p>\n
But this? Something aweful happened to me. To me<\/i>. Nothing terrible has ever happened to me. Oh my first boyfriend broke up with me many moons ago, and I cried terrible, heart-wrenching tears back then over it. But breaking up with your boyfriend, that happens to normal people. This is… this is just terrible. The odds are stacked against it. You hear stories of it happening to people, to strangers. And you feel sad about it, and you shiver because you just don’t want to think about things like that happening. But you never think it’s going to happen to YOU. Ever. Not once did it go through my head. I worried a little about miscarrying – that happens to a lot of people. But I was way past that. I was worried about preterm labor, having a baby too early. But you never think it’s just going to be OVER. Just like that. Nothing anyone can do. Freak accident. You’re that exception to the rule. You’re that person the bad thing happened to.<\/p>\n
And I’m just… struggling to accept that. My entire life got flipped entirely upside down, just like that, and I’m just sitting on the floor with my mouth hanging open. I’m in some alternate reality and there’s a part of me that’s still waiting to find that magic gate back to normal reality. The one where bad things just don’t happen. Not like that.<\/p>\n
Did I mention I’ve gotten a little bit paranoid? I keep having these fears that Den will get into an accident or something. I get nervous when he’s not at home. I get nervous when he is<\/i> home. I know that bad things can and do happen. I don’t feel safe anymore.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
My mind is just swirling tonight. I think part of the reason I feel so numb is that I’m still in a state of disbelief. How can my baby be dead? How could the person I carried for 8 months be gone? How can that even happen to me? Being infertile sucked, but I accepted […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[76,69],"class_list":["post-1074","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-ivf-3","tag-loss"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1074","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1074"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1074\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1074"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1074"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1074"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}