Today is Den’s first day back at work. I most definitely feel better able to handle it than I did last week – we are both very glad he took the time off. I am struggling, but am not having panic attacks.<\/p>\n
I have felt on the edge of tears all day. I’ve had to go through my RSS blog reader and temporarily remove blogs just so I didn’t get a constant reminder. I’ll read something about a baby and burst out crying. Why does everyone get to bring home a healthy baby but me? I deserve my little boy too. I want my little boy.<\/p>\n
I still struggle with the desperate need inside to turn back time somehow – I want to go back and fix it. I want to wake up from this nightmare. I’m still stunned that somehow all of this got taken away from us. I was finally getting out of the hole, my life was finally falling into place. I was finally getting over my feelings of anger and bitterness. And now I’m right back here again. Worse, in some ways. I had it. I had it RIGHT in front of me. And just like that…… it’s gone.<\/p>\n
I want so badly to get pregnant again. I’m absolutely terrifed that we will be stuck in another 2 years of hell again and I just can’t handle that. It might be different if we knew I could just get pregnant like normal people. But I know everyone in this situation has a different response… some couples don’t feel anywhere close to being able to handle pregnancy again for a long time. That’s not us.<\/p>\n
It hurts so goddamn much I feel like my heart is being torn out. I’ve spent a lot of time being numb the last week…. and to be honest I feel myself clinging to that numbness a lot of the time because the pain hurts so much. I know I have to grieve to heal, but at the same time I know the numbness is my mind’s way of protecting itself from completely falling apart.<\/p>\n
I just sit here looking at his picture, bawling my eyes out. I miss him so very, very much…. my precious, perfect little boy. I am in awe that we made such a beautiful little creature. I’d give anything to have him here with us now.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Today is Den’s first day back at work. I most definitely feel better able to handle it than I did last week – we are both very glad he took the time off. I am struggling, but am not having panic attacks. I have felt on the edge of tears all day. I’ve had to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[76,69],"class_list":["post-1070","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-ivf-3","tag-loss"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1070","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1070"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1070\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1070"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1070"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1070"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}