A large part of the reason I am handling this all so well is because of my long history with depression. That sounds kind of backwards when you think about it – you would assume that, with my history of depression, this kind of tragedy would cause me to fall out of control. And yes, that is a possibility (I MUST remember to take my meds). However that’s not the way it seems to be turning out.<\/p>\n
You see, I have over 8 years of experience in dealing with really rough, negative emotions. I spent a year, before being put on medication, living in the worst emotional hell imaginable. It did not have a cause, no “reason” to feel that way – and that actually made it worse. I knew<\/i> I had no reason to feel depressed: I lived with my parents, I got good grades, I had a happy family, I had nice “things.” Yet I felt like I was at the bottom of a well and couldn’t claw myself out. I spent my days in bed, weeping – getting out of bed was too much effort. I felt like life would never be okay, there would never be anything worthwhile. I can hardly put it into words how I felt – but it was<\/i> hell.<\/p>\n
People have commented to me on many occasions that I seem so aware of my emotions and feelings. And I am – I have practice. Lots and lots of practice. Living with depression is something that you manage. The medication helps prevent that deep well – but I still have to be very aware of my thought processes and emotions. I had to learn what was normal emotions and what was irrational depression emotions. I had to learn how to redirect my thinking processes. I had to learn to acknowledge my thoughts and emotions and deal with them in a constructive way.<\/p>\n
All of this has led me to now. I have all these tools to deal with the grief. I can certainly understand why people who are unprepared need to see a counselor – it would be easy to get lost in it all and never find yourself. It would be easy to give up and wonder why life is even worth living. But I know you just have to put one foot in front of the other and keep plodding through it. I know that even when you feel like you will never feel okay again, someday the darkness won’t be so heavy. Look at what I have, what I had. I have lived<\/i>. I have experienced hope, and love. I have experienced pregnancy and labor. I have a wonderful husband, I have fantastic friends, I have four very quirky pets that make me laugh – all things I never would have experienced and enjoyed if I had not gotten through the depression. I will get past this, too, and will find more experiences that I never would have imagined. I have to believe that.<\/p>\n
Den and I, too – our relationship is strong because<\/i> of everything we have endured. We actually met before I was put on medication – he was a key person in helping me get through that period, get on medication, and get my life sorted out. And over the past 6 years of our relationship he has had plenty of occassions to deal with me as a giant emotional mess. He knows how to recognize a bad mood, a bad day… and he knows how to pick me up and support me while I find my feet again. We got through 3 years apart, while I finished my degree (8 months apart during the semesters, 4 months together during the summers), which built the foundation for our relationship: communication. You don’t do long distance without learning really good communication skills.<\/p>\n
Today Den and I slow danced in the living room to music in our heads, my head on his shoulder, his arms protectively around me. He held me as I cried. He rested his head against mine, feeling his own sorrow. We know how to get through this, together.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
A large part of the reason I am handling this all so well is because of my long history with depression. That sounds kind of backwards when you think about it – you would assume that, with my history of depression, this kind of tragedy would cause me to fall out of control. And yes, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[76,69],"class_list":["post-1066","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-ivf-3","tag-loss"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1066","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1066"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1066\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1066"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1066"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1066"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}