Today is a bad day. I just feel so empty and lost… I think we both do this morning. The sky outside is blue, the world outside seems so normal. Even our house… with the dogs and the cats napping in their usual spots… just seems too normal. The silence accentuates what is missing.<\/p>\n
Den and I talked last night about how you go from not thinking about him, then you feel guilty, then you think about him and it sucks the air right out of you with the grief. I realized how different his grief is from mine. I had Devin growing inside me, I got to experience everything first-hand. All he had were his hopes and dreams for after he was born, and they are all gone now. He lost everything. He doesn’t have those fond memories in the same way that I do. He is angry… angry at the world for taking this away from him. I tried to comfort him as best I can, but… I don’t know how much it helps. I worry that my way of grieving causes him more pain.<\/p>\n
Last night was so freaking hard. I’ve started feeling really anxious when the sun sets. I may need to adjust my meds (which we knew might be a possibility), though right now I think the anxiety is understandable – I can tell the difference between hormonal imbalance anxiety and external events anxiety. Every evening Den and I have been turning on the TV and finding something to watch together… a movie, some Law and Order. It’s something that I can look forward to, in a way… some time just spent clinging to my husband.<\/p>\n
I just hate the darkness so much. and last night we moved back into our bedroom… newly painted… but the same bed. Getting into bed was anguish. The same bed that, every night, I would sit up in with my laptop and watch my belly move around. It was “our” time together, Devin and I. And my heart ached so very, very badly to lay there and be alone in my body. God it hurt so much. I just cried on Den’s shoulder.<\/p>\n
I slept all night pressed up against him. I think we used only half the king-size bed. I’ve also started feeling a lot of anxiety when I’m not in the same room as him. I need him near me. When I start feeling upset I go and find him, wherever he is in the house. The thought of him going back to work tomorrow (which is something he needs to do for himself, to keep busy) makes me feel extremely anxious. I’m not really sure how I’m going to get through that.<\/p>\n
Today’s just one of those days where I can’t see any light at the end of this. I can’t see how on earth I’m going to keep getting through day after day of grief and get on with my life. I can’t see how my life will ever be “okay” again.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Today is a bad day. I just feel so empty and lost… I think we both do this morning. The sky outside is blue, the world outside seems so normal. Even our house… with the dogs and the cats napping in their usual spots… just seems too normal. The silence accentuates what is missing. Den […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[76,69],"class_list":["post-1059","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-ivf-3","tag-loss"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1059","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1059"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1059\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1059"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1059"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1059"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}