this site<\/a>. They do custom engraving of handprints and footprints – which to me is so much more meaningful than a stock image. Especially given how much his little hands mean to me. And a birthstone… Devin was born in March, he’s aquamarine like his daddy. I think that is fitting for our little boy, I like that.<\/p>\nFriends of ours wanted to get us a plant of some sort and suggested planting a memorial tree, which we both really like the idea of. And I’m thinking a marker stone at the base of it. Devin is going to be buried in the hospital’s graveyard – we have no family plot or grave and really no wish for one (as neither of us particularly want to be buried, we’d rather be cramated and have our ashes spread somewhere or something), so we let the hospital take care of it. So I think the idea of a memorial marker in our yard is really nice for us. Den agrees with me and thinks that it would be a good time to have family over – to plant a tree and set the marker. I’m really liking the idea of a small little “memorial” here, at the house. I’m going to get the certificate and hand and footprints framed. And I really do think that the family and friends would like to show up and offer support. People keep saying, “What can I do? What can I say?” And we don’t know.<\/p>\n
We don’t need<\/i> things, and in some ways we feel guilty about people spending money on us (we felt that way about baby items too, though), but people want to do something, anything to help. And it means so<\/i> much to us that everyone is thinking of us. Please know that. We don’t need gifts to feel how much everyone cares – every comment on this blog is a comfort.<\/p>\n
::<\/p>\n
One of the weirdest parts of this mourning process is how you bounce back and forth. Den and I actually watched a really funny movie on TV Friday morning at the hospital, we were laughing pretty hard at it. It felt GOOD to laugh. And we didn’t really feel guilty about it, either. We needed it. But then someone would come in to talk to us about, say, memorial plots and services, and we’d be crying again and lost in the grief. It goes back and forth all day. I’ll be happily working on something online (granted it’s something regarding Devin, but that’s what makes me happy right now, getting things all set, capturing memories, organizing photos and stuff), and then I’ll read something… or a memory will surface… or I’ll click on a photo… and tears will be rolling down my face.<\/p>\n
Looking at things doesn’t hurt as much as I thought it would. I stared at my most recent maternity photos today and just felt… glad… glad that I have them. Most of all I looked at my face reflected in the photo and felt sad that that joy is gone. The feeling of pure peace and contentment that I projected…. is gone. It’s kind of weird, like I’m looking at someone else. The memories… they sting, of course. It hurts because it’s gone. But at the same time, I’m so glad I have them. Devin did live for 8 months with us, inside me. And I cherished every single moment with him.<\/p>\n
This morning Den said to me sadly that he wishes we had some video, that we never got some video of me being pregnant. And I told him… yes we did. I got videos of my belly moving, the first day we had the camcorder. They’re still on the camcorder, I haven’t figured out how to get them off of it… but I have them! And we both just cried realizing we have them. At least we have that. Every memory, every momento is precious. It has made me ever so glad that I kept track of this pregnancy like I did. Sometimes I felt foolish, blogging every detail, photographing my belly button, measuring my belly and my weight, but I knew I would look back fondly. And I do.<\/p>\n
One of the items in that gift basket my friend brought us is a CD of songs. I’m not even remotely a country fan, but Garth Brooks’ song The Dance has me in tears… it’s just so fitting. For us the dance is pregnancy… and what a dance it was.<\/p>\n
Garth Brooks – The Dance<\/b>
\nLooking back on the memory of
\nThe dance we shared beneath the stars above
\nFor a moment all the world was right
\nHow could I have known you’d ever say goodbye
\nAnd now I’m glad I didn’t know
\nThe way it all would end the way it all would go
\nOur lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
\nBut I’d have had to miss the dance
\nHolding you I held everything
\nFor a moment wasn’t I the king
\nBut if I’d only known how the king would fall
\nHey who’s to say you know I might have changed it all
\nAnd now I’m glad I didn’t know
\nThe way it all would end the way it all would go
\nOur lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
\nBut I’d have had to miss the dance<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Writing is cathartic for me – it’s always been the first thing I turned to when I was feeling emotional. That was one of the hardest parts of being in the hospital: I had nothing with me. No laptop. Not that I would have had wireless anyways, but not being able to write down what […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[76,69],"class_list":["post-1056","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-ivf-3","tag-loss"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1056","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1056"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1056\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1056"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1056"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1056"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}