Relaxing Doesn't Make Babies

Alone

February 8, 2009 — 3:12 pm

Weekends oppress me. All week I look forward to my day off, when the pressures of work finally let up and I can breathe for a day. I go to sleep Saturday night feeling gleeful and relieved. I even wake up feeling serene, light streaming in the windows, a dog nose next to mine (eyes peering into mine, questioning if I am actually awake or not). But very soon the silence sinks in a little too much, the boards I visit have nothing new to say, and I start getting that panicky feeling. I have nothing to do but think… and thinking is what I do not want to do.

I am still very appreciative of how fast the weeks go by when I am working so much. Every week I mark off on the calendar is another week that I survived, another week closer – I hope – to when I will have a new life to cherish. Right now there is nothing but the waiting. Anything that makes it go by faster is a balm on the countdown that repeats over and over again in my heart.

The weekend is, of course, when the internet is quietest. Other people are off spending time with their families. Even sites like lolcats seem quieter (though that may just be because I refresh the page every half an hour, looking for something new).

Typically I get bored, since my very short list of stuff I keep up on during the week is quickly exhausted with all this free time and I start poking around. Whatever happened to so-and-so? I look around places I haven’t seen in a week or more. That’s usually when I start running across the pregnancy announcements. Expected, but it still stings. She’s pregnant now, and so is she. That one I knew about, but she’s already that far along? And she’s pregnant too already?

I shut it all off, it just hurts too much. Not for them, but for me. It should have been me last month, announcing. Or the month before that, or the month before that. I have no idea if this month I will be the lucky one, but it stresses me out too much to think about it. I am not that one today, and that’s all that really matters. So I sit here alone and turn on the TV.

I could get up and do something productive, but my body is tired from the work week. It is my mind that is tearing loose. Maybe I’ll go grab a book… and some lunch.

3 responses to “Alone”

  1. Mrs.spit says:

    It’s hard when the mind won’t stop working.

    Hugs.

  2. Rachel says:

    I kind of feel the same way, too. I love the weekends, but I need to have some sort of ‘plan’ to do things, otherwise my thoughts spiral and it’s not a good thing. I love sleeping in and having time off of work, but when T just wants to play his video game that I have no interest in, I have to find something to do. Sometimes knitting is not enough.

  3. Sue says:

    I totally hear you on the being alone at weekends thing. No-one is around online to chat to….. everyone out with families etc.

    It sucks hey?