We lost half the tree today. I say lost it today, but in reality it was already dead – I was just trying to convince myself it was going to be okay. I had an arborist out to look at it, who quickly determined that the top half of the tree was dead, and promptly cut it off. The bottom branches are still looking good though – he said it’s very promising.
I came inside, freaked out, starting crying hysterically. I shot off a couple of emails during which I realized this has just gone too far for me. I hate to speak it because I know it’s going to freak people out, but I feel myself edging too close to becoming suicidal. I’m not there yet. But I’ve been thinking too much, too scarily, in the moments that I freak out and I just can’t keep doing this anymore. I need to do something about it or I’m worried about how far down this is going to take me. It’s not that I want to die – I just want to stop hurting. Losing half that tree felt like having my heart ripped out all over again. Stabs of pain right from my temple down to my toes.
I dug through my pile of papers from the hospital to find some of the lists they gave me with bereavement resources. I called social services, said I need to find a therapist of some sort who who has experience with child loss. I was referred to someone. Unfortunately they’re on vacation for the week, but I should hear back next week. I might put in some more calls tomorrow, I’m not sure. I also don’t even know what I’m looking for… therapist? Psychologist? Psychiatrist? Who knows.
I just feel so discordant. Most of the time I feel fine (as far as “fine” can be, less than 6 months after your baby died). I’m capable, I’m productive, I’m social. But all it takes is a crack… one little crack in my armor. And I fall to pieces. I fall into that pit. I lose it. I don’t feel strong. I don’t feel strong at all.
When I told my co-worker what my schedule will be like this fall she said, “That doesn’t leave much time off.” “I know,” I replied, “it’s on purpose.” My goal for this year is just to get through it.