Relaxing Doesn't Make Babies

Revelations

Aug 1, 2010 — 9:55 pm

Kate layed on our bed after nursing and spent a great deal of time working on those fists. She’s been trying to get her fists in her mouth for the past week and has been getting extremely frustrated by the whole thing. I couldn’t figure out why – I mean, she seems to have pretty good control of those fists and gets them up to her lips frequently, but mere seconds later she gives a shriek of rage. Tonight as I laid beside her, watched closely, and figured it out: she wants her thumb in her mouth. While she knows how to get her fist in position, she just cannot get that thumb to stick out in such a way that she can fit it in her mouth. Thus the crying.

It was really quite fascinating watching her. There’s the urge to just reach out and do it, to “show” her how, especially when the end result could benefit both of us (how great would it be for her to be able to self-soothe in the car?). But I realize that my job as parent goes far beyond showing her what to do. There are going to be many, many times in her life that I can do something quicker and easier than she can. But I know my job as a parent is to make sure she can succeed, to make sure there’s nothing stopping her, to give her the resources and support she needs… and then to stop back and let her learn to do it herself. So I watched her trying again and again. I told her she was doing a great job, that she can do it if she keeps trying. I know the words don’t matter at this point, but I also know that my calm voice and presence helps her stay calm as she works on it.

She didn’t succeed today. But she will soon.

::

I’ve been reading a lot about co-sleeping and found that many cultures sleep with their babies as the standard; Japan is one of them. It must seem so strange to them that most Americans put their babies not just in their own bed, but their own room. The interesting things to me were the little differences in sleep patterns and expectations, things I see in Kate. (Of the articles I read the other day, this is the only one I can find now. Whoops.)

I read that in Japan there doesn’t tend to be a “going to bed” routine like people do here in north america. So many people have told me again and again how important it is to have a routine to get baby ready to sleep, all the sleep books seem to mention it in some form or another. The purpose is to prepare the baby for the idea of sleep, to get them winding down and into the state of mind to go to sleep when put down. My routine is: I wait until Kate seems tired, then I lay down with her. I typically nurse her to sleep. When she’s done nursing she rests her cheek against my breast, gives a sigh and a few nuzzles, and that’s it.

I’ve noticed that Kate doesn’t startle when sleeping next to me. This is one of my great frustrations when trying to get her to nap on her own: every time I put her down her frequent startles tend to wake her up after a relatively short period of time. When she sleeps next to me I do not restrict her arms or legs in any way, other than the arm that tends to get shoved under my boob when she’s hugging it, so it’s not like swaddling, which physically prevents their arms from startling them awake. There’s something about sleeping up next to mama that prevents the moro reflex from occurring.

And then of course, breastfeeding. Kate still wakes up every 3-ish hours to nurse at night, and from everything I’ve read that probably isn’t going to change much even over the next few years. Unlike babies who sleep alone, cosleeping, breastfeeding babies don’t typically sleep for longer stretches of time. I’ll say that this is a hard one to adjust to, mentally. It’s hard not to feel like Kate isn’t progressing “properly” when every other baby her age is slowly sleeping for longer and longer. But this is the normal.

::

I’ve been feeling burned out, and feeling bad for it. It is becoming increasingly clear that Kate does not sleep well when we are out. She’ll nap in the car, she’ll nap while being held…. but only for about 30-45 minutes. That is NOT enough. It leads to a baby who thinks she is awake and wants to play, but just starts crying after 5 minutes – and won’t stop until she falls asleep again. Add to that the problem of us taking her out of and putting her into her carseat, or passing her from person to person (so that we can eat!), and she just doesn’t sleep well at all. Repeat that all a few times and I want to start banging my head against the wall. I found myself saying “I don’t know what her problem is!” several times over the past few days, but I do know: she’s tired, she’s really tired, and she wants a nice long nap.

She still doesn’t like to be put down, and only when awake – which means I am constantly on high alert for the squawking to start. Hell, even when I get her to nap somewhere I’m just basically sitting waiting for her to wake up and cry. Den had some evenings where he was out, then the twins were born and he’s busy on the phone with family and we’re driving to the hospital. Today I think I just hit the point of OMG I need a break from the cranky baby. More than 10 minutes.

I’m realizing that I need some mommy-only time – even if it’s just in the next room. Kate ended up crashing for a nice 3-hour nap in Den’s arms, and I felt positively gleeful. It’s amazing how much my mood improved just by a couple hours spent reading nothing important on the internet and cooking (and eating!) a hot dinner. (Apparently I miss cooking. Who knew!) I feel like skipping down the street singing. Yes, it feels that good. I love holding my baby, I really hate letting her out of my sight…. but my brain needs a break. When I’m on baby duty I feel like I can only half-focus on anything. Talking on the phone, typing online, watching TV… I’m only half tuned-in, the other half of me is always on full antenna mode, ready to jump into action at any moment. Even if she’s asleep. I just can’t fully relax when I’m on-call.

I think I’m going to make a few appointments for the next few weeks: a massage, a haircut, and a chiropractic adjustment. Yes indeed, I think it’s past time for all of those. Oh, and my best friend is going to be visiting this week and I plan to go out to dinner, just the two of us, and I’m going to have a drink or two. Sweet.

Scars

Aug 2, 2010 — 11:17 pm

I feel like I’ve lost my grounding. The arrival of the twins is making me emotional about several different things, as if one emotional disruptance makes everything else shaky, too. Not to mention that such events tend to involve the entire extended family, and dealing with a bunch of people at once is exhausting. Being social is exhausting, period.

I have this huge urge to help somehow, but then so does everyone else, it seems. If anyone has any advice for what we can say to or do for parents of babies in the NICU please let me know. Den and I visited tonight and now I think we’re just going to pull back and give them space.

I have to keep reminding myself that I have a baby. That may sound silly, seeing how I can barely manage to put her down, but after 4 years there’s a strong kneejerk reaction to babies, especially newborns in hospitals. My time there giving birth feels like a dream – well no wonder, seeing how I was in and out so quickly. It’s almost a shock to look down and see Kate’s pretty little face and remember, oh, oh yes. My heart is not so broken anymore. Then I smile and cuddle her a little bit closer.

It’s strange because I have no concept of this in-between. I had one blissful pregnancy that ended in tragedy all at once, and one nervewracking pregnancy that finished simply anf easily with a healthy full-term baby. I never struggled with babies that are born but not with me, who may or may not be okay. My emotions fluctuate wildly. Some moments I’m in tears, then the wall slams down to protect myself and I feel very little at all. Letting anything in just brings everything bubbling up. I think it will take me some time to process it all.

I think it is hardest because it’s family. If it were a best friend I could be right in there beside her; an aquaintance I could just let it be and focus on my own life. But family is so hard, always right there, but far enough away to make you feel completely useless.

Growing

Aug 6, 2010 — 11:11 am

I just had a fabulous 3-day visit from Kate’s aunt, my very best friend in the world, Kel. It’s amazing what good company can do to your spirits.

Just in a week Kate has become so much more expressive, it’s amazing to see the difference in a short time period. Just last week it was as if she realized there is so much going on around her. For the first time she started enjoying being in her stroller, as long as she is moving and the sun shade isn’t blocking her view. Around the block and through the mall she stares everywhere. Unfortunately for me this interest in new things means she’s not so content to just sit on the rocking chair all day, she wants me to hold her (vertical, facing out) and walk her around. I can tell she’s getting bored with the living room. Our house is small, I don’t have many options here! In the car she’ll only last about 10 minutes awake before getting fed up and screaming, so it’s still hard to get out.

She’s now found her ears, hands and feet and is fascinated with all of them. She sucks on her fists all the time now (drool, eewwww), tugs on her ears, stares at her wiggling toes. She shrieks and coos and babbles a ton, too, significantly more than even a week or two ago. (No giggles yet.) Yesterday she started this new kicking thing when she was excited, eyes wide, face serious, all 4 limbs flailing around with so much power. It is SO FUNNY, I took a video I need to upload.

My girl has a huge personality. When she’s happy she’s huge smiles, when she’s upset she’s ear-piercing screams, and when she’s playing she is extremely serious and focussed. I just love it.

She’s still sleeping great (as long as she’s with me, of course). She goes down for the night at around 9pm, is easy to nurse to sleep, and the last two nights she’s only woken up once between 11pm and 6:30am. Not bad at all!

She’s changing so much, but it feels like a natural evolution. I am so enjoying watching her grow.

Active girl

Aug 6, 2010 — 9:14 pm

Here is the video I mentioned. I laugh every time I watch it.

::

It has started: the diaper stash itch. We’ve been doing prefolds and Thirsties covers, and I do love the Thirsties. However, it’s not perfect. The prefolds are getting pilly and less soft, and I’m not so happy about how they’re feeling. It’s a little bit clunky when I’m out, she’s screaming in a restaurant and kicking on the changing table and I’m trying to wrestle the prefold on her, folded the way I like it. The biggest problem, however, is that she’s a tiny bit rashy. She doesn’t seem to react to it that I can tell, but her diaper area is a little reddish and sometimes has tiny bumps (which I ignored for a long while, because she gets something similar on her arms and chest sometimes). Kel mentioned that it looked rashy to her. I ended up using a double-stuffed FuzziBunz pocket on her overnight and in the morning there was NO redness at all. That was my “ah-ha” moment. Obviously her skin doesn’t like being wet at all. The microfleece on the FuzziBunz keeps the moisture away from her skin, so even after a full night with no changes she has no rash.

Well now I want more FuzziBunz. That wasn’t in my plans, they’re not cheap. My idea right now is to buy a few more for nights and while we’re out (I only have 2), and then buy or make some microfleece liners to use with the prefolds at home.

I am so tempted to get out my sewing machine. I also want to make her a playmat with an arch to hang toys on (I refuse to pay $60 on one, I mean SERIOUSLY). But then I think, man, when do I have time to SEW? (And does my sewing machine even work anymore?)

I also fully admit that I am going to be buying the full Baby Einstein DVD set. One desperate afternoon when Kate was done playing with her toys but not yet ready for a nap, she was fussing and whining and I was at a loss so I went on YouTube and found some Baby Einstein video clips. She sat on my lap for over 10 full minutes, quiet and interested. So I bought one. I played it on the TV and set her up in her bouncer in front of it. And it worked!!! That gives me 10-15 minutes to eat, pee, clean up the kitchen or throw on a load of laundry. That’s her limit and it seems to work only once a day, but that could be my saving grace. If I could put her down as a matter of course I wouldn’t have bothered, but when she will only play on the floor if I’m entertaining her and still naps on me 99% of the time I need something to give me a break. And as a plus side, I really like classical music so it’s totally not irritating to me!

Photo drop

Aug 9, 2010 — 3:44 pm

Screams of rage

Aug 10, 2010 — 5:34 pm

My kid amuses the hell out of me. She’s really into some of her toys now, ones that she can grasp and move. She loves scrunching them up, working her little fingers, grabbing the rings. It is so cool watching her, I just can’t get over how fun it is to watch her work on a toy and try to figure out how it and her little hands work together.

She’s also really into sucking on her fists this past week or two. She has yet to get her thumb in her mouth, but she’s always slobbering on her fists now. This translates into her thinking that maybe getting a toy into her mouth would be good fun. So now she has a new goal when she’s playing with a toy, and actually she makes pretty good progress trying to pull the toy up with her fists. Unfortunately she has terrible aim and I have yet to see her actually get it into her mouth. What usually happens is that she gets it close, leans her head forward with her mouth open, searching and straining. That lasts only a few seconds before she lets out a screech of utter rage, which disintegrates very rapidly into her crying inconsolably, even if she was perfectly happy just 2 seconds earlier.

The other funny thing about that is that I’ve noticed that her being angry at a toy triggers a fit of rage about everything wrong with the world at that moment in time. Removing the toy is not enough, I also have to change and feed her (if she happens to be wet and hungry, which is typical). I can almost see her thought processes: Oooo toy. Love this toy! Toy so fun! Want toy in mouth. Toy… mouth… toy…. mouth…. AGGGHHH! I can’t do it!!! I hate this toy!!! Get it away, get it away, aaggghhhh, stupid toys!!!! And I’m freaking WET!!!! CHANGE ME!!!! And I’m hungry too, what the hell is wrong with this place today?!?! AGGGHHHH!!! I wish I were kidding, but I’m so not.

Also extremely funny is how when she really does get a good grasp of the rings on her toys she will move the toy when she moves her arms around. This makes sense to us, but not to her. Then she starts crying because the toy is moving and she doesn’t want it to and doesn’t know why, when in reality all she has to do is let go. I try very hard not to giggle at her when she’s crying, but damn is it hard.

::

I’m totally getting into the swing of this SAHM thing. We’re not yet at 12 weeks but I can already notice the shift taking place, it was sometime right after she was 10 weeks. Suddenly she’s happy in her bouncer, and on her floor mat. She has interest in toys, in watching TV, in watching people. She still wants to nap on me 99% of the time, but I’ve gotten her to nap in her swing a couple of times the last few days. But even with me having to sit in the recliner for her naps (or wearing her), since I can put her in her bouncer for playtime I can now eat food, clean up the kitchen, sweep, or work on little projects. This is very nice!

I can also put her in the car and drive for a good 5-10 minutes before she starts melting down, which lets me do some errands and grocery shopping without ever dealing with a freaking-out child (very good for my sanity). Unfortunately most things I want to get to are further away than that, but it’s a start. Unfortunately construction downtown severely limits me, getting stuck in an not-moving line for 10 minutes with a screaming baby is kind of hellish. I try to avoid that whole direction, grrr.

Time to break out the sewing machine

Aug 14, 2010 — 9:24 am

In the past two weeks Kate has suddenly decided she loves her bouncer. This is great news to me, since prior to that she hated it. The problem with it – as with her pack’in’play’s arch – is that the permanently attached toys on the playbar she can’t stand. Every time I hook on the play bar she starts screeching and crying. One time in an attempt to interest her I pulled on the ring on the toy to start the music and she immediately burst into tears. Uhhh. Okay, not good. And yet if I remove the toy bar and give her one of her favorite toys she will happily sit in it for 15 minutes playing. But I have to keep putting the toy back up by her hands, or sit there holding it up for her. That kind of negates the whole point in me putting her down for a few minutes so I can do something. So I took out my little sewing kit, cut the toys off the playbar, and sewed little loops there instead. Now I can hook any of her toys to it. Yay! But really, why don’t they do that in the first place? What baby wants the same toy there 24/7 anyways?

::

Kate is 12 weeks now and I have seen a huge change over the last two weeks from a child who screamed every time she was put down to one who enjoys sitting in her bouncer or laying on the bed or floor babbling. I can set her up with a toy and eat my breakfast, put on laundry, clean up a little. Suddenly having a baby and taking care of a house is so much easier, since I can just bring the bouncer wherever I am. Apparently watching mommy clean up the kitchen is fascinating.

Unfortunately 2 days ago she decided she no longer wants to nap on my chest like she has since the day she was born. My suspicion is that she’s too long – her feet now rest on my legs even with her head uncomfortably high on my collarbone. She hates this. She used to kick my legs and throw her head from side to side until I hefted her up high enough. Now there is nothing I can do, she’s just not happy. She drove me crazy yesterday because she just would not nap, she was cranky and overtired. I kept doing the normal thing, putting her on my chest and patting and rocking her, but she just wouldn’t sleep! I finally laid down with her on our bed and boom, she was out like a light. Next nap, same thing: wouldn’t sleep on my chest, fell asleep soon as I laid down with her.

Now I refuse to lay in my bed for 6-8 hours a day for her naps, so I can sneak away. But! I can’t move her. She’s extremely sensitive to movement and wakes up as soon as I try to put her in her cosleeper. So for now I just remove all bedding and pillows from our bed, nurse her to sleep, and roll away from her. Some day I swear she’ll sleep in her cosleeper. (Maybe. By that point she may be too big for it!) This is stressful for us, we keep checking on her to make sure she’s still okay, and I go in as soon as I hear a squeak from her on the monitor. The other downside is that she only sleeps for about half an hour or so before she realizes I’m not there. I think I’ll need to stay with her for at least one nap a day until she is able to sleep longer by herself, or we’re all going to be miserable. Evenings suck after a day of only cat-naps.

::

Kate is already looking so much bigger. I cuddle her at night and can’t believe how solid she feels, she’s no longer a breakable little newborn. Her arms and legs are so long, her head is so big, I can’t believe my little baby is growing up so quickly. Now that she doesn’t want to nap on me it’s sad too, there’s going to be a time when I can’t cuddle and kiss her anytime I want to. I’m not ready for that.

And yet at the same time she has so much more personality, she’s so awake and interested in everything. She babbles all the time, she plays with her toys, she smiles like crazy at us. I guess for everything she loses she gains something in return.

Whatcha doin’?

Aug 14, 2010 — 1:09 pm

See, her arms are getting rolls. And her legs are getting chubby!

Catch-22

Aug 15, 2010 — 12:49 pm

Know what I’ve discovered? Kate freaks out crying really upset when I raise my voice at the dogs. Even if I’m very very quietly whispering, “Zeeke! Cut it out!!” The tone upsets her, I guess.

Unfortunately this puts me in a predicament when the dog is being an asshole. Especially when Kate is sleeping. Beads of sweat creep onto my forehead – the dog’s barking will wake her any second now. But me telling him to shut up will probably wake her, too.

Damnit.

Baby needs sleep

Aug 15, 2010 — 10:05 pm

Naps are mostly back to normal. Well, in some ways. She’ll sleep on me, but she fidgets a lot. Today I took one nap with her on our bed, a few naps holding her in the rocker, and one I laid down with her on the futon so she’d sleep and I could sort-of watch TV (got a sore neck from that one – it’s not an easy angle). Unfortunately no matter what I do she’s only sleeping for max an hour. This is not typical of her and it creates a rather fussy, whiny baby that needs to be put back to bed within an hour. I’m guessing it’s just one of those phases, a growth spurt or something. I look forward to “normal” naps in a few days.

Breastfeeding is also a little bit weird recently. The last couple of days she didn’t want to nurse while I sat up. Even when she was obviously hungry, every time I’d put her in cradle hold she’d latch-unlatch and cry instead of eating. I know she eats slower (and thus gets less gas) when laying down, but she normally doesn’t fight nursing like that. All day Saturday I just ended up laying down on the bed to nurse her every time. No clue what that was about, but today she’s not having an issue either way. I figure it must be linked to the strange sleeping habits.

Tonight I didn’t want to go to bed at 8pm, so I put her in the mei tai and walked her until she fell asleep (not long), then was able to sit at my computer for a couple of hours. I can’t do that for her naps, but she sleeps deeper at night. It was almost like having time to myself!

I’m also learning to eat at the kitchen counter. Life is just easier when you go with it.

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