Revelations
Kate layed on our bed after nursing and spent a great deal of time working on those fists. She’s been trying to get her fists in her mouth for the past week and has been getting extremely frustrated by the whole thing. I couldn’t figure out why – I mean, she seems to have pretty good control of those fists and gets them up to her lips frequently, but mere seconds later she gives a shriek of rage. Tonight as I laid beside her, watched closely, and figured it out: she wants her thumb in her mouth. While she knows how to get her fist in position, she just cannot get that thumb to stick out in such a way that she can fit it in her mouth. Thus the crying.
It was really quite fascinating watching her. There’s the urge to just reach out and do it, to “show” her how, especially when the end result could benefit both of us (how great would it be for her to be able to self-soothe in the car?). But I realize that my job as parent goes far beyond showing her what to do. There are going to be many, many times in her life that I can do something quicker and easier than she can. But I know my job as a parent is to make sure she can succeed, to make sure there’s nothing stopping her, to give her the resources and support she needs… and then to stop back and let her learn to do it herself. So I watched her trying again and again. I told her she was doing a great job, that she can do it if she keeps trying. I know the words don’t matter at this point, but I also know that my calm voice and presence helps her stay calm as she works on it.
She didn’t succeed today. But she will soon.
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I’ve been reading a lot about co-sleeping and found that many cultures sleep with their babies as the standard; Japan is one of them. It must seem so strange to them that most Americans put their babies not just in their own bed, but their own room. The interesting things to me were the little differences in sleep patterns and expectations, things I see in Kate. (Of the articles I read the other day, this is the only one I can find now. Whoops.)
I read that in Japan there doesn’t tend to be a “going to bed” routine like people do here in north america. So many people have told me again and again how important it is to have a routine to get baby ready to sleep, all the sleep books seem to mention it in some form or another. The purpose is to prepare the baby for the idea of sleep, to get them winding down and into the state of mind to go to sleep when put down. My routine is: I wait until Kate seems tired, then I lay down with her. I typically nurse her to sleep. When she’s done nursing she rests her cheek against my breast, gives a sigh and a few nuzzles, and that’s it.
I’ve noticed that Kate doesn’t startle when sleeping next to me. This is one of my great frustrations when trying to get her to nap on her own: every time I put her down her frequent startles tend to wake her up after a relatively short period of time. When she sleeps next to me I do not restrict her arms or legs in any way, other than the arm that tends to get shoved under my boob when she’s hugging it, so it’s not like swaddling, which physically prevents their arms from startling them awake. There’s something about sleeping up next to mama that prevents the moro reflex from occurring.
And then of course, breastfeeding. Kate still wakes up every 3-ish hours to nurse at night, and from everything I’ve read that probably isn’t going to change much even over the next few years. Unlike babies who sleep alone, cosleeping, breastfeeding babies don’t typically sleep for longer stretches of time. I’ll say that this is a hard one to adjust to, mentally. It’s hard not to feel like Kate isn’t progressing “properly” when every other baby her age is slowly sleeping for longer and longer. But this is the normal.
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I’ve been feeling burned out, and feeling bad for it. It is becoming increasingly clear that Kate does not sleep well when we are out. She’ll nap in the car, she’ll nap while being held…. but only for about 30-45 minutes. That is NOT enough. It leads to a baby who thinks she is awake and wants to play, but just starts crying after 5 minutes – and won’t stop until she falls asleep again. Add to that the problem of us taking her out of and putting her into her carseat, or passing her from person to person (so that we can eat!), and she just doesn’t sleep well at all. Repeat that all a few times and I want to start banging my head against the wall. I found myself saying “I don’t know what her problem is!” several times over the past few days, but I do know: she’s tired, she’s really tired, and she wants a nice long nap.
She still doesn’t like to be put down, and only when awake – which means I am constantly on high alert for the squawking to start. Hell, even when I get her to nap somewhere I’m just basically sitting waiting for her to wake up and cry. Den had some evenings where he was out, then the twins were born and he’s busy on the phone with family and we’re driving to the hospital. Today I think I just hit the point of OMG I need a break from the cranky baby. More than 10 minutes.
I’m realizing that I need some mommy-only time – even if it’s just in the next room. Kate ended up crashing for a nice 3-hour nap in Den’s arms, and I felt positively gleeful. It’s amazing how much my mood improved just by a couple hours spent reading nothing important on the internet and cooking (and eating!) a hot dinner. (Apparently I miss cooking. Who knew!) I feel like skipping down the street singing. Yes, it feels that good. I love holding my baby, I really hate letting her out of my sight…. but my brain needs a break. When I’m on baby duty I feel like I can only half-focus on anything. Talking on the phone, typing online, watching TV… I’m only half tuned-in, the other half of me is always on full antenna mode, ready to jump into action at any moment. Even if she’s asleep. I just can’t fully relax when I’m on-call.
I think I’m going to make a few appointments for the next few weeks: a massage, a haircut, and a chiropractic adjustment. Yes indeed, I think it’s past time for all of those. Oh, and my best friend is going to be visiting this week and I plan to go out to dinner, just the two of us, and I’m going to have a drink or two. Sweet.