One of the hardest things with parenting is dealing with advice – especially conflicting advice, or that which contradicts your own natural instincts.
One of the major topics of advice – and debate – is of course sleep. For some reason it is a yardstick by which others measure success – or at least progress. I am always taken aback when the first thing people ask after “What is her name?” is “How is she sleeping?” I have no idea how to answer that without getting into a very long-winded explanation about co-sleeping, nursing, and expectations. So I typically simply say, “Good!” That seems to suffice in most cases, but some go on to infer that it means she’s sleeping through the night. Err. Well no, not even close. She eats every 2-3 hours. But she’s young, it’s normal and even somewhat expected, and we’re all doing just fine. Personally I think the more appropriate, or at least more accurate, question is, “How are you holding up to whatever schedule the baby has at night?” Then at least I could say, “Great!” without pause. (Though I still think it’s none of their business, Ms. Person I Don’t Know.)
She quite clearly sleeps just fine on her belly, whether it’s in her pack’n’play for a nap or on someone’s chest in a chair. Even in a tummy-to-tummy hold in a front carrier (as she is currently sacked out in my Kozy). She has been going for 4 hour stretches asleep in one of those positions, to the point that my breast starts hurting like crazy and I really need her to wake up and nurse. So clearly this child likes to sleep and will go for long stretches. She’s even easy to put to sleep, all it takes is either nursing or movement (car, rocking, wearing) while she has her soother. If she’s tired, boom she’s out. She’s easy, sleeps for 4 hours, life is beautiful. When sleeping in bed in my arms she does wake up to nurse about every 2 hours, but that’s because she’s “snacking” – and because the boob is literally right there. However I barely wake up to nurse her and we both fall right back asleep so I really don’t even know exactly how often it happens, it doesn’t impede my sleep very much at all.
But then step in and take away the tummy sleeping, because the AAP strongly recommends against it due to SIDS. You can get the baby to sleep in any way you want, but you have to put the baby down on a flat surface on her back. That happy sleeps-well baby turns into one who you spend an hour and a half repeatedly rocking to sleep and gingerly putting down only to have her wake up 5 minutes later crying. When you finally do get her down on her back asleep and staying asleep you tiptoe away and lay down to close your eyes… only to be woken up an hour and a half later. 2 hours is the most she’ll go in her cosleeper on her back…. I consider 2 hours to be a grand success in that situation. Live like that for a while and I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be describing her as a good sleeper.
I’m kind of frustrated by it all – and I don’t mean with Katherine. She’s a baby and I don’t blame her one bit for her preferences (I personally can’t sleep on my back either). I know the recommendations are based off of studies and are meant to keep my baby safe, and I can’t fault that. But at the same time they prevent me from listening to my mommy instincts, to responding to her immediate needs.
I wish there was no such thing as SIDS, I wish we didn’t have to worry about the statistical likelihood of a baby dying at random at night. I mean, how scary is that? We’re nervous enough as it is with such a small little being and the history that we have. (And it’s not as if putting them on their backs prevents SIDS deaths, either. It reduces the likelihood, doesn’t prevent it. That’s not a pleasant thought.)
So she sleeps in my bed, nestled up next to me, tummy-to-tummy as we lay on our sides. It avoids all of that, she sleeps peacefully even on her back (though typically she faces me). But oh the reactions when I mention it to friends and family. Breastfeeding and baby-wearing may be given the benefit of the doubt, but bedsharing? Oh no.
I just ran across an article in a magazine that sums it up pretty well:
“Is s/he a good baby?” is a question commonly posed to new mothers and fathers in the early days of parenthood. Typically the enquirer wants to know whether the baby is “contented” and “sleeps well.” Those whose babies are “good” are congratulated. Those whose babies are “troublesome” receive sympathy and tips on how to improve their baby’s sleep habits. The management of infant sleep is one of the first areas of parenting in which new mothers and fathers are judged by others.
from Breastfeeding Today
I’m so glad we discovered bedsharing. I don’t think we’d get any sleep otherwise.