Relaxing Doesn't Make Babies

Clouds and dreams have overtaken my head

Mar 1, 2009 — 1:47 am

I think it could pretty much go without saying that I’m a bit of an airhead this week. I even drive home and then realize I don’t remember the last three lights. I just cannot focus on anything.

I am trying so hard to just let everything else go while I’m at work and focus on what I’m doing, but apparently I am failing. And I am getting very exaspirated. I absolutely hate doing things wrong, especially repeatedly. And I just don’t even know what to do about it at this point, other than apologise profusely.

So this afternoon I came home and had a good cry – half over the constant screw-ups, half because I am just emotional as hell. I felt slightly better when that was done with, but I’m still just… frustrated.

I hope next week is a little better in terms of not screwing things up, but I highly doubt my concentration level is going to be any better. I’ll be taking pregancy tests, my beta is on Thursday, and Devin’s birthday is on friday. If there’s ever a week to count on me being out of touch, this would be it.

::

I have felt such real joy over the past week, it’s absolutely amazing to know that it’s really possible to feel joy like that – excitement, instead of hurt.

The other day one of my coworkers brought in a newly purchased little baby outfit. My first reaction, as it has been for the past year, was a pang of sorrow. As has become my defense I just kept my head down and my mouth shut as the others all cooed over it. But then I heard the coworker say, “And if [intended recepient] doesn’t have a girl, maybe Natalie will!” Suddenly warmth flooded into me. Maybe I will. Maybe baby things won’t just be about Devin and what was… they could be about the future, too.

After that it didn’t hurt to look at the little baby clothes.

::

In a way I think I’m a little glad that my last two cycles have coincided with big dates in terms of the loss: last cycle and the first Christmas, this cycle and Devin’s birthday. I think, were those four dates completely separate, I would spend a lot more time obsessing. But this kind of gives me something to distract myself when I need it. The last few weeks I’ve been so wrapped up in the IVF cycle I wasn’t really thinking much about how Devin’s birthday is coming up – and now that there’s nothing to be done for the cycle I can plan his birthday. That limits me to one short week of building anxiety, rather than a month. This is a good thing.

We are having a small dinner on his birthday… just a couple of family members. I bought a tablecloth (since we had no plain ones) and some little things to make a centerpiece out of. Now we need to figure out what to make. I’ll have some candles lit, his train set out, and I’d like to get some white carnations. (Roses are typical, I know – but I like carnations.) Some words spoken over dinner thanking our guests for coming and remembering with us. That’s all.

The results of my beta will certainly set the tone for the evening. It is just so hard to plan anything at all right now.

::

Den and I feel really good about this cycle… so good it makes us nervous. In many ways it feels like if we really believe this worked then we will be hurt, that we will not get what we want. We feel like we have to protect our hearts, be cautious, remove all expectations.

But it is so hard when this cycle has gone so well. Devin couldn’t have been just a fluke. And this cycle is so so much more promising than that one ever was. How could this not work?

There is expectation and hope… and much, much fear. As much as I kept saying now it won’t matter because we have frozen embryos, of course it matters. It will shatter us all over again if this one, too, comes up empty – especially after all the positive build-up of the past week and a half. This has been nearly the perfect cycle – and if even this doesn’t work, what more do we have left to hope for?

Where there is hope, there is fear

Mar 1, 2009 — 11:59 pm

And suddenly, here it is. I start testing in the morning, and I am terrified. Not that I really expect a positive on 11dpo (last time I was testing negative until 13dpo), but it’s the fear of continued nothings.

I’ve never been in this place before. I’ve been in similar places, waiting to test – many with a lot of hope. But they all ended badly. The one cycle that ended well I had NO hope and no anticipation. So in a way my brain really can’t wrap around the possibility of this ending well. I spend all day imaginging it, clinging to it, believing it… but when night falls and that pregnancy test looms close, all I can ever imagine seeing is a plain white negative.

Apparently getting pregnant once doesn’t really lessen the fear that it will never happen again, like I had hoped.

A Day of Wait

Mar 2, 2009 — 8:53 pm

This waiting is going to give me an ulcer, I swear. These are by far the worst days of the cycle. Granted I was pretty terrified before the maturity/fertilization report, but I was also in surgery so it made it easier to not think about it. Right now I have nothing to do but think, and it’s driving me crazy.

I woke up way too early this morning and decided to just take a pregnancy test, just so I could go back to sleep – I knew I wouldn’t be able to if I was just waiting. It was negative, of course. Expected, and yet it sparked so much fear in me. I stood there staring at it, wondering how on earth I could possibly expect anything different, ever. Even when I had it once – that feels like a fairy-tale now. This is the reality, this blank stick, heart pounding, sending silent wishes out into the universe that this cycle could pull this off for me. Not today. Maybe not tomorrow. I don’t know when.

So I spent the rest of the day just struggling with the fear and anxiety. There were many times when I randomly felt like bursting into tears, just out of fear that this isn’t going to work. I can’t even describe to you the feeling. Most of you know it. It’s so unlike grief. Grief is something already set in stone – something bad has happened, and now you have to come to terms with it. It is hard, too, but hard in a different way. Fear is the unknown. Fear exists because it is not yet grief, and it might not be grief – but you don’t know. There are two different outcomes, and you’re sitting in the crossroads, not sure of where you’re going to end up.

This morning I felt a tiny bit of cramps from my uterus, a lot more cramping and aching from my ovaries. My lower back is a little achy, too, which I was warned might happen because one ovary is tucked a little behind. But tonight there is a tightness I do not remember… a fullness, a weight. It could be my imagination. It probably is. It’s probably just more bloating and pressing against my ovaries. But maybe it’s not.

I am tired. I am sure I will find myself in the same predicament tomorrow morning: wide awake at 5am, heart pounding, mind being drawn to the pregnancy tests in the bathroom. I will test again, and wait, and shiver with the anxiety.

Only a few more days of this… then we can move either to the joy or the grief.

I am terrified.

Gifts

Mar 2, 2009 — 9:09 pm

Devin’s birthday is quickly approaching and his gifts have both arrived!

From me, the train I chose. I decided to go with the pewter just because of upkeep. But I am really really happy with how cute it is.

And from Kel, which just arrived today, the Loving Angel. <3 A year ago one of my mom’s friends got me the Angel of Healing, which has since had a place of honor on Devin’s shelf. I told Kel that I wanted to get another one for this year, but I didn’t know which one… so she picked one out for me, as her gift to me/us. It’s perfect. She said this past year has been full of grief, but also so full of love: for Devin, for my husband, for our future kids.

He/we probably won’t be getting any more gifts – not many people buy gifts for a dead baby, not even grandparents. But while most babies get a plethora of toys for their birthday, I am incredibly happy with the two perfect ones I have.

Down the Mudslide

Mar 3, 2009 — 10:05 am

Another negative this morning. I crawled back into bed, pulled Sheepie into my arms, and fell asleep. When my alarm went off I turned it off and fell back asleep. Den got up to take a shower and I just stared at the ceiling for fifteen minutes. When I finally got into the shower I started crying silently. I’m preparing myself for the worst. I cannot see this coming out with good news in the end.

What is so wrong with me? I always thought getting that embryo would be the challenge, and after that it would happen the way it’s supposed to. But if I can’t get pregnant with a good quality blast, what does that mean? Shit luck, or something more?

We’re left wondering if Devin really was some kind of miracle.

While I wait…

Mar 3, 2009 — 1:04 pm

Any other IVFers who tested before their beta, when did you get your first positive?

Last time it was 13dpr. I got a negative on 11dpr and didn’t test on 12dpr.

I am totally hating my body right now for being a late tester.

Weather

Mar 3, 2009 — 11:29 pm

I’ve been on the edge of tears all day. I was supposed to have my appointment with my therapist yesterday, but due to the heavy snowstorm it was cancelled – thankfully she had the presence of mind to reschedule for this afternoon, because I really really needed it. I walked in, said a few words to catch her up, then just started crying about work and the negative pregancy tests and all of it. She doesn’t even do or say much… just lets me get it all off my chest. I somehow walk out feeling a little better, a little more clear. Not a lot – but a little.

Still very emotional today. I’m quite nervous for the rest of this work… I have to work at the bank for the next four days and I really do not know how that is going to work out. Every time I feel like I have half a grip on this pregnancy/no pregnancy thing I start thinking about Devin’s birthday and get choked up all over again. So how the hell am I going to function and not make mistakes every. single. day? Again. My therapist asked if there’s any way I can take some time off. My initial reaction was, “No,” but the more I thought about it, the more I’m thinking that if I’m that much of a mess at work they might want me to just go home and stop screwing everything up. It would have to be unpaid leave, but honestly that’s not a concern for me at all. I’m more worried about having to take time off and how that looks to my boss – I came into this telling them and myself that I was not going to need much, you know? Just a day or two off for the surgeries, that’s all. But then, here I am, on the eve of two of the biggest dates of the year, and I feel like I’m losing it one little piece at a time. So I’m going to go in tomorrow and just see how it goes. Maybe work will be a welcome distraction from everything. Maybe I’ll be a crying mess. No mascara tomorrow, just in case.

One of my favorite little sayings happens to be a religious one, but the meaning still holds even if you take the god out of it:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

I think part of the TTCer’s paranoia stems from the belief that you can change it – that what you eat, what you say, what you think will somehow influence the outcome of the cycle. Trust me when I say, it’s easy to get caught up in it, even if you’re not the least bit superstitious. I find myself asking myself, “Should I buy this? Did I buy this last time? If I buy this, that is admitting that I think this is going to work, which means it won’t work…” Round and round you go, losing your mind and sanity. But it’s a fallacy. It’s all in your head. I can’t change this. Whether or not I test with the blue stick or the pink stick, whether I get up at 5am or 7am, whether I wait for the beta or not, the answer will be the same.

And whatever the answer is, I will deal with it, I will get through to the other side. If the answer is no it may take some work. It may take some grief. I will cry heavily… and then I will start to feel better. I will pick myself up and keep on walking. We are far from done.

I don’t remember feeling this lost in the wait for my beta, but maybe time dims some of it. But I think back… my first cycle I knew it had worked, so I was anxious, but at that point I really had no idea that things didn’t always work out. My second cycle I knew it hadn’t worked, so even though I was testing, it was just to prove that I was right and I wasn’t pregnant (which is now quite ironic). Last cycle we didn’t test at all, because it had gone so badly. We had hope, sure, but not a whole lot of it and I didn’t want to see any negatives. It was Christmas. I wanted my Christmas miracle.

This time… this time, I admit, everything went so damn well, beyond all expectations, that there is/was a part of me that really believed that this had to have worked. And I guess there is still a chance. I get that, cerebrally. I understand what people are saying to me. But my heart? My heart doesn’t care. It is so wrapped up with fear, so aware of how things can look absolutely perfect and still not work that it takes these early negatives as a warning sign, a sign to prepare for the worst. So that’s what I’m doing, emotionally: I’m preparing.

Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m right. But it doesn’t matter, does it. In the end the only reality is the one I’m handed. Maybe preparing myself will make it hurt less. Maybe it’s just prolonging it.

I can’t change this. I can only weather the storm.

Nothing

Mar 4, 2009 — 7:02 am

When I woke up I didn’t want to go test. I just layed here, dreading it, but unable to sleep either. Finally Den rolled over and said he hadn’t slept all night, so I got up.

The tests were negative. I’m 13dpr now, this is the day I got a positive with Devin.

And I’m spotting. What the hell does this mean? We’ve been waiting for spotting – it’s what happened in Devin’s cycle, before we got a positive. But at 13dpr? I didn’t get a positive test until 3 days after the spotting. We don’t have three days to wait, tomorrow is the beta. It’s a little late for implanting.

I just have no clue what this is. Is this a sign to not give up yet? Or a complete random coincidence?

Tomorrow I go to work and try to do my job, and then tomorrow I will test again and then just wait for the beta. But we are preparing ourselves for the worst.

Game Over

Mar 4, 2009 — 7:14 pm

The “spotting” was not implantation bleeding… it was, apparently, AF. Mid-day I noticed I was still spotting, and by the end of my work day I was bleeding more heavily. It’s not a full period… yet. But it’s almost there. Enough blood. Some small clots. I tried holding it together for the last hour of work, but there were some tears in the bathroom and back room.

I just don’t understand. How/why would I get my period while still on the prometrium and estrogen? I didn’t miss any thing, that I know of. I’m just at a loss for words. I was not at all concerned with some spotting – maybe even a little hopeful. But this? I am at a loss.

My heart hurts so much, I am lost in this. All of this… the cycle’s end, Devin’s birthday, the continued grief and loss and this huge empty hole. How much is one person expected to survive?

Yep, this is shit

Mar 4, 2009 — 11:32 pm

We drove home mostly in silence. I couldn’t speak – I knew I’d lose it. I got home, went to the bathroom… more blood. I kept hoping it would go away, that it would turn back into “just spotting” and I could relax and get a tiny bit of hope back for tomorrow. But there was just more blood.

I posted, Den fed the pets. He climbed into bed quietly, and I just sobbed in his arms for a while. We fell asleep… an escape, a short reprieve.

I woke up feeling better, but I don’t think Den did. I had already gotten most of my anguish and frustration out. I had a feeling I just needed a really good cry… holding it in all day was making it feel worse, just teetering on the edge over and over. But Den… he is quiet. More than subdued, he is mourning. As much as we hold on to each other for support, there are still many times that we just need to sit in silence, separately, and process. This is one of those times. I am grateful we both understand and accept that.

I get into this habit of thinking that I know what I’m doing and I’m prepared for any outcome – and every cycle has thrown something new at me. I certainly have never gotten AF before stopping my meds after the beta… I didn’t even know it was possible. I will be talking to the nurse tomorrow to just get some answers, but a google search tells me that it does happen to some people, sometimes, in what appears to be a random manner. Lovely.

I’m already moving into the “what’s next” mode. It’s what always keeps me sane and moving forward, rather than curled up under my bed, refusing to ever come out. The main question on my mind is not one that you all will be expecting… what do we next, a frozen embryo transfer, or another stims cycle? I know, I know, your eyes probably just crossed funny and you said, “What?!” But, see, here’s the thing, I’m thinking ahead. We want two living children. The first one we will get from my current insurance, which has pretty awesome coverage. And then I plan to stay at home and raise my child. Which brings up an obvious problem: how the hell do I get pregnant again? Our frozen embryos neatly solved that problem. We cannot afford a stims cycle without insurance… but a frozen transfer or two we could do. Those frozen embryos were supposed to be my insurance plan for the future while I carried the baby from the stims. Obviously it didn’t work that way.

There is a part of me that thinks “banking” more embryos for the future while we can is a fabulous idea. But on the other hand… I am really tired of stims. My body is tired. This last one was especially hard on me physically. The idea of just transferring another one feels so… weightless. Effortless. It’s like a second chance at this cycle… the hard part is already done. But then we use one, possibly both of our frozen embryos and puts us in a tough situation for the future.

So I guess it comes down to, which is more important? The short-term, the “now”? That does make sense, especially given how unreliable the future can be. Maybe planning for 5 years down the road is idiotic and I should just confine my concern for getting pregnant this time. I don’t know. We’ll have to think about it.

The next – and far more obvious – question is: when? After my trip home (April), I know that much. I guess at this point we’re more looking at May or June. I don’t even know the procedure for frozen embryo transfers, how long they want you to wait in between, how long it takes, or anything… I guess I need to do some reading up on it.

It makes my head hurt. This is all just such bullshit that I even have to think about this. *sigh*

On the good side, it seems I adjust faster every time. Maybe it was the days of emotional breakdowns I completed in preparation. That probably helped, too.

Next Page »