Relaxing Doesn't Make Babies

Oh, this is new…

Feb 8, 2009 — 11:20 pm

Yesterday I gave myself my own shot. This is the first time I’ve ever had to do that for anything more than the little lupron shot – this was the full 1cc of fluid, mixed stims meds. And it was the one night Den had to work all evening. Short of driving myself up there so he could take a quick break to stab my stomach, I decided I’d just suck it up and do it myself. I could do this!

I got everything together, mixed the meds, drew it up, then stuck the ice pack on my belly until it started that tingly numb feeling. I did it quick, before I could overthink it. The needle went in easy, and… it didn’t even really sting as the fluid was injected. Not like last cycle. Easy as pie! I was so relieved!

And then I woke up this morning. A little bitty bruise, not bad… and a huge lump. And when I say “lump” I mean my entire belly was lopsided. I gave a, “Holy crap!” but no one was home to hear me (Den worked today again).

It was still big when Den got home, though, and he repeated my, “Holy crap, Nat! Are you okay??”

Den did my injection this evening and I’m really hoping that this one doesn’t do the same thing… although if it does at least both sides will be even, heh.

Now granted, I do not normally have a flat stomach, but this is something… special.

Mother effing rollercoasters

Feb 9, 2009 — 10:38 pm

So today… didn’t go as planned. To say the least.

I woke up to a doubly swollen stomach today. Yes, last night’s shot also reacted. No bruising this time, but a nice big lump. Matching lumps! And it, too, was itchy. My boss happened to be there when I arrived, so I had her take a look at it (as she happens to have medical training in a totally unrelated field). “I have taken two injections so far, one here, one here. Does this look like an allergic reaction to you?” She peered at it. “Yep. Definitely.” I stomped upstairs shouting, “WHY can’t ANYTHING be EASY?!??”

I know, allergic reaction was suggested to me yesterday. And I held it in my mind as a possibility, but I just wanted to wait and see if that first reaction was going to turn out to be a one-off type of thing. So I was really in quite a sour mood to find out that, no, this really is an allergic reaction of some sort. So I called the nurses and left a message for them just to let them know and find out if they wanted me to do anything about it. I made sure to point out that I was not in pain or anything, just itchy, no big deal. Just… thought you should know, is all. And then I went upstairs and freaked out that this would be A BAD THING and they would want to pull me off this drug. I was already preparing my bargaining – I’ll suffer, just let me do this cycle!! Please!!

Meanwhile coworker arrived and did the casual, “So how are things?” I showed her my stomach with a grumble, curse and a groan. “And,” I added, “on Saturday I felt a UTI starting, but at least that hasn’t bothered me since.” Cue dramatic irony here.

To rewind a little bit, when I was finishing up work on Saturday I had to pee several times. After about three trips to the bathroom (with little output) I knew it was not normal. I’ve had a UTI before, I know what that feels like. I came home and drank a ton of cranberry juice and layed in bed and thought more about the shot I needed to give myself than anything. Sunday I spent the day in bed, but I felt fine either way. I didn’t give the “possible UTI” a second thought until I mentioned it offhand to my coworker this morning.

So sure enough today it started bothering me again, with increasing intensity over the day. At first I figured I’d just wait to talk to the nurse when they called back about the allergy thing. Then when I felt like I wanted to just live in the bathroom I figured the nurse would be calling me any minute now. I finally ended up giving up on work and driving home. I was miserable. The itchy stomach thing had receded so far into the background of my conciousness I barely noticed it… it was my poor bladder that was shouting and banging pots and pans in my head.

Of course, somewhere in the process of driving home, stopping at the pharmacy to buy some OTC stuff, and running into the house to the bathroom, I missed the goddamn mothereffing call from the nurse. I had the phone either in my purse or in my hand at all times, so WHAT THE HELL?? Thinking it was really getting late and I should ring the on-call person I picked up my phone and there it was, “1 Missed Call” and a voicemail. I swear to you I wanted to throw that phone against the wall and scream, I really, really did.

I was left wondering WHO DO I CALL?? I just had a feeling that maybe the RE’s clinic isn’t the one who really should be handling something as mundane as a UTI, but at the same time I am an active patient and it’s all kind of connected, health-wise. The RE’s nurse is definitely who I wanted to talk to. Most people call their primary doctors, but the last time I did that I was told I didn’t have a UTI and was sent to my ob/gyn (who said I did have one, and treated it), so I don’t exactly trust his office with this particular problem. Do I call the ob/gyn? Suddenly I realized I am not ready to go back there until I am pregnant again. So… what do I do???? On a whim I called the RE nurse’s line… and she answered. Oh I felt like I’d won the lottery. No, really… it was the best thing that had happened all freakin’ day.

The nurse sent in a prescription for antibiotics for the stupid UTI, but I had to go get my urine cultured. I decided to go do that right then – the sooner I do it, the sooner they get the results. Unfortunately I’d been peeing all. day. long. I squeezed out a pathetic little amount into a little cup. I was told it was probably enough for one test… but two had been ordered. So I drank some water, sat in the waiting room for 15 minutes, and tried again. I think I gave them enough. Of course I’m now worried that, like last time, I’m going to be told I don’t have a UTI. Wouldn’t that be hysterical. Because I so do.

Getting back to the nurse’s voicemail message, there were other little goodies in there.

First of all, on saturday the nurses had asked me what kind of hCG I have for my trigger shot, since they were thinking the Dr wanted me to do the Ovidrel again, like last cycle. I, of course, have Novarel, not Ovidrel. So in my message I mentioned it, thinking they would just order me the correct stuff. Oh no. The nurse checked with the doctor. What I have is what he wants me to use this time – but he wants me to do it intramuscular.

I nearly dropped the phone. Not what I was expecting to hear!! I mean, it makes sense. But… what!! All you other IVF veterans must be giggling at me, because I’ve been pampered. I’ve gotten this far with doing only sub-q injections. No problem. I have lots of fat, I barely feel a thing! But the thought of that big needle in a muscle scares me to death. Oh goodie! Something new to frighten me with!

Oh, and the thing that started this whole day? The allergic reaction? She said it probably is the menopur and that I can try hot or cold compresses, and also can try using a little more diluent when I mix it, that could help lessen the effects. But she says they really want me to stay on this medication if I can. If I can?? I may be hunting for an unbruised, unswollen piece of blubber by the end of stims, but by god I will survive. Just call me Ms. Lumpy.

So it turns out that the thing I was worried about was nothing big, the thing that I had dismissed wouldn’t leave me alone, and the thing I didn’t even think to think about bit me in the ass. Literally.

It just wouldn’t be my cycle without some weird big crazy rollercoaster-from-hell, now would it.

I’m already exhausted, and it’s only stims day 3. Is it just me, or does the crazy shit happen earlier each cycle?

Sometimes “better” really depends on context

Feb 11, 2009 — 12:03 am

If you can believe it, I actually left out a part of yesterday’s story… the part where I threw up in a parking lot. Oh yeah, it was a fantastic day, I tell you. I was standing in the store, picking up a work order, when I started feeling ill. Very, very ill. It seemed to take forever to pick up the stuff and get outside, and by then I just wanted to heave. I managed to drive a little ways away before opening the door and throwing up my non-existent breakfast. It felt aweful. I hadn’t even eaten! Only took that…. pill…. oh son of a BITCH. Remember last cycle?? Oh yeah. antibiotics on an empty stomach. IDIOT.

::

I told you yesterday… I TOLD you. The urine culture came back negative for bacteria. WTF? Like I said, this has happened before to me. Well, I am feeling better today so I have no clue what was going on with that. But as long as my bladder is relaxing and having a good time then I frankly don’t care.

::

Stars be blessed, today was a better day. Not a great day, not by any stretch, but a better day for sure. Yesterday’s injection didn’t swell up nearly as much as the first ones, and my UTI symptoms disappeared. I felt almost human today… other than the fact that I looked completely dishevelled and was drinking cranberry juice all day (which, by the way, I don’t even like).

Plus… well, I think it’s fair to say I’ve been a little emotional the last couple of days. Today, even though I physically felt fine, there were times where I was sitting at my computer wanting to just burst into tears. Why? I have’t a clue!

And then evening rolled around and I got a nice headache.

Seriously, is this how most of you feel during stim cycles? If it is, I am SO SORRY. I know I’ve always felt a little big smug that I was special and never really got any side-effects to any of the drugs I took. Clomid, lupron, follistim… I hear some real horror stories, but nope, nothing of note for me.

And now I am lumpy, red, itchy and weepy. Serves me right.

::

More good news is that my E2 level is quite nice, right where it should be. That at least helps reassure me that the menopur is doing something. Will it be too much or too little? Only time will tell. I go in friday for an ultrasound and bloodwork.

It’s a minefield out there

Feb 12, 2009 — 11:59 pm

Quick vent first, before I get to my entry.

I stopped by the jewelery store today to look at their aquamarine rings; one of the things I am doing for Devin’s birthday is finally getting myself a birthstone ring. I am not sure exactly what I am looking for, but I know I want it to be small, elegant and simple. I am not impressed with their selection. I went online and am not impressed with anyones selection. It appears I have two choices: a mother’s ring, which most of them require two or more stones (I have only one child!), or an aquamarine ring, most of which are huge and gaudy. I mean, seriously? I am sure there are people out there who like that sort of thing… I am decidedly not one of them. I just want a simple stone in a simple setting. Why is that so freakin difficult?!

I don’t have an engagement ring. I do not, in fact, actually own any diamonds. My wedding band is just that – a simple wedding band. I’ve always had in mind buying something sparkley later on, but when faced with the decision of a ring or a camera I chose the camera. (I also have some moral objections to diamonds, which makes me hesitate even more.) But of course I looked. I like the small dainty ones, this is what I want. Just perfect.

The woman mentioned how they have a payment plan. Whenever I’m in a jewelery store I always get the feeling like they just assume I’m looking at the small rings because that’s all I can afford. I just laugh to myself. Maybe I’m the odd one.

::

One of the odd/interesting things about Facebook is that you re-connect with people from your past who you probably never would have otherwise. It seems that my friends from highschool have all remained very close friends… spending time together, going out together. It’s an odd kind of feeling, reading their updates to each other. What was it about me that I couldn’t stay connected? Even while I was there. But then I realize I was never really all that connected, even in high school. I was always apart from the rest. I just don’t think I ever really belonged. And I don’t think I should feel sad for that. Life took me in other directions.

It’s easy to fall into a mopey kind of state about things like that. My SIL has very close friends from highschool as well, as does my closest co-worker.

But then I log online and realize I am not alone. I may not have many people here, but just look at how much friendship I have cultivated in my life. Sometimes I just need to remind myself I have friends, too.

::

This has not been an easy week for me at work. For one reason or another there has been an upsurge in baby talk. Now I can handle it for some time. Sometimes I even participate. But I do still have a threshold for it – and I think right now I’m a little more emotional than I usually am. There are times when the buzzing in my head hurts, because the voices in my head are saying everything I can’t say outloud… the “it doesn’t always work out,” and “I had a baby, too!”

And yet I stand by my decision not to say anything to them. I just take a breather when I need to. I just don’t want the awkwardness around me… I don’t want people wondering what they can and can’t say, I don’t want whispering and silenced conversations when I walk near. That would drive me even crazier. They know my story, and I try to talk about Devin. For me it is a relief to be able to talk about him in random conversations and not have people stop or stutter. I am VERY appreciative of that. But I know that I set the tone. I speak about him with calmness, joy. A little wistful. That’s how I want him to be remembered. That’s how I want him to be talked about.

But sometimes it is just really hard, especially right now in the middle of infertility treatments. Pregnancy announcements, even if they come from complete strangers, still kick me in the ass. I always feel this flush of warmth heat my face, the anger and frustration coming to the surface for that moment. Why not me?? Always the same question, never an answer.

Dealing with the public you really get a good look at all the people who have babies and little kids. Maybe some of them had trouble conceiving… but you know that for the most part they were all blissfully unaware of what could go wrong. So many families. That’s all I want. I just wanted to be like them. I just want to walk into a bank with my little children in tow. It looks so simple. For them it probably is.

But we are not them. And we never will be.

::

My SIL was a little surprized when I told her retrieval was going to be next week. “It goes so fast!” she said. And it does. Once the cycle picks up with stims it doesn’t take long. But I’m still impatient.

I’m feeling some twinges in my ovaries, which is a good sign. Hopefully this time I won’t be feeling much more than twinges by the end, unlike last time. Tomorrow morning is my ultrasound. Again, impatient. I just want to know what’s going on in there. I just want to double-check that it’s still on track. Getting some idea of when retrieval will be would be nice, too.

A ring just for me

Feb 13, 2009 — 8:53 pm

I know what I want for a ring. I was looking online and suddenly a memory struck me… a ring I had loved when looking for wedding rings once upon a time (obviously, something I never ended up purchasing!). I had found it in a Canadian jewelry store that I really like. Sadly of course they do not have it on their website anymore… but I did save a picture of it on my computer in my “wedding” folder. This is it.

I also ended up finding a ring on their current website that strikes me as an “almost”… I think the perfect ring for Devin would be a combination of the two. Maybe without the side diamonds. I do love the marquise style stone but I think a princess cut would work just as well.

I also have to decide what size to get… should I get it made for my right ring finger, or my middle finger?

I’ve seen several mothers rings that I really like… that are meant for 2 or more children. Maybe someday I’ll be able to get one of those for all of my children. Someday.

The image around every corner

Feb 13, 2009 — 10:44 pm

An unexpected moment brings it all flooding back. Just a glimpse, a photo, a sudden reminder of what others have so easily. My heart breaks all over again. The wall crumbles, the tears fall.

The pregnant woman. Everything I want so desperately, everything I work so hard for. She is beautiful, so achingly beautiful… but all I can see is a hazy grey as my soul recoils in anger and hurt. It is sudden and takes the wind right out of me.

I cry at the anger. I grieve the joy I once felt as such pictures. I grieve the me who celebrated with them, awaiting my own life inside. The anger disgusts me, and yet it is so, so deep. So much jealousy and envy, so much anger at the mere thought that someone else may not appreciate what they have half as much as I would.

If this cycle fails… I just don’t know what I will do. I hurt so much.

Show and Tell

Feb 15, 2009 — 12:42 pm

Today I hung a painting (well, a print) on my wall.

I realize that I never actually wrote about the AFA conference I went to back in October. Suffice it to say nothing I heard was really new information and I didn’t have any big “ah-ha” moments. It was a little strange, really… I felt like an outsider for some reason… a lost, cynical veteran among bright-eyed, hopeful novices. There was so much more darkness in my heart, I was a shadow moving through.

There were plenty of booths there, promoting clinics and adoption agencies and selling little things. There was also an artist there – Ellen Spencer. Now I am not really a fan of most “art,” I normally just don’t get it. But every time I walked by her table this one painting drew me in. I kept stopping to stare at it. So I ended up buying a print, which of course was far more than I had intended to spend at the conference.

Today I finally dug it out of the bag it was carefully kept in, framed it, and hung it on my wall.

It’s obviously trees in an almost abstract, dreamlike mode. But to me they look like women holding up the upper branches… holding up the world. I guess that’s what spoke to me that day in October, shouldering my grief and infertility and loss. And yet the image is not dreary… the women-trees are stretching up, reaching towards the sky. It’s almost joyful. Serene. The image is empowering to me… reminding me to stand tall, telling me that I can keep holding it all up. It is hanging on the wall opposite our bed so I can continue to be reminded.

In a way I kind of feel like I went to that conference just to get that print. And it somehow feels worth it.

Go see what else is being shown for Show and Tell.

Waiting for more news

Feb 16, 2009 — 2:29 am

Here’s my confession for the day: I’m nervous as heck about tomorrow’s ultrasound. I have been trying really hard not to think about it, because there’s absolutely nothing I can do… whatever is going on inside those ovaries is out of my control. But still, I worry. I don’t know what they’re going to find tomorrow. If I’ve overstimmed again I’m going to be PISSED. I think I may even cry.

Things are just different now. This whole cycle has been like walking on eggshells. I walked out of the last appointment feeling relieved and thinking to myself, “No bad news yet.” And that’s really how I feel all the way through this. There is no GOOD news… just news that isn’t bad… yet. I wait for the shoe to drop.

I was thinking about my IVF cycles and how each has been so different.

IVF#1 was the “textbook” cycle. The blissfully unaware of anything going wrong cycle. It was the kick in the teeth with the fertilization report… totally, utterly unprepared. It was the huge shock of disappointment.

IVF#2 was full of hope that we would “solve” the fertilization problem with ICSI… so we still weren’t prepared for the same result. Mostly I remember the anger… I was so furious. No one could give us answers. And then the shock of success when I least expected it. IVF#2 was Devin.

IVF#3 was so slow to get started. It was obstacle after obstacle… it was the cycle where everything went wrong. Insurance authorization problems, timing problems, major overstimming, and again poor fertilization despite trying something new. The whole cycle was a pain in my ass, exhausting and frustrating. And, unlike my first two cycles, I knew we’d be dealing with severe fertilization issues… so no happy fluffy rainbows for the first half of the cycle. I was slogging through mud, and I knew it was mud.

IVF#4 so far has been eerily quiet. I’m twitchy as hell after last cycle, waiting for something to go wrong. Well, there was the allergic reaction, but that doesn’t really impact the cycle itself so it doesn’t bother me. We will see how this one turns out… how I will finish IVF#4’s description.

It’s all good!

Feb 16, 2009 — 11:00 am

Very very happy to report that my ultrasound showed everything growing just perfectly!! I still have 11 on the right, 13 or 14 on the left, and almost all of them are all grouped at about the same size (around 16mm). I walked out of there practically giddy.

They need another day before trigger – they’re pretty sure it will be tomorrow, but because of my egg maturity issue they want me to get scanned again just to be doubly sure that they aren’t jumping the gun. Fine with me.

So it’s looking like retrieval on Thursday, transfer on Saturday!

::

And also, Kel found The Ring!!

Two minor problems with it: the stone is huge for my finger (7mm!) and the ring itself doesn’t come small enough for my ring finger. So I’ll probably take this to the local jeweler to get something custom made with a smaller stone. But this is perfect… it has the graceful curves I wanted, it has a heart shaped stone, it’s simple and elegant without being too small and simple. J’adore.

Trigger

Feb 17, 2009 — 10:16 pm

And I am triggered! Retrieval is 9am Thursday.

I am feeling bloated. And looking horrendously bloated. I don’t feel that bad – unless I try eating an actual meal, at which point I feel like throwing it back up because everything is so squashed in there. (Which really makes me wonder – how on earth can I go through an entire pregnancy with a 5lb baby and huge uterus taking up my entire abdominal cavity and feel fine, but my ovaries bloat up and I feel ill? What is WITH that?) The belly is going to have fun when I get pregnant again…. it takes half a suggestion to get big and round and boy does it go for it. I guess it doesn’t look that noticeable when I’m wearing clothes, but I look down and it’s just so wrong. Dearest belly, I am NOT PREGNANT. Please deflate.

Yesterday’s E2 was 3300, so they wanted to drop down my dose to 2 vials instead of 3 of the menopur. I puttered about mixing my meds, thinking mainly about how I was going to do the trigger. Then this morning I woke up and thought to myself, Self, did you do 2 vials, or 3?? After mentally walking myself through my motions I ended up pretty sure that I had indeed given myself 3 just by rote. Well shit.

I did confess to the nurse that mistake, but she was pretty sure that wouldn’t affect anything. “We’re just supporting those follicles now,” she said. I felt better after that.

And after the ultrasound. My lining is at a lovely 12 triple. Right side has the same as yesterday (12 total), with the largest now measuring 17.5, 18, 19, 19.5, 20, 20.5. Left side also has the same as yesterday (14 total), with the largest measuring 13, 13, 13.5 16.5, 17, 17, 1, 18, 18.5, 19.5. My left ovary was very weird looking in that the top half had the big ones, and the bottom half had all the smaller ones. But she pointed out that we’ll still probably get eggs out of the smaller ones, since they’re all squished in there… they look small because there’s no room to grow, even though they’re ready.

My E2 from today came back at 4719… a good sight better than 6000+ like last time! (Even though I do realize that for “normal” people approaching 5000 is bad.) So trigger it is!

I was supposed to trigger at 9pm, which would put me at 36 hours before retrieval. The doctor apparently decided that triggering 2 hours early last time didn’t do anything, so he went back to normal protocol. But, I don’t know, it didn’t hurt anything. And maybe that’s why we got 3 mature eggs last time. So we triggered an hour early. Shhhh.

This was – drumroll, please – my very first IM shot. I was fine as long as I didn’t think too hard about it. I just kept telling myself that people do it, it’s fine. But then I started mixing the hcg with the big needle and stared at it thinking holy shit. It’s not even so much the thought of it hurting that bothered me, but I just had this irrational fear that the needle was huge and would hit bone or something. Yes, irrational, I know. But it wigged me right out.

Den reassured me – he had people at work show him how to do IM shots, and he even got to do a couple. I watched the video on how to do it – I did, not Den, the person who would be doing the shot. Later I realized how silly that was, but I needed the reassurance that it wasn’t a big deal. I iced my butt (which, shockingly enough, didn’t really feel numb like my belly gets). Bent my leg, leaned forward a little, and breathed. And did not look.
“Ready?” Den asked.
Poke. I felt a little pinch. I braced myself for the stinging.
“Okay, done!”
“Wait… you’re done already?!” I hadn’t even felt him pull the needle out. Maybe it was more numb than I thought back there. Or butts just aren’t all that sensitive. Could be a little of both, I’m thinking.

Onward to retrieval and the big reveal. How many embryos will we get this time? I still hold a little torch for some frosties. I am not naive enough to really believe that this change in protocol will give me a basketful, but getting 2 or 3 embies would be really really nice.

This cycle has gone quite well so far, I just don’t know what to expect at this retrieval.

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