An un-pregnant pregnancy
So apparently I have morning sickness. Wait… what?? I’m not pregnant yet! How can I have morning sickness?? I have no clue, and yet… here I am, feeling nauseated as all hell.
Yesterday morning I cooked a big omelette for breakfast. Den got a large half, I got a small half. I took one bite… and immediately felt very ill. I actually ended up throwing up the one bite. I didn’t feel like eating much until a few hours later. But me and eggs, we don’t always get along, so I shrugged it off.
This morning I didn’t eat breakfast at all. I was driving to Costco to pick up the order for work, and I just felt so nauseated. Like I had to heave really, really bad. But I was in the truck. So I just focussed on breathing through my nose, taking big gulps of air when I had to. When I pulled into the parking lot I pushed the door open, fell out, and immediately started dry heaving. For like two minutes.
So I ask you – what the fuck was that?? Is it a coincidence that this started the day after I started stims? Is my mind playing games with me? But if that were the case, why on earth would I be “tricking” myself into morning sickness before retrieval? That sounds completely non-sensical. Last pregnancy I didn’t get sick until I was 6 weeks pregnant, and I certainly didn’t expect anything different. This is so weird.
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This morning I was thinking about how it’s been a year and a half since my last IVF. It’s really hanging over my head. I mean… holy crap. This weekend will mark 9 months since we lost Devin. That’s an entire pregnancy length. How did that go so fast? I have now been not-pregnant for as long as I was pregnant, and that seems significant somehow.
I really hope this cycle works, for so many reasons. The timing just seems right. Not that I believe in signs anymore (ha, yeah right), but it all just seems right. Meaningful. 9 months in, 9 months out, 9 months in. I’m ready to take this on again. I’ve been ready.
I just hope this is my time again, that I don’t have to wait any longer. In a little over a week we should have an embryo. And that is definitely significant, knowing how few embryos I’ve ever been able to create.
Hope. That damnable, blessed thing. Hope.