Relaxing Doesn't Make Babies

In love of sleep

Jul 1, 2008 — 2:49 am

Last night I didn’t sleep very well. I went to bed when Den did, which is to say I turned off my laptop and attempted to sleep. Attempted being the case. It wasn’t even that I wasn’t tired, or that I wasn’t almost falling asleep… it was that my mind kept drifting back to that day. That morning. That ultrasound. Why I was thinking about it, I just don’t know. But all night, over and over again the phone calls, the picture, the feeling of walking around with the weight of the earth pulling at my belly, my dead baby inside. I normally don’t fixate like that… I have lots of fleeting thoughts, memories, sure… but normally I can acknowledge them and let them go. Last night I just could not.

I wasn’t sad so much as I was… anxious. I could feel myself floating right near the edge of a panic attack. I could feel the anxiety pressing in on me. I guess, maybe what was worst for me wasn’t the knowledge that my baby was gone… but rather that time of transition, of upheaval… imminent death. When my mind is replaying those scenes it takes me back there while a voice is saying, God no, not again.

I finally did fall asleep, and I thought that would be the end of it… but no. I woke up half an hour before my alarm was set to go off, my brain still swirling. I just felt like crying at that point… not out of grief, but out of frustration. I did go to work and got some things done, but not only was my heart not in it, my brain was nowhere to be found. I was tired, frustrated, on edge. I went home early, knowing I’d have to go back in tomorrow to finish everything I didn’t get done.

And here it is, 2:40am. Still awake. I’m a little bit tired (I was exhausted all day, then night comes around and I’m right back where I started). But I think the main thing preventing me from turning off this computer and trying to sleep is the fear that those thoughts will all come crashing down on me again. And I just really really don’t want another night like that.

I’m not one to be at all fond of medication – in fact, I don’t ever recall a time, other than when I was ill, when I wished I had a sleeping pill to take. Tonight I do. I need some damn sleep… the peaceful, restful kind… not the kind that leaves you wishing you were still unconcious.

6×6

Jul 2, 2008 — 12:35 am

As always, all you loss mamas out there please join in.

1 | How would you describe your relationship to fear before and after the loss of your baby?
Before: Fear was paranoia, distant. Small jitters, easily brushed aside. Now: Fear is real, up close and personal. It is overwhelming, suffocating. It is believable.

2 | Is your lost baby/are your babies present in your life? In what way?
Yes. There are “things” everywhere: his tree in our yard, his photo on my shelf and computer wallpaper, his handprints on my wall, his quilt on my wall, his memory box out in the open. And yet it too frequently feels like a daydream that I’m clinging to – a memory that lingers.

3 | Tell us about something said or done after your loss that left you feeling nurtured or supported.
All the people who wept, who said simply, “I’m sorry” – the shock and horror and massive chaos that followed his death. It wasn’t really words, it was the reactions. The “Oh my god”s.

4 | Tell us about something said or done after your loss that left you feeling marginalized or misunderstood.
I thankfully had very few of these. But the one that stands out in my memory is a seriously misguided attempt at humor, saying, “Well at least you can have lots of sex!” And the implication that we could always just have another.

5 | What’s taken you a long time to do again? How did it feel, if you have?
To go back to the chiropractor. I don’t know why that one has been so hard… at first it was because I didn’t want to have to tell them. Now they all know and I still haven’t gone back. I just keep making excuses.

6 | How would you describe yourself as a partner before, and after?
Before: Demanding, self-absorbed. After: Softer, more empathetic, more sorrowful. I have this need to take his hurt away.

The New Normal

Jul 2, 2008 — 4:00 am

The Sick is still not getting better. In fact, it is getting worse. I woke up this morning feeling like something had died in my throat. Luckily that did not stick around all day (why are sore throats always worse in the mornings?), but the body aches did. Ugh. I’ve had the kind of flu where you’re puking and snotty, but I never really understood the whole “body ache” thing. It’s so weird. It’s kind of like I over-exercised except, well, I didn’t exercise. And it’s weird parts like my sides and lower back. My legs started aching when I went to bed, too. The being stuffed up, though, that feels normal. I guess I just kind of got used to that during pregnancy… it’s felt very strange the last few months to be able to breathe clearly.

And no, I don’t think I’m pregnant. Just a damn virus.

::

I was laying here in bed thinking about autopsy results. I realized just how much knowing what happened to Devin has helped me work through things. Knowing that it was a freak accident, I don’t spend time worrying about it happening again. After he died I really worried that it was a cord accident… that me waking up on my back had killed my baby. I felt so much guilt, wondering if something I had done had caused this. It was such a relief, in a way, to know that there was nothing to be done… nothing to be seen, nothing to be prevented. There was nothing anyone could have done to prevent this, save for delivering him early. And without any way of knowing something was wrong, that was never even a consideration.

I was thinking about how in as much as half of stillbirth cases no one can determine the cause. That would SUCK so bad. I think I’d drive myself mad with the what-ifs… and the fear, oh the fear. If I thought it was something that could easily happen again, like a simple cord accident? Or something unknown that took my baby? Going through it again would be more than terrifying… it would be just waiting for it to happen again. Not that I won’t be scared out of my wits. But it’s different. I have some sense of reassurance.

::

My mind also drifts to the way we have Devin around us. I think we have something of Devin’s in every room – not intentionally, but it just turned out that way. I always figured that would be upsetting, but it seems kind of normal now to have his memorial quilt hanging above my bed, his photos in my living room. Even things that were unintentional, like the still-in-a-box crib that still rests against the wall in Den’s office. We don’t really have anywhere to put it, so it stays there. And it just seems normal to have it there, waiting for the next time. I feel comforted by these things.

Our house has not become a museum, like Den feared. It is not ALL Devin… but he is simply sprinkled throughout, as if it’s natural to have a photo of my pregnancy beside a wedding photo. And it is. We’ve adapted to our new normal.

We talk of the “next kid” and reference our “living children” when talking about plans. There is Devin, and there will be more.

And there will always be space for Devin’s things on the wall.

Homebirth Petition

Jul 2, 2008 — 9:03 pm

I keep talking about birth as an experience, as a pivotal life-changing event in a family, in a woman’s life, and how important it is to preserve a woman’s right to choose the manner and place of her birth. Here’s your chance to voice it, to fight for it. Please sign the petition to prevent the AMA and ACOG from making homebirth illegal.
http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/birthathome/

::

I received this in a group email, and it is a very good read.

Animal vs. Human Birth

The protocols in the world of animal husbandry to protect an offspring at the time of birth—no strangers, dimmed lights, freedom of movement, familiar environment, unlimited nourishment, respectful quiet, no disruptions—are done without hesitation because to do otherwise invites “unexplained distress” or sudden demise of the offspring. These thoughtful conditions are the norm, along with careful observation to determine when to use the technological expertise in true emergencies. When we have veterinarians in our childbirth education classes, they always start to smile and nod when I tell this story. These are givens—instinctive givens, even, for animals of all descriptions!

Yet what are the “givens” for the human who births not in a barn, but in a “modern and advanced” hospital? In many cases, 100% the opposite! Usually a minimum of a dozen strangers pass through the world of the laboring mother in her first 12 hours in the hospital—security officer, patient transporter, triage secretary, admission clerk, triage nurse, resident and/or doctor on call, admitting nurse, first shift nurse, break nurse, additional nurse at delivery, doctor or midwife plus possibly students, anesthesiologist, pediatrician, etc. Bright lights in the triage and labor rooms are challenging to dim. Mothers are tethered to monitors or IV poles and are moved through a bright hall with unfamiliar sounds to a new room in a building devoted to illness/trauma that most have visited once briefly if at all. They receive poor quality “clear liquids only.” They are exposed to voices of others in the hall or chatting by the attendants during contractions and endless disruptions throughout! But then, do we ever find that we have an offspring experience “unexplained distress?” Of course, and at frightening rates! Yet, oddly, many of these disruptions are promoted as minor inconveniences or necessary to “protect” the baby.

Curiously, while veterinarians commonly have to defend interventions in light of the additional cost and the risks associated with interfering with nature, providers caring for human mothers within the medical system more commonly are forced to defend why they did NOT intervene! Consider the high rates of inductions, epidurals, artificial rupture of membranes, immediate cord cutting, cesareans and the vigorous defense necessary to fight for anything different, especially if time is involved (time to go into labor, to progress, to push, to allow the cord to stop pulsation or to get “done” bonding). I’ve recently seen outstanding CNMs and obstetricians sacrifice their own political reputations and suffer departmental reprimands for births with great outcomes where they protected the mothers’ yearning for privacy, allowed extended pushing time with great vital signs or, during a healthy normal birth, followed their intuition and honored the mother’s begging to check heart tones frequently by hand during pushing instead of what the mother considered the massive intrusion of wearing the monitor belt. Interventions are considered to be the ultimate protection from litigation in human care, yet they contribute mightily to the high rates of distress in mothers and babies!

In animal husbandry, the first line of defense for protecting the unborn is to protect and nurture the nutritional needs and comfort of the birthing female. In the case of institutionalized birth for humans, however, in spite of evidence to the contrary, the norm is to act as if the nutritional needs and the comfort of the birthing mothers are of concern to, at most, the marketing and public relations department! It’s an affront to common sense that as a society we are currently more accepting of the needs of foaling mares, whelping poodles and high-producing cows than of our birthing humans. From the high rates of fetal distress, meconium staining and breastfeeding problems, the consequences are clearly devastating to our infants, just as any decent horseman would predict.

— Beth Barbeau
Excerpted from “Safer Birth in a Barn?,” Midwifery Today, Issue 83
View table of contents / Order the back issue

Miss Bitchy

Jul 3, 2008 — 3:20 am

I have been in a bad mood all week, it seems. Online I’m mostly able to take a breath and walk off, but in person I’m not so lucky. Den’s gotten his head bitten off so many times I’m surprized he’s still able to re-attach it. Every little thing just BUGS me. Him leaving an empty envelope on my desk? CAUSE FOR FREAK-OUT.

I do not LIKE feeling like this. I feel pretty miserable, in fact. I alternate between wanting to bawl hysterically and wanting to ream someone out. The only thing not upsetting me in some way or another is Lost, and I’ve been watching episode after episode (I’m on Season 3 now). I mean, I love the show and all but I’d be fine with doing only one or two episodes a day… if I had something else to do that didn’t make me freak out.

And then with being sick on top of my crap mood (or maybe being sick is throwing my mood), I’m not feeling too great physically either. The combo is making me even crankier. I’m not even sick enough to deserve being called sick…. my voice sounds a little froggy and it hurts now and then. And something just feels off. It’s like a light buzzing in the background… irritating and kind of gets in the way of doing normal day to day stuff, but not enough to knock you down for the count or anything.

And also? I’m annoyed that sleeping pills don’t work for me. Drowsy, my ass.

I’d say more, but it would just degenerate into a rant of epic proportions.

Dentistry, Ugh

Jul 3, 2008 — 4:40 pm

So the last time I wrote about the dentist was when I had my oral exam. The story continues from there.

I made an appointment for the cavities to get filled and for a tooth cleaning (separate appointments). I got nervous the day of the cavity filling (May 27) when I still hadn’t received my dental insurance card yet. I called and found out I wasn’t enrolled. WHAT?!?! was my reaction, since my hubby had called back at the end of APRIL to sign me up. Spoke with someone on the phone, paid them money to get me signed up, was told it was all set. And they screwed up. I got all that straightened out on the phone only to be told that the earliest they could (or would) backdate my insurance was June 1. Apparently, even had it gotten set up correctly when Den did it, it wouldn’t have started coverage until June 1 – a fact they neglected to tell my husband.

So I got three cavities filled that day, and none of it was covered by insurance.

I still had to make an appointment for a surgeon to get my wisdom teeth taken out. I want it to be done as soon as possible, given my month-to-month status of being un-pregnant. I booked an appointment with the surgeon my dentist recommended, got my x-ray taken, booked the surgery date… and found out they don’t take our insurance. Or, rather, they’re not “in-network.” Which means insurance covers only so much, we’d have to pay the rest. turns out it’s a difference of about $200 extra we’d have to pay, just to go to this dentist over an in-network dentist. Considering the money we just spent on my damn fillings, that is $200 we don’t have.

I did print off a list from our insurance of oral surgeons that ARE covered and asked my dentist who she’d recommend from the list. Today I called to make an appointment. Yep, as expected, I have to have another consultation before booking the surgery. I can get the x-ray sent over though. And the best part? The earliest they’re booking is end of August. 2 months away. Fucking hell.

I’m paying money and jumping through hoops just to get something done that I am dreading. It’s starting to feel to me like it’s just not going to work out. I’ll keep the appointment… if I’m not pregnant. If I am we’ll have to wait another year to try this all again. (I honestly don’t know what type of surgery is safe during pregnancy, but given my emotional state of paranoia surrounding the whole thing I’m not going to take chances for an elective surgery.)

I am SO frustrated by all of this. How come dental insurance sucks so freaking bad? I have great health insurance for everything from my depression to gynelogical health and preventative care… but getting my teeth healthy is apparently not important enough? By the end of getting my wisdom teeth pulled and my cavities filled we’ll have paid out of pocket over $1000. And did you know that periodontal disease has been linked with preterm and low birth-weight babies? This is part of the reason I decided I needed to take care of my teeth, regardless of the cost: the health of your teeth and gums is a part of the balance in your body, and it can and does affect your health in other ways. So WHY does it fall outside health insurance?! Why isn’t it considered important enough to ensure that people get proper care?

Arrrgggggg.

Gift and Struggles

Jul 4, 2008 — 12:11 am

Today I got in the mail a notice from FirstCandle that several online friends of mine made a donation to stillbirth research in Devin’s memory. Thank you, girls!! I have looked at March of Dimes, knowing that many people choose to donate to them. I was looking for something that did more for stillbirth reserach, however. And you girls seem to have found what I was looking for, without me saying a word. That means so very much.

::

I’ve been thinking about my SIL a lot. I haven’t talked to her since the last time I went over there, which was over 2 weeks ago. At first it was because I wanted to give them space… then I realized I needed to give me space. It was a heck of a lot easier on me to just not think about them. I tried hard those first two weeks of BabyH’s life… I tried really hard. I got through it, I dealt with a lot of grief issues, I cried a lot. And then I just needed a break.

But now I’m feeling guilty. I know they understand why, but… I’m sad. SIL is a friend and I don’t like avoiding her. Of course today, the day that I start really feeling like I could or should go over there I can’t – I’m sick. No going near baby. So I’ll just have to wait a little longer.

::

I’m in a kind of crappy place of thinking maybe I am pregnant. I say crappy because what I REALLy want to do is shove my fingers in my ears and say LALALA until such time as I get a positive pregnancy test and can celebrate. Until that point all I have to look forward to is the building hope every cycle, and then the punch in the gut at the end of it. I’d found a nice zen place to be, but it’s getting harder and harder to just let it go. I WANT this. And when you WANT something it hurts when you don’t have it. Sometimes I really hate hope.

Blinded by a milestone

Jul 5, 2008 — 12:37 am

I had been really looking forward to the fourth of july party (which takes place on the fifth). It’s a yearly event at a friend’s place, a huge party with lots of food, drink, entertainment, a pool to swim in, and many friends. I have some vodka and kahlua left and I was eagerly looking forward to using it all up – and then some. And just having a good time. Out with the adults, forgetting my life.

Then yesterday Den mentioned offhand that SIL, BIL and BabyH would be there. I remember her mentioning two weeks ago that they were going to come. Usually I love seeing them.

But suddenly it all crashed down on me. This party, this big yearly event… I had been saying my entire pregnancy how this year we’d be bringing a baby. I was so excited. This was the year it was all going to be different… a family, with a little one to splash in the pool. I was so very excited to show him off and just enjoy a simple day out like I had been dreaming off for years. I had even mentally put aside an outfit for him – a gift outfit, which I wasn’t sure if he would fit into yet. A baseball outfit. Daddy’s All Star.

That won’t be happening now. SIL and BIL will have their new daughter to show off. Everyone will be ooing over the newborn. I can handle seeing them, I can handle seeing the baby, but I cannot handle seeing everyone fawn over the baby. That is absolutely the thing I have dreaded most about BabyH’s arrival, and why I timed our visits not to coincide with crowds. I can’t handle that, I just can’t.

The last party, a few weeks ago, we saw some friends of ours whom we haven’t seen in half a year. Friends who last saw me pregnant; friends who obviously knew what happened. But they didn’t say a word. Yes, they greeted me with, “How are ya?” which might have – or might not have – been an inquiry into my state of things. But it very likely was just the same greeting I get every time. And I know I shouldn’t blame people for not wanting to bring it up, but there is something so damn frustrating about having people KNOW and yet not acknowledge it. At that same party someone I barely know asked if we have any kids yet, and I quietly told him what had happened. He seemed quite upset, said he was sorry. Was it emotional to tell the story? Yes. But even that was easier than not having said anything at all.

I’m fine with answering direct questions, even ones from people who know nothing and are hardly expecting the kind of answer I give. But I guess I just don’t know how to bring it up. “Hi. Yes, my baby died, I’m okay talking about it,” seems a little… crude.

So I fell apart tonight a little. It all just came bubbling up from the depths, crying for what should have been. It’s been weeks since I really cried… I think I needed it. There’s only so much I can do just holding it together, getting through the daily shit. Some days, some nights, I just have to scream inside my head a little, wishing my life were different. I still find myself wishing fervently that we could go back and fix this… wishing I would wake up now. I’m supposed to be holding a baby with chubby little arms and legs, soft skin, downy hair. MY baby. My own. I’m supposed to be joyful and fulfilled. I am not supposed to be looking forward to a party so I can get drunk and forget all about the last shitty 4 months of my life.

It all just seems so fucking unfair I can’t even stand it. And it feels, too, like I’m dealing with two separate griefs piled on top of each other: the grief of having lost a son that I carried in my womb for 8 months, a boy with personality, a name, a future. And also the grief of this being another year of being childless, another year spent wondering if we are ever going to have this which we want so desperately. The loss and the infertility. I can handle either separately… but both together feels like far too much. Too much for any one person. I can deal with this loss if I knew I was going to be pregnant again soon, to have another chance… but there are no guarantees. Not for anyone, certainly not for an infertile.

Childless, not pregnant, and desperately missing my son. Happy July 4th to me.

Moooaaannnn

Jul 5, 2008 — 1:59 am

Also, in other fun news, I am getting sicker. Light buzz in the background? Not so much anymore. Last night I could barely swallow because it hurt so much every time I tried, today my sinuses are clogged so I can hardly breathe, and the combination makes me sound like a frog. I’m using some Tylenol cold and cough syrup stuff that seems to work well, but I think the length of time the effects last gets shorter each time.

And now? Late at night? My stomach is upset. Very upset. Lots of gurgling and gas and it’s actually moderately painful at times.

Sleeping is very difficult when you can’t breathe, can’t swallow, and your stomach is rumbling aggressively. I’m actually not quite sure how I’m going to manage this.

Ugh, I hate this! I very rarely get sick, so when I do I’m not just miserable, but I’m pissed off!

A good night

Jul 6, 2008 — 3:26 am

My eye has something wrong with it. I don’t know what. I know that I woke up with gunk in my eye, and it hurt, and all day the whites of my right eye was all red. People kept asking me if I was okay. Poor eye. :(

I’m still a little bit drunk, but not as much as I was, so I’m going to try to write stuff now since I can’t sleep (damn eye).

The party actually went really well. We were one of the first ones to get there (as usual), and it was pouring. We waited a while before anyone else showed up! That kind of negated the “big crowd” worries of mine.

I already had a drink in me by the time SIL, BIL and BabyH arrived. Wow, BabyH has changed! SIL said it wasn’t that much, but as someone who hasn’t seen her in 2 weeks? Wow. Cute little chubby cheeks and pouty lips as she slept. She was so sweet, sleeping for most of the party. I didn’t feel too bad, except for the moments when people came over and congratulated SIL, telling her how beautiful her baby was. Just small pangs then. And then I took a big swallow of my drink.

The twins – BIL’s twin girls, 7 years old – were really really sweet. They were calling me Auntie Natalie today, which just made me so happy. I’ve known them since they were 1, but I know it’s been a little confusing for them, as I was just dating their uncle back then. They asked me if I would go swimming with them, and of course I did. I taught them how to dive today. I love to swim, and I love to teach, so I was showing them how to stretch their arms out in front of them and try to go in head-first. One of them got it; the other kept doing belly-flops. It was pretty funny. But they would grab onto my shoulders and I’d haul them around the pool… as weird as I can feel around kids, it’s pretty damn awesome to be someone’s aunt. I’m glad we got to have fun today. Uncle Denis is usually the fun one (which I don’t mind, as – like I said – I can feel rather awkward around kids), and he surely did jump in and carry them around for a while, but I think I scored some cool points today. Yay! Auntie Natalie is COOL!

Someone at the party pulled me aside to say she was really sorry for our loss. I didn’t really know her, other than knowing her from previous parties… she’s friend of a friend. I don’t even remember her name. But we talked for a good long while about stuff. She had to do IUI to get pregnant with her kids, she said, and she remembered how emotionally taxing it was. It was just so nice to talk about Devin, to have someone ask about him and chat a while. It was really really nice.

And then of course later in the evening I was totally toasted and talked with step-MIL and FIL for a while about everything. They are just so great – and I told them so. I got a few hugs. I am so, so thankful that Den’s family is as wonderful as they are. All of them. I know I can just talk about Devin in any conversation and they all totally get it. They know how hard it’s been, and they offer sympathy… but they’re also totally okay with talking about him and stuff when I want to.

Our friend – the one who was hosting the party tonight – has also been really great. She says things like, “I never thought it could happen so late in pregnancy like that!” and “I was just in shock, I just couldn’t believe it!” She’s the kind not to be afraid to say something, so she’ll just say, “Fuck, that totally sucks.” And seriously? That’s one of the most comforting things people can say. Not to try to “explain” it, not to try to be positive, but to just say, “It totally sucks,” and nod their head. I think yeah, they get it. I don’t need waterworks or drama… just someone who seems to understand. That’s all. It’s pretty simple, I guess.

So it was a pretty good night. I only had four drinks and one shot and I was totally drunk. Den drove home (designated driver!) and I was basically falling asleep against the truck door. When we got home I told him to put the sheets in the dryer… then I fell asleep on the bare mattress. LOL! Just kind of keeled over and though “well this is fine.” I remember stumbling to the bathroom at some point… I couldn’t even read the clock because it kept going fuzzy and blurring on me. I always find it hysterical when I’m drunk… I don’t do it too often so it’s just way too funny. I enjoyed myself. And of course now that the fresh clean sheets are on the bed I can’t fall asleep. Figures.

Den’s mom is coming over tomorrow and I’m looking forward to visiting with her for a while. Next week, whenever I’m feeling better, I’m going to go over to keep SIL company and visit with BabyH. It’s not nearly as hard as I was fearing.

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