I wasn’t really tired so I got up and started playing WoW and munching on a bag of trail mix. When I got to the end of the bag I felt SICK. I still feel sick, half an hour later. The thought of food is making me gag.

I so called it. I felt gassy all day, and near the end of the day I just felt that… feeling. That heavy feeling. Sure enough, 10pm and I have a lot of red spotting. AF will be here in the morning.

I feel so heavy and sad. I just sat here in bed for a few minutes, staring at nothing, until Den came in to tell me my mom had called him (I’d not picked up when she’d called me). It’s just like… like I’m playing russian roulette. Every spin you hope, but you know in your heart you’re not going to win the jackpot.

When I told Den he came in and gave me a big hug and we just sat there for a while. He said he’s going to make an appointment with his doctor to get a Sperm Analysis done. I pointed out that we don’t know if our insurance will cover it, he just said, “It’s important.” He thinks that’s our problem. In a way I’m kind of afraid that the numbers will come back good, because then it means something might be wrong with me. I know it’s foolish, but sometimes I think that it’s because of my depression – that my body doesn’t think I should get pregnant and be a mother.

I was thinking about how we were going to start TTC this month. I never thought when we started in November that I wouldn’t be pregnant already. We started early and are no further ahead than if we hadn’t – except maybe that I have a good idea of what my body’s doing now. I can pinpoint my ovulation based on several signals now: my temp jump, obviously; my cervical fluid is fertile beforehand; my breasts start hurting; and my sleeping patterns get screwed up. And that’s all without any ovulation predictors, which don’t seem to be working for me at all.

I’m just so upset. I’m trying not to cry when AF comes, but every month it gets harder not to. I see other people getting pregnant, I see really cute baby things… and I just want it for myself. I want it to be my turn to start a baby registry and have a growing tummy. I want our little bean.

I was flipping through our OnDemand selections under Parenting and actually found a bunch of little shows regarding pregnancy and fertility. I was jotting down notes.

• When finding a doctor or midwife who will be looking after you during pregnancy and labor&delivery, three important questions to ask are:

  1) Their episiotomy rate. She said this gives a very good indication as to what kind of training they’ve had and how they approach childbirth. If they have a high epi rate, for instance, they probably weren’t trained in how to properly massage and ease the mother through the birth (so not needing an epi).

  2) Their cesarean rate. This depends also on whether they specialize in high-risk pregnancies or not (midwives usually have lower rates, because they don’t take high-risk pregnancies), but by choosing a doctor with a lower rate you are putting yourself at a lower risk for a c-section.

  3) How is the baby monitored during labor, intermittently, or continuously? Obviously if something comes up and there is a reason to monitor continuously, that’s one thing. But, given the choice, the statistics say that monitoring continuously during a normal labor does not benefit the baby any more than monitoring intermittently, but actually results in a higher rate of c-section (higher risk for the mother).

  All these questions speak to the doctor/midwife’s approach to childbirth. It’s important to feel comfortable with your doctor or midwife, and to feel as secure as possible during labor.

• Most OBGYNs will want to make your first appointment for when you are 8-10 weeks along. That’s when they can start running bloodtests and measuring the fetus to estimate the due date and other things. Before then, when you first find out you’re pregnant, all they can really do is confirm the pregnancy.

• A choice you’ll make for your labor and delivery is where you’ll have it: attended home birth, a birth center, or in a labor&delivery unit in a hospital. First of all it depends on your risk factor, if you’re high-risk you’ll have to be in a hospital – and if something occurs during the delivery you’ll be moved to one. But for a normal pregnancy, the choice depends on where the mother feels safest and most comfortable. She recommended touring your options early and comparing, to decide what’s best for you. I’m pretty sure I’d prefer a birthing center, it’s a nice balance. I’ll have to do research and see if there’s any in the area. (Can you imagine all the fur that would cause problems here at home? Yuck.)

• A recommended infertility book: A Few Good Eggs. I’m going to buy it if we continue having no luck getting pregnant. It addresses all aspects of infertility, was referred to as a “road map” for couples dealing with infertility. Some of the things mentioned in the interview with the author were myths like “I’m young and healthy, it won’t happen to me,” and the fact that your eggs are limited and getting older, so don’t put off TTC too long thinking they’ll be around forever. Also she said, if you’re dealing with IF issues, see an RE – your OBGYN is not properly equipped to deal with it.

• Starting at a healthy weight like I am now you should expect to gain 25-35 lbs during your pregnancy, and it should be a consistent weight gain through the second and third trimesters.

• As far as diet, obviously that’s important. Some food suggestions I jotted down: whole weat pasta, rice and breads; look for low fat yogurts and cheeses; avoid aged, soft cheeses; protein from eggs, lean tenderloin, skinless chicken breast; cooked fish has lots of healthy things in it, but be careful of the big fish like tuna and shark (and no uncooked fish); and for fruit smoothies are great!

I like doing research. It makes me feel more in control and positive.

Looking up our local hospitals to see what’s available:

This is very good to read. And I know my obgyn is listed at both hospitals. I’m very pleased to know there is a birthing center at Baystate!

They also offer classes:

• Preparation for Childbirth

  This course will give you and your partner complete, up-to-date information about having a baby. This comprehensive 8 week course includes:

  * coping techniques for life and labor
  * techniques for the labor coach
  * medication choices
  * birth options
  * cesarean birth
  * tour of the Birthing unit
  * birth and baby care videos
  * postpartum care for mom
  * infant care class
  * breast or bottle feeding class

  This course meets for eight weeks. Classes are offered Sunday through Thursday evenings and on Saturday mornings. Class fee is $90.00.

Middle of the night, unable to sleep. Well, I haven’t bothered trying – my period makes it difficult. I’m getting hit with some nausea, but luckily very little cramping. Not like nausea is fun, though.

I played more with OnDemand and found myself in the fitness channels. I turned on a bellydancing show just for kicks, I didn’t intend to do anything – but I ended up following along all through the hour long program. It wasn’t super hard like a lot of the hardcore exercise videos are (you know the type, where you’re flat out on your back gasping for breath midway through), and it was more dance-like. I liked it. Something I can do at home when I do have the means (or desire!) to get to the Y.

Another book recommendation from the forum: Birthing From Within (regarding natural childbirth and the fears thereof!).

I am feeling more and more strongly about having a completely natural childbirth (no pain medication at all). The more I read, the more sure I am. At first it was more of a feeling that I’d prefer it that way but was scared at the thought. But the thing is, epidurals tend to slow labor down and make it harder for the baby to be born (because it lightens contractions and makes it hard for the mother to tune in to things and know when to do what). Pitocin sounds just nasty to me – it’s used to induce labor, but makes the contractions WICKED strong, one on top of the other, so they almost always have to give an epidural on top of it. (And the other way around – some epis make contractions lighten so much they have to give pitocin to pick them up… oi vey, what a nasty cycle). Using pain meds (and pitocin) also increases your risk for a c-section, which I want to avoid at all costs unless medically necessary.

I really want to take Bradley classes, and I hope Den gets into it, because he’s going to be my labor coach. He has absolutely no idea what that entails. I get the feeling he thinks he’s going to just sit beside me and hold my hand while I push the kid out. Ha, little does he know… (I also know he’s going to be crying and possibly freaked out with the yucky stuff).

Well, ovulation is nowhere in sight. Either this cycle is going to have a late O, or it’s an anovulatory cycle. I started temping later than I should have – cycle day 11 – and was really confused to find my temp high, like it never dropped. Three days it was high – then it finally dropped back down where it should be. I’m not getting much CM at all. All OPKs are nearly blank they’re so negative. So now I just sit around and wait to see what happens. Good chance I have delayed ovulation due to the cold I have currently, apparently being sick at all can postpone it.

I finally got off my butt today and went to the Y to exercise. I stayed out of the pool, but did the elliptical for 15 minutes and then some weights. I did a fat burning/cardio workout on the elliptical. It has the fancy heartrate monitors on the handlebars that I had to hold onto the entire time. Well it was constantly telling me to slow down to reduce my heartrate – it was up at 170! :eek: And the machine program had no “hills” or any resistence at all, I was just gliding along without breaking much of a sweat. I don’t know if there was something wrong with the machine, or if my heartrate is really that wonky. I’d be willing to guess it’s the latter. I’d hate to see what it would say if I actually pushed harder.

Weight today: 141.5. Bleh. Gotta lay off the cookies… and get back to exercising. (I’ve not gone for almost a week, because of being sick.)

I got a positive OPK today! I’m so excited – it’s been months since I’ve gotten a positive. They’ve been downright blank for days, and I forgot to test this morning, so this afternoon after a nap I took one and WOW was that ever positive. I’m hoping that’s a good sign for this cycle. At least I’m pretty sure I’ll be ovulating soon, since it’s already later than I usually do.

My chart sucks this month, due to the high temps outside, the AC being put in, and me being sick. I can’t even tell if I ovulated for sure or not – though it’s looking like a yes, especially since I got that positive OPK.

But I need to rant a little here. [Note: I’m not talking about anyone I know online!]

First off, in regards to me charting. I’m really getting annoyed by people telling me to stop charting, that stopping will somehow miraculously get me pregnant. Not only is that false logic by a massive overgeneralizations by the few “experiences” they’ve known (like a friend who got pregnant after stopping charting, or them getting pregnant while never charting), but I find it rather rude and presumptive. This is what I DO. I can’t stop planning and being detail-oriented any more than I can turn naturally redhaired. I could MASK it, sure – but that doesn’t change who I am, now does it.

Secondly, when I mentioned offhand that I am considering trying to have a natural childbirth you could have thought I’d announced I was moving to africa until we had a baby in the wilderness. I’m glad that other people have options available – that’s great! I’m sorry your birth was such a difficult one and you felt like you were going to die – although I might point out that the pitocin they gave you probably made it a lot worse (which they even admitted, so honestly they have no clue how it might have been without any meds). But it is a personal decision, and it’s my choice – and it would have been nice to have even a little bit of support and encouragement – from anyone.