Well Thanksgiving itself went as well as could be expected, given that Kate had to nap in the car on the way there and back instead of her usual two hour in-the-crib nap. When we arrived at Mother-in-law’s Kate was very quiet and a little overwhelmed – her cousins were there already, people were cooking food and setting up the table, and Kate just wanted to be held by Den or I. She was in an okay mood, just a little clingier than usual. But by the time we sat down to eat she had woken up fully and realized she was indeed quiet hungry, and that girl put a dent in it! She ate everything, from turkey to stuffing (bread and meat types) to squash and mashed potatos. And she wanted more. Finally she announced she was “done” and “dow(n)”. She played quietly while we finished. Her cousins weren’t nearly so quiet, but they ate more than her! They love their food.

After the meal the kids were running around playing, Kate included. Much more outgoing and energetic than when we arrived! Though she did have issues with her cousins trying to play with her toys. She was getting really tired by the time we left, though not really showing it too much – just rubbing her eyes and getting a little whiny. She napped on the way to Father-in-law’s, then had a pretty decent evening there, too, with a few minor meltdowns at being bonked by random people as everyone was running around. Dallas won the football game, so at least Den was in a good mood when we left.

When we got home she seemed really excited to have all her toys to play with, as we hadn’t been home all day. But she was wired and refused to go to bed. I tried. And failed. At 11pm(!!) I finally had to put her in her crib and we went to bed. She was angry but after a while realized that she was indeed exhausted.

However yesterday – Friday – sucked. She slept until a decent hour, but it was just such a friggin bad day. She whined all. Day. Long. Non-stop. Oh, wait – except for when she stopped whining long enough to throw the biggest tantrums she’s had to date. Over stupid things, too – she wants to grab a picture off the shelf, no you can’t have that, tantrum. She wants to be picked up right-this-second except I’m trying to screw a shelf bracket in the wall, tantrum. Nap time she was clearly tired but again refusing to sleep, so I again had to put her in her crib and leave. She slept for 2 hours. Clearly tired. Maybe overtired? But when she woke up her mood was really no better for the rest of the day – in fact I think it got worse. Some whining is irritating. Hours upon hours of sobbing because I left the room and told her to stop climbing things made me want to throw my own hissy fit.

Part of it, I think, was because we were trying to take advantage of this long weekend and get the house cleaned out. I cleaned out a closet, organized the bathroom cupboard, cleared off my desk, installed a new shelf to put things on it, finally cleared off the dining room table. Meanwhile Den was clearing out our breezeway and cleaning out part of our kitchen…. a lot of stuff moved to storage or just chucked out. All of my stuff was within this one area, though, so it’s not like I was leaving Kate locked up somewhere, she was right beside me “helping” (and there were times when she was pretty funny and helping me sort things), but I wasn’t paying direct attention to her. Normally that’s not a big problem. Yesterday was not normal.

Today was ten times better… twenty. She had her moments of foot-stomping wailing, but she was generally in a good mood. I tried hard to pay a lot of attention to her and play games with her, it seemed to help a lot. I even was able to put up our new tree (without tantrums!). I wasn’t too terribly worried about Kate and the tree – all of my ornaments are non-breakable because of the cats anyways – but we have a serious space issue in this room. So I ended up getting a smaller tree today and setting it on the dining table. I miss the big tree, it’s so pretty, but I do kind of have to accept our space limitations here. I’m still concerned about the cats, though. One of my cats especially is obsessed with christmas trees. At least this one is too small for him to climb (I hope).

The good news is that Kate took a while in the dark to wind down at bedtime, I had to just lay there singing lullabies, but finally she crawled over to me and layed down on me. When I moved her to her crib (fully awake, but relaxed) she whimpered once and didn’t cry when I left! That’s a good step up from the last few days. I really need her to get a good night’s sleep.

I’ll tell you, though, if that’s what the terrible twos and threes are like all the time, well… it’s a good thing I’m already pregnant or I might be re-thinking the whole idea of adding another!

I kind of use my Facebook status updates as a log of Kate’s new things, and every couple of months I scroll all the way back through them and write important things into her calendar – when teeth arrived, new words, illnesses, etc. Sometimes though the status update just makes me giggle and I wanted to save a few. :)

::

“Hon, what did you do with your steak?” “It’s on my plate (duh).” “… I see an empty plate?” We both stared around the corner at, yes, the empty plate…. and saw, beneath the table, a cat eating steak.
October 7 at 5:54pm

From living room I hear Kate crying and crying. I hear Den consoling her to little effect. Then he says, “Did the kitty get you?” Crying stops. “Kitty? Kitty!” Apparently crisis is over.
October 16 at 5:24pm

The movie we were watching had a device that coalesced a new “Earth” from space matter. Me: “Only it would take a few million years to cool down.” Den: “That would be a pretty lame movie ending.” Me: “A few billion years later, the first prokaryote appeared.” Den: “THE END!”
October 17 at 2:04pm

Kate likes to turn her sippy cup upside down and bang it on her tray to make a terrific messy puddle. I turn around and see her doing it again, walk over, and take it out of her hands. She looks down, throws her hands in the air, and says, “OH!!!” as if just seeing the mess for the very first time. Cracked me the hell up!
October 18 at 3:48pm

Yesterday the xbox controller was blinking, meaning battery low/dead. I said so and went to take it in the kitchen to replace the batteries. Den took it from me and said to let him handle it. Later that evening I go to use the xbox and the controller is still blinking. WTF? I ask suspiciously, “Den did you put new batteries in?” “No. I never said I’d put new batteries in. I said I’d handle it. I got it working for an extra hour!” *facepalm*
October 23 at 8:31am

Kate is doing much better with bedtime already! I really had to think hard about what might be causing her bedtime fits – it wasn’t the same as previous ear infections or I would have assumed it was that. She wasn’t pain-screaming, she was angry-screaming…. and then it turned into anxiety-freaked-out-screaming. I don’t know how to describe it, I just can tell the difference. The angry tantrum I still want to play, come get me right now! screams just make me roll my eyes. But these bedtime ones were really starting to upset me, something was just different about them.

So I started laying down with her again. Not to sleep all night – pregnant mommy can’t handle that mattress anymore – but I lay down with her at bedtime and naptime, nurse her a little bit, then rock her in my arms a little bit. The first night I decided to try it she was doing her usual kicking and crying and panicking the minute I walked into her bedroom with the light out. She was freaked! As soon as I layed her on the futon instead of her crib she quieted and when I layed down with her she curled into my side and hugged me. So every night now she does that, she hugs me tight (as if afraid to let me go), and I sing her lullabies and rub her back. I can feel the tension ebb from her as she gets sleepy. When she’s almost asleep I put her in her crib and tip-toe out. The first two nights she woke up crying when I left but fell asleep shortly after – and it wasn’t her completely freaked out scream, she was just unhappy that I’d left. The last two nights she’s given a little whimper/mutter and then fallen asleep. Yay!!

So I still don’t know what caused it, though it coincided with being sick. She’s also having a mental leap right now so that probably contributed. But at least I’ve found a way to calm her down and get her to go to sleep, even if it’s an hour later than usual – I’ll take calm bedtime over screamy bedtime. And besides, it is kind of nice to hold and rock my little girl.

::

I constantly marvel at what a unique person she is. She’s very… girly. I’m not sure where she got that from other than simple biology, since I am not much of a girlie girl… I’m a tech geek who sometimes likes pink things. And don’t get me wrong, my kid loves her techie toys. But she wears bead necklaces and my shoes around the house. She’s also very dainty. She doesn’t destroy things or throw things. She’d rather take the crayons out of the (glass) jar they were in, then put them all back in one at a time. She likes to figure out how things work. She pulls my wallet (and everything else) out of my purse, only to pull my credit cards out of their slots and then put them back in. Then she leaves my pens and chapstick and nail clippers all in a neat pile.

She does like to yell, though. She’s recently really found her yelling voice, which she thinks is hilarious. (Most of the time it is. In restaurants not so much.) That mental leap I mentioned? Words. Suddenly mimicking everything we say, adding new words almost daily. Today she was repeating her friend’s name “Ellie!” for hours. She’s learning some letters (mostly vowels – she still can’t wrap her mouth around most consonants). She knows that a cat says “mao” and a sheep says “baa.” She’s added yet more signs to her repertoire, which is making it harder for me to figure out exactly what she’s saying, since her versions are only rough approximations of the actual sign. She says “up” for everything: up for up, down, why are you still holding me? Today in her highchair she said “up,” which I took to mean down, so I picked her up and put her down to which she responded by crying and trying to climb back into the highchair. I’m still not sure what she was trying to communicate to me.

She does have some little mini tantrums, usually when I close the door of a room or say she can’t have something anymore (like my phone). Today I closed her bedroom door and she just started screaming in frustration. I sat down at my computer and raised my eyebrow at Den. She walked into the living room and then just stood there screaming in what amounts, for her, to a pretty big tantrum (which in reality is very small, I know). I just sat there and watched for a minute but it was clear she wasn’t going to let it go without being acknowledged. So I got down on my knee and held out my arms. She walked over to me, laid her head on my chest, wrapped her arms around me, and let out one more wail of frustration. I patted her back and told her I was sorry she was upset. Then she lifted her head and walked off to play with a toy. That’s pretty much what all of her tantrums require: simple acknowledgement and a hug. Then she’s fine. She’s been having little crying fits when she trips or falls down in some manner – usually some very pathetic little thing that is just ridiculous, but she’ll lay there and wail as if she’s stuck until I crouch down next to her. I don’t necessarily pick her up or help her, I just… am there. And that’s enough.

It’s clear she’s a sensitive child just like I was (am). I think any form of discipline is going to have to be very careful and very calm and probably just expressing disappointment and explaining why. She gets upset at loud, raucous noise (like at parties), she gets upset at yelling. I remember growing up all my mom had to do was get angry and raise her voice and I’d burst into tears and hide.

::

The baby in my belly continues to be alive. I mostly feel better, only nauseated when I overeat or forget to eat. I think I’ve gained 5 or 6 lbs so far, which is the most of all my pregnancies for the first trimester, I think. Mostly due to needing to eat constantly and my frequently less-than-stellar choices.

I am 13 weeks and a few days so that puts me in my second trimester! Wow, that went fast. (Except the puking part, that went slow.) There is still a nice little exhale I feel as I cross over this imaginary boundary. Not “safe,” no – but safer, maybe. Less statistical chance of bad things.

Though I still don’t feel very attached. I think that’s somewhat common for subsequent pregnancies when you are busy occupying a child, and also for surprise pregnancies. It still just seems so far-fetched. I wake up in the morning thinking about diapers and appointments and exams and it’s not until Kate climbs on top of me, causing an “oomph!” that I remember, oh yeah, I have a small alien inside me. I hope at some point it sinks in.

Kate is making me a little crazy right now. Since getting sick last week she has been refusing to go to sleep without crying. At first it was just a pseudo-temper tantrum, and those I can ignore – it would only take 5 or 10 minutes before she’d give up and go to sleep. And she is still sleeping all night after that. But it’s getting progressively worse – now it’s like she’s having little panic attacks when we even walk towards the bedroom at night (or nap!). And the crying is no longer “don’t leave me here, I want to play!” it’s really upset crying. I’m at a loss. I can get her to fall asleep in my arms if I lay down with her, but I can’t get her in the crib without waking her up, and then she does the crying thing (but less, because she’s usually pretty tired). I could try leaving her on the mattress on the floor, but she hasn’t slept on that in months and months and I worry that will lead to her waking up and getting up to play in the middle of the night. I could try bringing her into our bed, but the dogs are so noisy they wake her up (as does Den in the morning) – plus I really need SOME down time. Ugh.She’s still a little stuffy but definitely on the upswing, not nearly as sick as she was. I am really really hoping that when she’s feeling 100% again that she’ll go back to liking her crib. :/

::

I am starting to feel MUCH better. At 10 weeks the nausea took a big step down, which was pretty major because that’s only 3 weeks of feeling seriously miserable. Then at 12 weeks I really started feeling more like my old self – more energy to keep up with the house, play with Kate, get schoolwork done. I even stopped needing a nap during the day. And I’m also noticing that I’m starting to just feel better about myself in general. My hair doesn’t feel as gross, my face did recently break out horribly but I think I’m getting it under control finally, and when I make an effort to get dressed nicely (jeans, fitted shirt to show the belly, necklace, makeup, hair blowdried) I’m actually feeling pretty good. This perks me up considerably. I don’t remember feeling that blah the last time. I was working when pregnant with Kate, and while sick and tired I just don’t think I was that gross feeling. I felt like this baby had sucked everything out of me and just left a deflated mess.

The belly is now clearly (in my opinion, at least) a baby belly. I could still hide it, if I chose to, with baggy sweatshirts, but everything else is showing the bump. And I’ve always been one to prefer fitted shirts to show that it really IS a bump instead of loose shirts where I just look pudgy. I do feel pretty huge for 12 weeks – of course that gets some “twins?!” comments, but I’ve already had two ultrasounds and we know there’s just one. It’s just that it’s my third pregnancy. And I thought I was showing early the last two times! Ha!

Baby remains very active. For being only 12 and a half weeks I feel it moving pretty much every day. And not even just when I’m laying down; once in a while I’ll feel a nudge when I’m at my computer, watching TV, or driving in the car – so when I’m sitting still for extended periods. When I’m laying in bed some nights I feel more than a poke or nudge, I feel what I can only describe as wiggles and rolls, and a bunch of pokes. Baby also sits higher than I would expect, but then Kate was down low pretty much the entire time sitting on my bladder. This baby has thankfully gotten off my poor overworked bladder. (Though I still often pee when I throw up, not that that’s the baby’s fault.)

I’m just so happy I’m close to the end of the first trimester already!

I do need to share more pictures of Kate! So here you go… pics from the past few weeks, 17 months old. :)

Today I let Kate play with our TV remote for a while, since she was just changing the channel – it’s not like she can accidentally purchase something like she did once with the xbox controller. At some point she wandered over to me at the computer and I put her in her highchair for us to eat lunch.

Afterward I couldn’t find the remote. I tore the living room apart for half an hour wondering what the hell she could possibly have done with it. I know she was in the living room, all doors and gates were closed so it couldn’t be elsewhere. Though I couldn’t recall if I took the remote from her when she came over, which means I could have stashed it anywhere, or if she had put it somewhere. And to add insult to injury, while I was looking I put down my dish of pears I was snacking on and couldn’t find that either. Sometimes pregnancy brain just sucks. Okay, a lot of the time it sucks. I can’t tell you how many times I put something down then turn around and can’t find it again without hunting all over the house.

Finally, after picking up every toy in the living room, pulling up every cushion and looking in every bin – which left pretty much no other options – I checked the printer again. I found the black remote stuffed down inside the fax feed. Oh, and my pears were on a shelf behind the xbox controller, right where I had left it.

::

Yesterday I had some homework to do so I quietly locked myself in the bedroom and left Kate playing with Den. This usually goes just fine until she sees or hears me, then a meltdown occurs. In any case she was happily playing with Den, he was reading her books and she was chatting at/with him in incomprehensible toddler-ese.

Den was watching football, as he does every Sunday. He was also getting rather heated at the TV, as he also does every Sunday. I heard some bad words and a lot of angry comments as he told off the refs and stupid plays. I then heard Kate whining and her babbling in a loud, intense voice. I thought his outbursts must have upset her and she was talking to Den to get his attention back.

Today he was mentioned the football game watching and told me that in fact she watched him yelling at the TV and then turned to the TV herself and started yelling at it in toddler-ese! He said it was funny in a humiliating, maybe I shouldn’t be doing that around her kind of way.

::

One thing I have been wondering about toys: why the hell do they put the volume control right on the front where the kid can see it? I understand, to a point, the on/off switch. Kate loves turning things on and off. But the volume? Why bother having a “low volume” setting if your kid insists on turning it up all the way? Kate has a LeapTop that she loves to play with, but I am forbidden from turning the volume down. I was trying to watch a TV show the other day and every time I turned her LeapTop down she’d turn it back up. I finally had to just pause until she finished playing with it. (Which took a while.) Then at a friend’s house we were trying to have a conversation while Kate was playing with a musical toy. My friend turned the volume down. I shook my head. “That’s not going to work.” Kate turned it up. My friend turned it down. Kate gave her a look, then turned it back up. So we ended up talking louder.

::

Why are kids menus at restaurants so lame? Kate will eat my fancy chicken salad or steak far more readily than she’ll eat a grilled cheese. I just don’t want to have to order a huge portion for her. And I’m glad to see that more restaurants are offering veggies or fruits on the side for kids – she LOVES her fruits and veggies! French fries? Well she likes them, but I’m not going to get them! (At least, not for her!) I usually end up just feeding her part of my meal and ordering some veggie side for her. Which does it for now, but soon she’s going to want more and I’m not going to want to share my meal. Well, plus I bring her fruit cup and yogurt. It keeps her happy, and that’s the important thing when eating out with a toddler!

I happen to live in western MA. We happened to have a snow storm last weekend. Now snow storms in new england are a pretty common deal, just flip on your 4 wheel drive, snowblow your driveway, and life continues as normal. Except it happens to be October when all the trees still have leaves. Snow storms just don’t happen in October. The result? Massive, unbelievable power outages. Ours went out Saturday afternoon (while I was baking a huge batch of zucchini bread, I was so pissed), and came back on Wednesday evening. We have never been out of power for that long, not even close to that long.

Saturday it started snowing and kept snowing heavy snow for hours. We had already lost power, at that point it was just an inconvenience. That night after the snow had pretty much stopped I layed in bed and listened as the trees fell. Every few minutes there was another crack… crack FFLUMP as another huge branch hit the ground. Thankfully we have no trees close enough to our house or vehicles to cause damage, though our wooden fence is smashed in a few places in the back of our yard.

I haven’t lived here all my life, but people who have say they have never seen anything like it. Our street alone had power lines down across the street in three places, with huge tree branches blocking half the street in several places – it was a single-lane zig-zag obstacle course. And it was like that everywhere. Huge trees have been de-limbed – huge, huge branches snapped like twigs under the weight of that snow on all the leaves. The day after the storm residents were out moving branches out of streets and clearing their yards. There are still a lot of dangling branches above and beside the roads, just waiting to fall. Tree crews are very busy along with the electrical repair crews.

So for 4 days we had no heat, no hot water, no stove, nothing but running water. The first day was just a little cold, but after that it sat at about 50 degrees in our house. I have never been so cold in my life. So I’ve spent the days driving around, shopping at the mall, visiting friends, and basically living out of the SUV. I had my big diaper bag packed with my toiletries, a change of clothes for Kate and I, food for her, and random other things. I had my phone with internet access on it, but of course the battery was run down when the power first went out. I started carrying my phone charger in my purse so I could plug in wherever I might be.

Kate of course didn’t really notice anything except the fact that the TV wasn’t on, and she was not at all happy about that. She kept yelling at me to turn it on. She did think that wearing her hat and mittens inside the house was pretty fun. She also seemed quite happy to be out often, spending time elsewhere – she had none of her bored whininess that she gets at home.

We slept two nights at home, trying to use a small generator to run a heater in Kate’s room. When she woke up and the generator had quit we brought her into bed with us. What a disaster that was. For a kid who coslept every night, all night, for the first 8+ months of her life she’s gotten pretty miserable to try to sleep with. She basically spent two hours running around our bedroom and flopping around on the bed. She finally fell asleep stretched along my leg like a cat and we decided we had to move her in case she rolled right off the bed at night… and moving her of course woke her up. So she and I spent a night at a friend’s house who at least had heat. She refused to go to sleep until 11pm when I put her in a mei tai and walked her around long enough for her to pass out, then she slept awkwardly in my arms on a large couch. She kept kicking and twitching and whimpering until I realized that she didn’t like being trapped in my arms (the way she used to sleep), she wanted to stretch out. Soon as I got up she slept just fine. Until 5am, that is, when she woke up, saw she wasn’t at home, and decided it was eat and play time. I did get her back down eventually, but my head was throbbing. So finally the last cold night we decided we couldn’t put her in the crib at all, so we all stayed up late and then piled all three of us into bed, fully dressed with many blankets. I brought her Violet puppy, I nursed her, I sung to her, and miracle of miracles she fell right asleep! Not only that, she stayed asleep. I had to get up to pee 3 times and she would only roll around a little bit between us, nurse more, and continue sleeping. She slept 11 hours!! 10am I woke up before she did and just layed here with my face in her hair (which tickles, by the way). I was also squished up against the side of the bed, as she had continued to encroach on my side all night!

Wednesday evening we came home from our friends’ house to find lights on! And heat when we walked in the door! I have never been so happy to feel warm, I jumped up and down and patted my appliances lovingly. We put Kate straight to bed in her crib, which went off without a hitch, but instead of being simply relieved to have my space in bed again I was rather disappointed to not get another good night with her snuggled up to us again. Obviously having alone time before bed is a big bonus, as is being able to read in bed and such, but still, I do miss her at night sometimes. I also really missed the sleeping in, as she was up at 7am. Ew.

As for me, everything is just fine. The nausea – which had gone way down after I hit 10 weeks – was bugging me pretty bad just because I wasn’t snacking constantly, and boy do I regret it when I let my stomach get empty. I haven’t really had any time or opportunity to lay still reading for an hour to see if I can feel some baby wiggles; sometimes I think I feel something, but with all the unhappy gurgling my stomach is doing I can’t say anything with certainty. But I’m just going on the assumption that everything is fine unless shown otherwise. (It’s kind of weird to be able to do that this time!) I’m hoping my nausea will be completely gone by Thanksgiving so I can eat to my heart’s content. Even if I get heartburn.

I’m very happy to have my internet back, but I have to say, when you lose your heat in really cold weather you really find different priorities! At least I had my phone to keep in touch with people or I really would have felt lost.

I am still sick. Sundays seem to be my “I never want to get out of bed again… except to heave over the toilet” day. I really dislike Sundays.

The last few days after I lay in bed with my book I get gas bubbles rumbling in my belly, and a few little pops down lower which I thought might be the baby. It’s just so hard to tell, and it would be just one or two little bubbles. Well this weekend I was laying propped up in bed with my laptop doing some homework while Kate took a nap and I felt something more than just a little pop. Felt like a little rolling and squirming, in fact. Made my queasiness go up a bunch, too. But then I stopped and said, wait, what was that?! And it happened again. That was NOT gas, that was most definitely the baby. Holy smokes!

I was only 9w5d that day, it seems so early for movement! Guess that means I don’t have an anterior placenta again, like I did with Kate. I still wasn’t expecting to feel anything before 12 weeks, but I guess being my third pregnancy and all… there are some benefits! It’s nice to know that it’s still alive in there… though my frequent heaving has been reassuring in that way, as well.

::

Kate is 17 months old! I look at her and think, holy smokes, she’s no baby. She looks like a little kid in so many ways now. Not to mention actions and mannerisms.

She’s started running, this crazy, wiggly toddler-run that cracks me up every time I see it. I need to get it on video. She also likes to put her arms behind her as she leans forward and walks around, it looks like she’s pretending to fly around with a cape behind her. I have no idea what she’s thinking when she does it, but she thinks it’s funny (probably because we laugh!). She’s also discovered how much fun it can be to turn in circles. Slowly round and round and round until she staggers around like a mini drunk. She loves it when I pick her up and spin her around in my arms, but then she most definitely will fall down trying to walk. Normally I lay her down and she just lays there for a few minutes, letting the world stop spinning around her.

She’s become very interested in what we are doing. The computer, of course, remains of utmost fascination, to the point where I can’t type if she’s around because she insists on sitting on my lap and “helping.” (She’s not much help.) She wants to see what we’re doing in the kitchen now, I’ve been holding her up while Den cooks dinner so she can watch. Today I got down on the floor with a bowl and made biscuits with her (the “just add water” kind – I didn’t get fancy or anything). She loved helping me stir and then scoop out the dough onto the tray. I turned on the oven light so she could see them in there baking. And when I pulled them out I called her over to look as I picked one up and broke it open. We both enjoyed sitting on the floor saying “Mmmm!” and eating it. :) Cleaning is a big one, too – while I’m wiping her and her highchair tray down she’ll grab the cloth and wipe the tray with it. It’s also very common for me to see the broom go walking by (tall handle swaying dangerously, smacking into everything in sight).

Last week we realized she was bored as hell with all the toys in the living room so we packed most of them up and put them downstairs. I brought out some others that were elsewhere, and bought a couple new ones. She is much happier now that there are less things, if that makes any sense! We really have only the basics now: blocks, nesting cups, xylophone, shopping cart, horse, tons of books, and a couple of little knick-knacks. Her favorite thing right now seems to be those cheap bead necklaces. She LOVES them. She wears them around the house all day and will put them on and take them off repeatedly. She also loves to drop them carefully into a bowl – apparently that is fascinating. The two things I bought for her I only bring out once in a while during the day: a LeapTop kids “laptop”, and a cash register. The laptop is pretty self-explanatory, of course she loves that! The cash register I hesitated on because it said ages 3+. But I had one as a kid and LOVED it and I know she loves buttons. She actually figured it out pretty quickly, and at least it holds her interest for longer than any of the simple toys once she’s figured it out. She really likes putting the coins in the top, pushing the buttons to drop them into different places, turning the handle to open the drawer. Plus as she gets older she can use it for pretend play.

Her love affair with books continues, though she has now moved on to lift-the-flap books. She’s liked them for a few months but has reached a point now where she’s stopped accidentally ripping the flaps out, so I can leave them out all the time. I try watching TV or reading or heck even napping while she’s flipping through the books, but she’s started leaning back against my chest and grunting “Eh?” impatiently at every page until I say the appropriate words. But she will go through the same book, front to back, over and over and over again. I get pretty tired of saying, “No, that’s the bear!”

In terms of speaking, she’s added one more word to her repertoire: “Up.” And she always says it quietly, with a very serious tone of voice; it’s a statement of intent, not a command or not a question. Other than that and the few words she has had for a while she doesn’t do a whole lot of talking. It’s still mostly dragging us around by the hand yelling, “EHHH!!!” when she wants something. Thankfully she has started nodding yes when I ask her if she wants this or that, which is extremely helpful. Her vocabulary with signs is much larger, though she only uses them when prompted. But she knows signs for a bunch of objects now, like shirt, shoes, socks, ball, fish, teddy bear, baby, orange, red (the other colors she can’t quite get her fingers to do right yet). She loves flipping through her picture books, doing the signs for each thing she sees. She’s also started pointing to things in the book when I ask her, “Where is the dog?” “Where is the ball?” Then she claps and clutches her hands under her chin with a big grin, so proud of herself. :)

It really is just amazing watching her learn. I’ve been all pregnant hormonal lately and getting all teary-eyed while I hug her, rub her back and tell her I love her as I put her down for bed. I just want to hold her forever sometimes… but then she gets heavy and I feel nauseated so I have to put her down and scamper out, lol. But man, this kid is EVERYTHING to me.

Yesterday was a day that ran just a little too long. Nausea and insomnia the night before had held me captive, not allowing for much sleep to be had. Kate was in a good mood all day, thankfully, but I was just too thin after a long day spent trying to occupy her and keep her happy. It was a day when I count down to bedtime. Three more hours. Two more hours. One. Bedtime! All I could think about was sagging into bed to read my book. Simple, but desperately needed.

And so of course fate should dictate that when I gratefully lowered Kate into her crib and left the room with a large sigh of relief a loud wail started. She doesn’t normally make any fuss at bedtime. I ignored it for a few minutes but shortly couldn’t do anything at all without my head aching with the very loud, unpleasant sound.

I went and got her up. Her face was red and tear-streaked. It took a while before she would let me put her down. When she was distracted by her dad and the tv I slunk away, leaving them to fend for themselves. I was just done and knew it.

I read my book in bed… for a brief while. My eyes closed. I fell asleep in the middle of a sentence. Just laid my head down and closed my eyes and couldn’t find within me the strength to open them again.

Den apparently fed her again and then put her back to bed, this time without complaint. He came to bed shortly after, quite surprised to find my face-first in my pillow, kindle next to my hand.

Now of course it is after midnight and I woke first having just to pee. But then the nausea settled in, worms squirming in my belly, gag reflex twitching helplessly. I may need to get up to eat something more substantial than crackers – not sure how else I am going to get any sleep. Or maybe I might get up to puke. Right now that seems a distinct possibility.

For a while now we have been waiting to hear from our reproductive lab, waiting to hear about storage charges for our one frozen embryo that was left over. We intended to use it first when we returned to the RE in December, and I was in no hurry to pay charges – I wasn’t sure exactly when we’d have to start paying.

So today we got the notice. We either have to choose to discard it, donate it, or pay storage fees. Except of course now we don’t have any plans to use it, with me being already pregnant. But at the same time we’re not completely 100% sure we’ll not want another, especially if something were to happen to this pregnancy.

I’ve been thinking a lot about it lately, about the future and the question of being done. It’s early still, but my gut feeling is that I’m done. I’ve not had this feeling before. When I was pregnant with Devin and with Kate I was absolutely certain it was not my last pregnancy, that I would have another one day (or at the very least want another, there being no guarantees in life). This time… this time I already have a toddler. I’ve been through pregnancy twice already. I’m sick again. I feel like three pregnancies is enough for me. Maybe I’ll regret that one day, maybe I’ll change my mind, but… I’m kind of looking forward to moving into the next stage. Now that Kate’s sleeping through the night and not breastfeeding much I was starting to feel like my old self – getting my sex drive back, my body shape back, my energy. Even hobbies outside holding a baby all day (which I loved, don’t get me wrong – but it doesn’t leave much time for scrapbooking, does it). Now I’m pregnant again and thinking, this isn’t so new and exciting anymore. It’ll be another 2 years before I get “my” body back. When I get there I really don’t think I want to go through this all again.

Not to mention two children in the house was our goal all along. Two is a good number, I think. They have each other. I have my hands full. I don’t really see myself having a third without growing another arm. Not to mention what we would do with this small ranch house – the kids will be sharing a room for a long time as it is. Where would we put a third?! We’d need a new car, and forget flying to visit my parents… it’s going to cost way too much as it is with two of them. I just feel like two is the right number for us here in our lives. And a part of me kind of looks forward to them getting a bit older and more self-sufficient so I don’t have to be at full attention all the time. Looking forward to finishing my second degree over the next few years and then someday *gasp* getting a job. A job that makes money. So we can do fun stuff like add on to the house. We have all these plans, and they are nice plans.

So that frozen embryo, I don’t think we’re going to need it. I certainly don’t think it’s worth paying a monthly fee to keep it on the off chance that we change our minds in the future, when for us insurance will cost us the same whether we do a FET or a fresh cycle. It’s not like getting rid of the embryo ends all our options.

The options then are to discard it, donate it to research, or donate it to another couple. Discarding it is definitely scratched off our list. We’ve donated immature eggs to research before and we are comfortable with that choice. But then there’s that last choice. Den said that it would be nice to know that it’ll be used, that it will give someone else a chance. But it’s kind of weird to think of the possibility that someone might have Kate’s biological sibling out there. Especially that particular embryo, coming from the same retrieval that gave us her. (Not that it changes the biological significance, but emotionally.) We’re pondering. We never expected to ever be in this situation.

What did you do with your leftover embryos? Did you use donated embryos?