I’ve been thinking a lot about time lately. This week marks 10 years since Den and I officially started dating, the first time I flew out to MA to see him. (We had met in person once prior, then developed a relationship online.) It’s also the year that I turn 30, and the year that I am having my third kid. Suddenly it is very noticeable that time has moved forward.

It’s kind of funny going back to college. In a lot of ways I still feel like that person I was before, that college kid – but I’m not. I look at the young kids sitting in my class around me and realize how little they know of life. And I would have hated someone saying that to me when I was in college. But they just have a look about them, sassy dress and attitude covering up their wide eyes and confusion. My belly gets a lot of glances when I look down the hall (either that or I keep getting toilet paper stuck to my shoe or something). I am the oddity. I don’t feel old, but at the same time I’m clearly different. I am a good student – a very good student, actually – but I also expect my instructors to understand that life is a lot bigger than school, than this one class. I do my best, and I am getting very good grades, but there are days when the babysitter is late or my kid is sick and I just might not make it to class that day. I remember the attitude some of the instructors had with us back during my first degree, and that would so not fly with me now. I am lucky so far that my instructors seem to get it.

Going back to school has also brought up a lot of questions in my mind about where I want to go in life. I am of course a mother and I love this job more than anything in the world, but being a mother was never the only goal I had in life. While they are little I fully intend to be here for them, being a stay at home mom was always my plan. But after they get older, then what? Go back to work… what work? I’ve always had this vague concept that I will have a career some day – not a job, but a real career – I just have never been too clear on what exactly that’s going to be. I’m still not. And it feels weird to be taking the first steps down this path not knowing where the heck it’s leading.

I seem to be sure about one thing, though: I want to do something important, and it will be in science. Maybe research. I’ve always been the girl who was fascinated by astronomy and physics and theories and discoveries. Combine that with my love of organizing minutiae and I think there are any number of areas that I would excel in. But not just that. I think I’m the kind of person who would excel in a lot of things. But doing research and being on the leading edge of science, that is something I would feel good doing.

I hope somehow I can make that happen.

A couple weeks ago I took Kate to our local Boys and Girls Club to go swimming in their pool. I knew from last year that their pool is not as warm as I would like it and the time of day for their swim is difficult for me to make it to on time (9:30am – Kate usually wakes up at 9), but I’ve really been feeling like I need to take her swimming at least a few times this winter, especially since this summer will be much more difficult with a newborn and toddler. So I went one morning. The water was indeed cold. I sucked in my breath… Kate shrieked. We didn’t really do much, I carried her around for a few minutes while she repeated “No! No! No!” and sobbed. I sat her on the edge so she could kick her legs in the water and that was acceptable to her – but she still would rather just run off somewhere. It was, needless to say, disappointing.

I know the YMCA has a warmer pool but I haven’t been a member there since I was pregnant with Kate. The membership fees are hefty – worth it if you’re going to take classes and use their equipment and go swimming all the time, but just to go swimming once or twice a month? I’m not paying $70 a month for that. A friend recently told me about a family swim night they are now doing, which is open to the community for a drop-in fee. I was so excited to hear that.

So this evening I decided to try it out. Den is out but I figure that’s just as well in case it’s another total failure.

When I carried her into the pool room her grip on my arm tightened considerably. I went down the steps into the water and she clung to my hip like a baby monkey. The water was most definitely much warmer – not quite “I’m in a bath” but at least warm enough that I wasn’t going to start shivering or anything. Kate was still very uneasy about this whole pool concept and she whined a few times. She didn’t like it when I moved around. There were other kids splashing and I think she was in overload for a little bit. They had a bunch of rubber duckies in the water so I distracted Kate with one (she kept shouting “DUCKIE!”). Then I sat her on the edge, which happens to have a lip and then a flat area in an inch or so of water, so she kicked her feet and splashed a bit. I think she slowly started realizing this was a lot like her fun baths.

It did take a while for her to relax, but I could feel the tension ebbing from her as time went on. She stopped grabbing me every time I moved, she started leaning away from me instead of into me, and she started talking. A lot. So I carried her around, I let her grab little balls and ducks and pool noodles. She started standing on the edge and counting (except instead of saying “One, two, three,” like I did she was garbling it a lot, sounded more like, “Da, go, TREE!”) and then I’d pick her up and swish her in the water. She thought that was fun, I kept doing it, dipping her a little further in each time.

Then she discovered the steps. She LOVES steps into pools. This time she wasn’t climbing out though, she was climbing in. I’d put her on the side of the pool and she’d walk over to the stairs, take my hands, walk down two steps and then “jump” in. She got pretty mad when I tried moving away from the stairs, she was really obsessed for a while. But every time she did it she got bolder. After a while she was holding my hands while jumping in but not scrambling to grab my body after she was in. I started holding her under the armpits and “swimming” her. She was doing really well on her belly, even kicking her legs a tiny bit when I encouraged her to. The more surprising part to me was when she started just hanging and drifting, letting her feet float to the surface in front of her as she leaned backwards. Then she’d shift upright and lean forward again. I think she was experimenting with her buoyancy and movement in the water. I was just holding her up, not directing her. A few times when I took her to the stairs she put her hands on one of the stairs and let her entire body float to the surface – without me holding her at all! She did get her chin wet, even got water in her mouth a few times. Once she slipped a little while climbing out and I’m pretty sure her face went in but there wasn’t a peep from her so I didn’t react at all.

I was really just so excited watching her – I find it’s hard not to grin idiotically the whole time. I was just so proud of her! She and I were having a great time, laughing and saying “Yaayyyy!” She talked a lot, actually – very loudly, in fact. She was yelling things like “Seat! Seat!!” when she wanted to sit on the edge, and “Ducky!!” and “Ball!” and “Yibber yibber go!!!” and other random nonsense just out of sheer excitement apparently. (People around me were giggling at my little chatterbox.)

After an hour and a half, at 8:00pm, I finally decided we had to go! Kate still wasn’t showing any signs of getting bored or tired of swimming. She did leave with me without complaint and happily walked right into the showers. She loves showers, she stands right underneath the spray. I got her out of that and into a changing room – I was very thankful they had nice family rooms with locking doors so no kid can go escaping naked down the hallway (yes, that happened last time!). Unfortunately Kate was not a fan of the wet tile floor. She was scrunching up her toes and crying, “Wet! Wet!” and then almost falling over because she was trying to pick her feet up off the ground. I had to sit her on a towel on the bench while I dressed quickly.

I really hope they continue to have these family swim nights!

In lieu of blacking out my blog – considering that wouldn’t really accomplish much, not many people would notice – I’m just going to post some links for info.

This really is a major issue. SOPA started out as a good(ish?) idea and a lot of major internet companies supported it. But as happens with government the bill was changed and re-written to a point where what it is now would affect almost everything on the internet. Especially blogs and other interactive communities. It hands the power of censorship to companies – they can decide what violates their copyright and gives them the right under law to submit requests to hosting providers to shut down sites – and the hosting provider must comply within 5 days. The bill also includes DNS blocking, which is the same censorship method used in countries like China. That’s some scary shit there.

Wikipedia (who is blacked out today): https://wikimediafoundation.org/wiki/SOPA/Blackoutpage Click on the “Learn More” for info and enter your zip for your reps info to contact them.

SOPA Infographic: http://americancensorship.org/infographic.html

A post about how these bills would affect you: http://www.1stwebdesigner.com/design/how-sopa-pipa-can-affect-you/

The Day The LOLcats Died (video): http://icanhascheezburger.com/2012/01/18/funny-pictures-videos-the-day-the-lolcats-died-pipa-sopa/

Courtesy of the Oatmeal:

I really urge everyone to do more than think about it, please call your reps today. This bill really cannot pass.

Well something is still up with Kate, and since her nose has stopped running and her mood has gotten worse I can only assume it’s those canines coming in. Sleep has been hit or miss around here; two nights ago she slept 13 hours straight, then last night she was up and crying at 5am. We took an early “nap” (that I can only describe as a continuation of the sleep we should have been getting anyways) and then her normal afternoon nap, but she just wasn’t right all day. Very whiny, very demanding. She wants to watch Elmo. NO! WHY! I put on Super Why. NO! NO! ELMO! [insert tantrum] I tried engaging her and playing with her but she just kept randomly get frustrated and/or burst into tears. I’d try to give her a hug and she’d push me away. And so went the day.

Yesterday while making dinner I realized I was out of one ingredient so I had to run to the grocery store quickly. Since it was just for a couple things I put Kate in a normal cart like a normal baby. She was whiny but manageable – until she started standing up and trying to climb out. I had her buckled in, and she can still easily stand up. So she cried while I held onto her thighs and grit my teeth and ran for the cash register. She was fine, though. Until… she saw the car cart on the way out the door. She saw them, she pointed and said, “Car! Car!” And then she commenced yelling and crying as I carried her out the door.

Today we went real grocery shopping so I went straight for the car cart. She was very excited, climbed right in! She had fun! … For about 15 minutes. Then she got restless, which means she got pissed at being strapped in, and then somehow she twisted around and got her fingers stuck in the shopping cart bars. When I got her un-stuck and back into the car properly she really started yelling. She was just done. And so was I, by that point!

I know some of it is just the age, she’s clearly been trying to assert her own decisions lately, her own demands. But this? This degree of melty-ness is not normal for my child. I had to get some work done this evening, so I locked myself in the bedroom (with earphones on and music turned up) while Den chased her around the house and played with her. An hour and a half later my very frazzled looking husband opens the door and says he needs a quick 5-minute break, she’s been whining non-stop. Yep. Welcome to my day.

On the good side of things when I came out of the room she looked at me, smiled, and said, “Mama!” Awwwwww. Now that almost makes up for the day. (But I still hope tomorrow is better.)

::

I’m starting to think this baby is making me sensitive to dairy. The nausea comes and goes (mostly in the mornings, no surprise there). The heartburn has gone away since I stopped the cereal before bed.

But the other night I was feeling hungry. In the evening – not right before bed, but in the hours preceding – I had a bowl of cereal and then a cup of ice cream. I never eat ice cream, but I just felt like a treat. When I layed down that night I was reading and feeling a little gaggy, but just trying to ignore it. When I turned off the lights and got settled in my blankets I started feeling worse. A lot worse. Like I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to keep that down. I ended up sitting by the toilet for a while, gagging, and then throwing every single bit of ice cream and cereal back up again. It was horrible. I haven’t thrown up a meal like that in quite a long time.

Well, I certainly won’t be eating ice cream again for a while. And definitely not before bed!

::

Today Ember had a nice dance party in there while I was trying to get some work done (on my laptop reclined in bed). I lifted up my shirt and saw my belly jumping! She’s getting more active in general, and seems to keep going even when I’m trying to watch or feel her. It’s really weird to think about how big she is now, that soon I’ll be feeling body parts when I feel around. I still so clearly remember feeling Kate’s heel all the time, watching it glide back and forth across my belly.

Pregnancy is still so very fascinating to me. Even though it’s still hard to comprehend. I have a baby growing in me? I look at Kate and think, I made her? She came out of me and was tiny once? Now I have this large independent creature running around and talking to me (or at me). It’s such a bizarre thing. Does anyone really get used to that concept, I wonder?

At a potluck dinner tonight Kate challenged Den for who ate more. And she ate a bit of everything: a bunch of meatballs, macaroni, bread, chicken, rice and beans. (I of course out-ate them both. I was pregnant and hungry.)

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Why the hell is the “Journey to Ernie” song stuck in my head?

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I learned the hard way to always pick Kate’s cash register coins up off the floor every night before going to bed. If I don’t the cat plays floor hockey with them all night, slamming them into our doors. I’m sure HE finds that very fun. Me, not so much.

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Kate is such a drama queen when she’s sick. At this point when she starts kicking and crying at bedtime I just want to roll my eyes and say, “Seriously, you just have a runny nose. You are fine. Go to sleep!” Every single runny nose she gets causes this.

Which reminds me, I need to remember to have Den change her crib sheets tomorrow. I can no longer reach without squashing my belly.

::

The problem with Kate and I sleeping in after being up late? Insomnia the next night. I am wide awake. At midnight. This is not good.

One of the reasons I suspected this might actually be a girl baby is my ridiculous craving for junk food. I tried rationalizing it, saying to myself that even if I craved salads and veggies with Devin and chocolate with Kate, that’s not exactly scientific evidence or anything. And besides, I’m not necessarily craving chocolate, but chips and cookies and stuff. Well now we know it’s a girl and I can deny it no longer: I have been eating total crap. It’s not the meals so much as the constant snacking. At first I just had to get something in me, I didn’t care what it was – usually crackers or toast. And that’s fine. But yeah, the christmas cookies, chocolates, salt and vinegar chips (that are oh so SO good)? That’s just me being greedy. Well at 20 weeks pregnant I have gained roughly 15lbs, which is more than either of my other two pregnancies and more than I want. Note it’s not the weight itself that bugs me, but the fact that I know it’s because of my crap diet. Something has to change.

Now that Christmas is over and I have eaten my favorite goodies I have stuffed the chocolate into my not-so-secret drawer (but it’s out of sight, and that’s the important part). The leftovers of my own christmas baking (various chocolates, mostly), which I kept staring at every damn time I opened the fridge, I set in a pile last night and wrote Den a note that he would see before work: Please take these! I bought a whole roasted chicken from the grocery store that I can make chicken sandwiches from; I hard-boiled some eggs; I bought wheat bread and english muffins for Kate and I to have with breakfast and lunch. The hardest part, to me, is the lack of good fresh fruit in the winter – that’s my go-to healthy snacks. Oh there is some in the grocery store, but the quality is…. not very high. I do have some apples and grapes, but the pears and peaches and strawberries are pretty much in the “not until spring/summer” category.

I am starving. And twitchy. I crave those chocolates and potato chips like a bugger. It’s so hard when I get used to eating them, because I want them. I know from past experience that once I go a while without eating them I’ll stop craving them and won’t even like the taste of them that much. But getting off it is hard! I’m glad this is pretty much my worst addiction (barring the internet, but we won’t go there).

And I have apparently hit another must continuously eat stage, as well. It’s driving me a little bonkers.

::

I was going to finish this post last night but *someone* wouldn’t go to bed. She’s stuffed up again – I feel like the cold she had before Christmas never went completely away, now it’s back again. Just a stuffy, runny nose, so she’s fine otherwise, and she’s been sleeping at night and naps without much trouble. But last night she threw a fit at me! I layed her in her crib and she immediately started with the hysterics. I’d get her up, turn on the TV, try again in a little bit. She kept acting like she wasn’t tired at all and would start crying and kicking her legs whenever I carried her towards the bedroom. Ug! I finally got her to fall asleep just after midnight – not peacefully, she still didn’t want to but she was tired by then. Of course it happens on an evening Den is out, too.

Thankfully between her and the dogs they all slept until 10am! That never happens (especially the dogs). I looked at the clock when Kate woke up and said, “Holy crap!”

::

Kate’s new favorite word seems to be “cheewios”. She asks for them and when I bring out the box she shouts “CHEEWIOS!!” It’s too funny. Unfortunately we have had a few incidents the last few days of her dumping her bowl of cheerios all over the floor – thank goodness we have dogs.

She also asks for “Ehmo!” (Elmo), as I mentioned before, and now “Why” (Super Why). Which actually was very useful last night when she was up for hours past her bedtime and I just needed time to decompress, I put on TV and she zoned out in her chair holding her puppy watching her shows.

I’m really thankful that we have these means of communication with her, it definitely cuts down on frustration (her and ours) and any random shrieking and pointing. Although she’s started to come up with new words – and sometimes new signs – and then gets upset we don’t know what she wants. The other day she followed me into the kitchen and kept pointing at the counter saying what sounded like “Hot,” which makes zero sense. But she was insistent! And when I told her I had no idea what she wanted she melted down into tears. I picked her up and she reached for the sink faucet, so I think she wanted the water? No idea where she got that one from, unless I warned her once in the bathroom that it was hot, don’t touch.

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As for me, I’m doing fine. I’m trying to be careful of what I eat right before bed. I cut out milk (and cereal, since that was my go-to snack) and the heartburn seems much much better. The nausea seems to be making a comeback, however, which makes me cranky. It’s not anything like what it was, but I’ll just be watching TV with Kate and then have to run for the toilet. As an added bonus, Ember is sitting on my blader constantly so now I pee all over myself when I throw up. I keep some cloth diaper prefolds in the bathroom now to stuff between my legs. Glamorous! (The Nausea with Devin persisted past 20 weeks too, so this isn’t unprecedented… just annoying.)

Ember is wicked active! Den got to feel her for the first time two days ago, she kept kicking and didn’t stop when he put his hand there. Every night when I lay in bed she just kicks and kicks. It’s as if she’s saying, “Yeah, big sister is in bed and mommy’s resting! MY TURN!” It always brings a smile to my face to feel her wiggle and kick in there.

I’m definitely adjusting to the idea of raising two little girls. There are certainly a lot of benefits – though I am definitely not thinking about the teenaged years. (La la la, can’t hear you!) I hope they grow up to be good friends and stay close. It’s certainly going to be a different family dynamic (from what I pictured… and from what it would have been if Devin were here).

It’s kind of funny how you just adapt to your child. I was a little sad when I found out Kate was a girl, too, but now… well now our lives just seem so perfect with her in it and I can’t imagine not having her. I couldn’t picture ever having a toddler either, and now I do and she’s still… Kate. Watching your own child grow is just such an amazing experience.

This entire week Kate has woken up at 7am. This doesn’t sound like a problem to most people, but she always woke between 8 and 9, and she doesn’t go to bed until 9pm. So she’s been taking early naps and getting tired early and I’m dragging my ass. I dislike 7am. And don’t talk to me about the 6:30am she pulled yesterday (after I stayed up until 1am – stupid!). I’m torn between putting her to bed earlier (which raises the probability that she’ll keep this new 7am wake time) and trying to keep her up to her normal time in the hopes that she goes back to normal.

Plus last night she woke up at 11pm crying (dogs woke her up while we were watching a movie) and she was running around for 2 hours. Even then when I said, “ENOUGH! Bed!!” she still cried and pushed at me and fought it. Thankfully she did pass out pretty quickly, but this morning she was up again at 7am and is clearly tired. Kid, here’s a hint…. if you’re tired, SLEEP!

It’s new years eve, which is super fun because while we had no intention of staying out until midnight with the child we are going out for dinner at a friend’s and now I am having visions of her melting down while there so we have to come home. Though she could always hit a second wind and run around like a crazy person. I hope she gets a good nap in today.

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One of the little things Kate got for Christmas was a piggy bank. Actually she got two: one ceramic, one plastic. The ceramic one is adorable and matches her room perfectly. The plastic one, however, has become a good friend of hers. She takes him off her toy shelf and says, “Pig!!” I got an idea the other night so I ran off to grab all the coins from my purse and put them in a pile next to Kate and the pig. We then spent a good half an hour feeding coins into piggy. Clearly it’s not something I can just let her play with on her own, it’s a supervised-only activity, but she totally loves it! It keeps her very occupied. :) I told Den to give me all his coins he gets, so hopefully soon we’ll have enough to roll some and deposit them into her savings account. I need to take another trip to the bank (where I worked) anyways, so they can see her.

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Pics from Christmas!

My ultrasound is 2 days away. I’m excited, but anxious too. At least the baby is kicking me quite regularly so I don’t have to worry that it’s dead… but I still worry that they’ll find something wrong.

I’m starting to prepare myself for the reality that this may not be a boy. We’re pretty sure this is our last kid, for many different reasons. Having two in our home was always what we envisioned, and there is a long list of reasons that we feel two [living] kids is a good number for us. It just feels right.

But. This may not be a boy. I wouldn’t be upset about the fact that it’s a girl – Kate is fantastic and it’s hard to argue with that. Girls are wonderful. I would love her just the same, that’s not the issue. But… Devin. How am I going to give away those boy clothes in my basement without ever having used them? How am I going to adjust to peoples’ comments and well-intended (but missing the mark) jokes about having all girls?

A boy would heal some wounds – certainly not all, but some. It would be a relief. It would be scary it its own right, carrying another boy, but still.

What we really want is closure. And we’re not sure we’ll get that with another little girl. Maybe we’ll always wonder if we should try again one more time. If this is a boy then we know we are done and it would be a huge relief.

As for gut feelings… well in the beginning I thought this was a boy. Now I think it could be a girl. I’ve never been this unsure before… with both Devin and Kate I was very positive I knew who was in there. This little one is a mystery to me.

I am really looking forward to finding out who it is, though. I’m still feeling quite disconnected from this pregnancy, whether it’s from having an older child to care for this time or still dealing with the shock of actually being pregnant, I really haven’t felt all that emotionally connected yet. I think being able to know who it is, to name it (though we have no name picked for a girl), will really change that. I hope so, at least.

Soon!

I am a writer. I am. It comes easy to me, the words flowing out. I’ve done it for many years. I get a lot of positive comments about it.

So why the hell does my head hurt so much when I’m trying to write a lab report for my bio class? It feels like I’m trying to squish my brain through a funnel. A very, very small funnel. Like one word drops out at a time on the other side, hard-fought and hard-won. And then I realize… it’s the wrong word.

The exam, not worried about that at all. Concepts and understanding, no problems. Hell even essays aren’t too bad. But for some reason these reports are just torturous.

Oh, did I mention it’s a group project? A group report. With three people. The other two sadly have a lot of other classes they are stressing out over. One seems to not read her email at all. Which really sucks, since we’re supposed to be figuring this all out by email. And pulling together a cohesive report. By Tuesday.

It will all be over on Tuesday. Maybe then I’ll be able to sleep. Last night sucked, all hyped up on adrenaline, brain continuously nagging at sciency-report thoughts even when I sternly told it to shut up and go to sleep. Tonight is not looking much better.

Damnit.