Kate was wide awake and definitely NOT tired. She kicked me and wiggled and whined when I layed down with her. Not like her at all. I fed her, changed her, and still she was smiling and cooing at me. Cute, but arg. I ended up sitting up in bed with her sitting between my legs. She played with a toy with all the seriousness a 2-month old can muster while I surfed the web on my phone.

Then we heard it. The diaper being filled. Den changed her. She smiled at us, whined a bit, I gave her a soother and rocked her. Out for the night. She’s now tucked into bed at my side.

No wonder she couldn’t sleep earlier.

::

Kate being asleep for the night does not mean that I can wander off to watch TV, use my laptop, or eat food. I can’t even snuggle my husband. I am now stuck here, laying on my side next to Katherine until she wakes up. As much as I love her sleeping nestled against me - and I do - I wish I could sneak away for a little bit.

At times over the past few weeks I have wondered if I am doing something wrong. Most other babies are sleeping somewhere by themselves by now: napping in a swing, sleeping in a pack’n'play or cosleeper. Kate has reversed; she was taking day naps in her pack’n'play and would sleep some in her swing. Now she wants nothing to do with either. She used to sleep pretty deeply but has slowly shifted into a light sleeper. No matter how gently I attempt to put her down she immediately rouses. Sometimes, if she’s in a nice deep sleep, it takes her a minute or two. Usually her eyes crack open accusingly while I’l
M trying to put her down. A couple weeks ago I could put her down on her belly when tired and she’d fall asleep. Now she dozes and fusses restlessly, as if she’s either unable or unwilling to give in to sleep.

I remind myself that this is just a phase, that she needs me right now and too soon I won’t get the privilege of these snuggles. But I just keep wondering, is it her, or is it something I’m doing? Not that the answer really matters. It is what it is. I continue to try to simply have faith in her, that she will know when she is ready.

The interesting side of sleeping with her is that I actually appreciate the fact that she still wakes every 3 hours; it gives me the opportunity to stretch and roll to my other side! There are some nights I wake before she does, hip aching, waiting for her to wake up.

But then nothing beats opening my eyes in the morning to see her smiling face first.

Listening to Den talking to Katherine is absolutely hysterical. “This little piggy was at home. This little piggy was… well, we don’t know where that piggy was. This little piggy has a personality disorder. And I’m not making aaannnyyyy sense, but I’m talking to a baby here, so who cares.”

He’s trying to occupy her in that horrible half an hour before she finally falls asleep for bed. She’s tired, but not falling asleep, she’s whining. “Waaahhh. Waaahhhhh. Ah! Ah!” Which is made even funnier by the fact that in between her little whines she’s smiling at him, then makes a sad face, then dissolves again. Poor little punkin is tired!

::

I took Kate in the bath for some tubby time today, I needed to get her washed up. I try to do her bath in the afternoon when she’s awake and not too fussy. So we hopped in, I swooshed her around and cooed at her a little. I soap her up and rinse her off quickly, and I try to make it sound and feel fun, like a massage. I get that done first so that if she starts getting fed up during playtime I can make a quick exit - I’ve learned with her not to push her once she’s reached her limit. Once she’s clean I just hold her in the water and let her experience it. Previously she just floated (with my help, of course), smiled at me and looked around. Today she wanted to “sit” between my legs, with one of my hands supporting her under her bum, my other hand around her chest so she couldn’t flop forward. She leaned back against my chest and let her legs float up to the surface. I watched her as she moved her feet around, feeling the water. She seemed mesmerized. Then she gave a big heave and kicked out hard. SPLASH! went her legs. Oh did she get excited! She kept doing it over and over, freezing and staring after each one. She stayed in the water longer than ever before - which was probably only about 10 minutes or so, but that’s at the edge of her attention span for one single activity. I really need to get some pictures and video of her in the tub, but I guess that would mean I’d have to wear a bathing suit!

Speaking of bathing suits, I wanted to buy one for Kate but I’m not sure it’s worth it for August. And I don’t even know what size to buy - she has a small bum! But I’m itching to take her in a pool and see how she does. (We know someone with a heated salt water pool. It’s lovely!!) I plan to start swim lessons with her at the Y, they start at 6 months old so that would mean Dec/Jan would be when she’d start, and I’m not sure she’ll be the same size then as she is now.

::

Also on the topic of shopping, I am having a diaper bag crisis. I had purchased the JuJuBe BeTween. When I got it I had some doubts about the size but tried using it anyways. I loved so much about it, especially the bungee keychain. I love the fabric inside, I love the pockets, I love the mommy pocket. But it was quickly clear that I am an overpacker and it is just too small for anything but quick trips - and with a newborn there’s no such thing as a quick trip. The cloth diapers take up a lot more room than disposables do, plus I like to carry my nursing cover and mai tei carrier with me. I was carrying those items separately, then realized what an idiotic idea it was for me to carry two bags with me everywhere.

I decided I’d try to sell that lovely bag, seeing how it’s barely been used. Then that same day I found a big stain on the front. WTF, how the hell did that happen? Selling or keeping, I am pissed! And it won’t come off! I have absolutely no idea what it’s from. So now I can’t sell it, which means I can’t buy a replacement. So I have a $100 bag sitting in the corner of the room, unused, and I’m using an ugly black backpack. I do not like the backpack. It’s just this big black cavern inside, I’m always fishing around in it. I also can’t use the zippers one-handed, which is a huge problem. I’ve decided what I need size-wise is a big tote, like the BeSpicy. Pockets inside, bright pretty colors, zippered top (but you don’t have to zipper it to keep everything in), and plenty big. But of course I can’t afford another expensive diaper bag. Pissy. If anyone has any ideas for a less-expensive alternative, I’m all ears.

In the past I attended 2 of the Resolve annual conferences in NYC, but I knew there was a more local conference in MA - I just couldn’t go to both. This year I am not feeling ambitious enough to go to NYC so my plan is to hit the MA conference. Last night I was bored with a baby asleep on my chest (meaning I couldn’t go do anything more useful, such as eating or cleaning) so I was cleaning up my calendar for the year. I looked up the conference info for Resolve of the Bay State and scrolled down their page to make note of the time and place. There’s someone’s picture on the page and before I even scrolled down I thought, that looks kinda like Mel, haha. Then I read what it said: “Our Keynote Speaker, 2010: Melissa Ford.” OMG! It IS Mel! Aaahhhh! So not only do I get to go to a kick-ass conference in November but I get to meet the totally kick-ass Mel in the process. Anyone else in MA should put it on their calender, too!

Den and I have been discussing when we are going to return to the RE and how we are going to manage it. We have one frozen embryo from the cycle that created Katherine, but I won’t bank on that one being all we need. Right now our hope is to return to the RE in 2012, when Kate is a year and a half old. I’m pretty sure she’ll have to be weaned before we cycle again, and I absolutely won’t wean her before a year. Plus I’d really like to give her all of my attention for a while. We do want to give her a sibling, but I admit there are times when I wonder if we shouldn’t just stop here and just let it all be about her. I’m obviously not ready to split my attention yet.

Doing IVF again is going to be very different than all the times before. We have Kate - no matter what, we have Kate. There isn’t a black hole we are trying to fill, a blackness trying to swallow us whole.

It’s still hard, though, hearing others talk about having more children. Other moms talk about when they’ll try for another and if they want more - they don’t talk about how they’ll afford to and if it doesn’t work. They don’t have to consider childcare during surgeries and the emotional toll it takes. No, most people talk about accidents or getting pregnant as soon as they decide to. Even though I’m on the other side, I’m a mommy now, I’ll never be able to join in on those conversations. It’s one of the many little reminders.

Having a child really is everything I expected it to be, and more. When going through treatments and losses and the absolute mental hell it’s hard to really know that it will all be worth it in the end. I mean if you’ve never had something how can you possibly be sure that it’s what you want? Something inside you says that it is, so you just push forward and trust that gut feeling. It’s a relief - a wonderful, beautiful, miraculous relief - to know that you were right.

I remember my freak-out of the first week at the thought that she’d get bigger and change; I loved her exactly how she was at that moment. My friends, you were right: it gets better.

She’s started smiling not just because someone is smiling at her, but in recognition. Sometimes when she wakes up from a nap she opens her eyes, yawns, then gazes up into my face and gives me the sweetest little coy smile. Then she starts talking to me in a soft, content little voice. You can just see how happy she is to wake up in mama’s arms, how safe and secure she feels. It utterly melts my heart.

I frequently watch her as she nurses. She’s a fidgeter, arm swinging front and back, legs licking. As she relaxes and drifts off to sleep she settles into her favorite position with her arm extended over her head, resting on my chest. I adore her baby proportions, her extended arms barely reaching over her head. So disproportionate, yet somehow just right for a human baby. She starts with her hand clenched in a fist, grabbing at my breast and shirt, but it slowly releases. She likes to sleep with my shirt held in her hand. I tell Den that at night I feel like a mama cat, laying on her side feeding her kitten, especially when she kneads and nuzzles my breast.

Babies are truly little miracles. I think often about what we went through to create her, how she exists through the wonders of science, created in a little dish in a lab. I think too about the embryo we have frozen, created at the same time as Kate was. Maybe someday that one will become a baby too. We plan to try, at least. Not for a while yet - I am want time to exist just with Kate. But someday.

::

Yesterday was Kate’s 2 month appointment with the doctor. She’s growing well but it definitely going to stay a little peanut, she’s in the 20th percentile of weight and around the same with height. She weighs in at 9lb 9oz. Though to me she feels so big, compared to what she used to be… Until I see another 2 month old, then she looks tiny!

Unfortunately the 2 month appointment means shots. I spent some time over the past month researching the different vaccines they get in the first year. What I finally settled on was doing them all, but spaced out more. So yesterday she got only two shots, she’ll get the next two at 3 months old (though they don’t typically have an appointment at 3 months, so we’ll have to pay a co-pay since it’s not a well child visit).

I don’t think the shots would have been as stressful if she hadn’t already been ticked off and very tired from too-short naps that morning. She had been remarkably patient with being undressed, weighed, examined. But after a while she decided she’d had enough and started crying. We only barely got her calm when the nurse came in with the vaccines. She didn’t just cry, she turned bright red and screamed. Holy moly was she pissed off, nearly inconsolable.

After we got home she slept and cried. She was exhausted and developed a mild fever. She’d sleep for a little while then wake up crying strongly. I ended up laying on the bed nursing her to sleep, as that seems to be a position she feels very comforted in. I rubbed her back and whispered to her and ended up sleeping a few hours with her because I didn’t want to move and disturb her. She woke up crying again. After a few more restless naps in the evening the fever lifted a little and and started feeling better, smiling at us again and cooing. I was relieved she only had one half-day of feeling ill.

Katherine was showing her personality again yesterday. She nurses frequently, and if she’s being fussy and doesn’t seem to want anything then I’ll just put her on the boob. She’ll eat for only a few minutes before having her fill, at which point she pulls back, smacks her lips, looks around, and then screeches. That’s her signal that she’s done, pick her up now (now!).

She doesn’t usually do that in bed while nursing, because usually she just snuggles up close and falls asleep when she’s done. Except last night apparently she wasn’t done, she was just done with that side. So we’re laying there nursing, Den’s getting ready to lay down, and suddenly Kate starts rooting, latching and unlatching. Then she opened her mouth wide and said, “Wa…. RAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!” I mean she screeched at the top of her little lungs. Den and I both froze and looked at each other, then bust out laughing. Meanwhile Kate’s still going, “RAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAA!” while shaking her head back and forth so her mouth ricochets off my nipple back and forth. It was very clearly a scream of rage. I pick her up, roll us over to the other side, and she latches right on and peacefully goes about her business nursing.

Den just sighed and said, “You’re my kid, aren’t you.”

::

I do think she’ll become more content when she can affect the world around her without help. She hates laying down for any length of time so she’s not showing any inclination to roll, but she loves to be held in a sitting position so she can look at and play with her toys, or even just look around the room. And she’s happy to sit there for even half an hour sometimes, watching the windows, the lights, whatever. Yesterday Den sat in front of her and made faces and talked to her, which delighted her, she was all smiles and attempted giggles (she still does a little fake cough thing which I am certain is her trying to laugh - it just comes out like a choke cough hiccup thing, lol!).

That favorite toy of hers is still one of her main obsessions and you can see the intense concentration on her face as she tries to figure it out. She managed to (accidentally) get her fingers on one of the rings and gave it a tug, so now she tries very hard to do it again. She’s somewhat successful some of the time.

In the past few days she also noticed that she has feet, I found her staring down at them while I held her in a sitting position. She flexed her little toys and just gazed silently, motionlessly. I could almost see the little “busy processing” cursor above her head, ha.

Unbeknownst to me we have ended up with a high-maintenance baby. Which is kind of funny because if you’d have asked me a week ago I would have shrugged and said she’s not easiest baby, but she’s certainly not the hardest. She isn’t colicky - there aren’t hours of screaming. She sleeps well at night as long as I sleep with her. She’s healthy, other than some gas. She sleeps easily and well enough.

But the thing is, she’s very very picky. I hear of others talking about their babies happily sleeping in their carseat or bouncer, of playtime and tummy time spent delighting on the playmat. I hear of babies now going 3-4 hours between feeds and sleeping 8 hours in a stretch at night happily swaddled. Ha ha. Ha.

She does a lot of screaming, and we really thought it was gas. We dutifully give her many doses of mylicon every day in the hopes that it will help. But the thing I’ve noticed is that the screaming is both random and quickly quelled by picking her up, giving her her pacifier, and shushing her - or, failing that, nursing her. She’ll be screaming an ear-piercing scream moments before smiling at mama after I pick her up. I have learned when to expect the screaming. The list includes - but is not limited to - the following: when she wakes up, when she’s done eating, when she’s put down, when she’s picked up wrong, when she’s put in her swing (if she’s not tired and doesn’t have her pacifier), when she’s put in a carrier (and she’s not tired and doesn’t have her pacifier), when the person holding her is standing still… and so on and so forth. She’s happy as a clam when she has what she wants, which usually means falling asleep on mommy or daddy’s chests while we walk or rock. If she doesn’t have it? Hissyfit.

Worse is when I can’t immediately respond, such as when we’re standing in a store or in the car - if she wants to nurse I have to stop what I’m doing, unbuckle her from whatever she’s in, find a place to sit down, then nurse. And there’s no predicting it, either. She’ll be asleep in a carrier and then open her eyes, yawn, look around, and start screaming, stretching her legs as if to pop out the top of the carrier, and arching her back. So now suddenly out of nowhere I have a screaming beast attached to my chest in place of the sweet, peacefully sleeping child that was there 10 seconds ago and I’m speed walking to the mother’s room.

I’ve been having some serious mommy doubt the last few days. I’m happy to attachment-parent, I believe in responding immediately to a baby’s needs. Everything I’ve read has talked about responding to their first cues, before they start crying. Well I’m not doing that. In fact I’m not sure it’s physically possible. Kate gives maybe a few grunts before crying, and very quickly escalates to full out screaming, often before I can even reach her, much less figure out what it is that she wants. So I kept thinking What am I doing wrong?

And then I ran across this article: 12 Features of a High Need Baby. Bingo. I started cutting and pasting sections into an email to send to Den. Intense? When she’s unhappy she’s fucking pissed. Feeds frequently? Yep. Demanding, awakens frequently, unsatisfied, unpredictable, super-sensitive, can’t put baby down, not a self-soother, separation sensitive - pretty much everything on that list refers to her, excepting the part about not sleeping much; my Kate is still a champion sleeper (as long as she’s cuddled up to me or Den!), though yes she wakes frequently for nursing and just to fidget.

It’s nice to have that little lightbulb go off. Why yes, she is a needy baby, that’s okay, and we’re doing just fine. Just the occassional meltdown when it hits 8pm and I’m frustrated at her screaming because she’s unhappy but doesn’t know what she’s unhappy about (or at the very least I can’t figure out what it is).

I do believe she’s going to be one hell of a toddler.

As I prepared for a new baby I tried quite hard to purchase only necessities, not toys. I figured a baby wouldn’t use any toys for a long while. Shows what I know. I had no clue that babies this young were already so interested in such things! I guess I thought they were lumps for longer.

Shortly after recognizing her hands just the other day she discovered she can control these hands and started purposefully grabbing at a toy. I am really pleased with her Lamaze toys: she has the bug and flower, and the peacock. Her favorite is the flower for three reasons: its black and white high-contrast patterns (on the bottom of the flower, which right now is the side we hold up to her); the fabric petals are soft and easily grippable by her little fists; and they also crinkle, a feedback that she seems to LOVE.

It is SO FUN to watch her! In the span of only two days she’s already reaching for the toy much more purposefully, and she gets visibly excited when playing: her eyes get really wide with a semi-shocked expression and she flails her arms up and down quickly, like a primitive baby dance. It’s like watching her express “OMG! That was me, I did that! I made that sound! I’m awesome!” And we, like good, well-trained parents, shriek with joy and affirm yes, yes she is awesome. I’ll note that while figuring this hand control thing out she does not smile or coo; she’s all concentration, brow furrowed, eyes semi-crossed as she focuses on her hands.

She’s apparently working very hard because, while she only lasts for a 10 or 15 minute stretch at one time, she wants to do it often. Unfortunately she’s also only napping for 30 minutes at a time, which really isn’t my favorite. I’m a little lost trying to follow her pattern because, well, it’s not her pattern! She wakes up just when I think I’ve got her down for a stretch, and she’s wide-eyed, calm, and wanting to play again. Then she wears out quickly and before I know it she’s falling asleep again. Arg! She’s also eating “snacks” all day, wanting only a little bit at a time. I try encouraging her to eat more at once but she pushes off and cries (but happily takes a pacifier) - she’s pretty clear when she’s done. Yeah, a weird day.

So now of course I’m online looking for similar toys to buy. I’m glad I didn’t buy a bunch beforehand, though, as what I would have bought before is not necessarily what she seems to prefer now. I also have to keep in mind that her preferences are ever-changing. But it’s so much fun watching her that I want to provide her with more opportunities to learn and play!

::

I admit, I worried about becoming a SAHM. While I was once a SAHW I tended to sleep all day and not actually do many chores (much to Den’s frustration). Then I started working full-time. This was going to be a major adjustment, no matter how you look at it. I had no idea how I was going to get any chores done, or how I’d cope with not being able to sleep. Would I feel like I had too much to do? Or would I feel extremely bored with the repetition and cut off from everything?

I freaking love it. I have this constant companion; we’re a team, she and I. (I admit, I hold many conversations with her.) I keep busy fulfilling her needs: feeding, changing, playing, soothing. We dance around the living room as she squirms, restless and tired. We babble and grin as she sits on my lap, taking in the world around her. She gazes at me with her half closed grey-blue eyes as she nurses, fingers clenched in my shirt. I rest my cheek on her head and pat her back as I rock her to sleep. This is my life, and not only do I give myself over willingly, I delight in it.

It would have been much harder to be home alone in her early weeks when she hated being put down at all, for any reason. But now it’s already so different. She will sleep in her pack’n'play or swing, she’ll hang out awake and amused in her swing, bouncer, or on the floor on her blanket. I have enough time to eat (though not much time, I have to be very quick about it), go to the bathroom, throw on some laundry, feed the dogs. Those few naps when she’s sleeping somewhere not in my arms I tend to clean up the kitchen or sweep the floors. In short, I think I get more done now than I did as a SAHW - now I feel motivated and upbeat, ready to tackle things. (Feeling good about life does marvelous things for motivation.)

And the blogging? Well I admit I do the bulk of it in bed or from the recliner while she’s asleep. I am typing mostly on my blackberry, a feat that is indeed frustrating, but less annoying than typing one-handed on the laptop. (I can only hope that I’ll be as quick at it on the Droid I’ll be buying shortly!)

If only I could figure out how to function this well when not at home - that’s where it all comes crashing down. It’s all so much easier with everything close at hand: the recliner, boppy, swing, pack’n'play. When you’re out and don’t have any of those things, then suddenly it isn’t quite so easy… And there tends to be frequent meltdowns on both sides!

Trip to walmart? Total fail. She screamed the whole way there, causing me to pull over twice to try to calm her down. I seriously felt like crying myself when I pulled her out of her carseat, wiped the tears from her red eyes, and she shuddered and nuzzled under my chin and fell silent. I thought that was the end of it, I put her calmly back in the seat with her pacifier, pulled out… pacifier fell out, and screaming re-commenced. So then I switched to Plan B: turn up the radio and get there as fast as I can.

I thought she’d be okay while in Walmart. She had quieted down and was falling asleep, so I put her carseat on the stroller, thinking she’d just sleep while I shopped. Big mistake. She woke up and started crying, so I picked her up. Stupid me, I forgot the carrier in the truck, so I had to carry her in my arm and push the stroller (which I used as a shopping cart). She was okay for a little while, but then? Then she started getting fussy. Then she started crying. And crying. And crying. No amount of swaying, jostling or shushing got her to stop. The cashier felt bad for me as she rushed to get me checked out while I juggled her, the stroller, the backpack, the purchases. I carried her out to the car.

Of course I had to strap her in again. So I nursed her first, thinking maybe that would help her fall asleep - but I didn’t want to sit in the parking lot for an hour. So I nursed her, put her down, strapped her in - I even got some sleepy smiles. Gave her the pacifier. She seemed happy. Content. I tried to use a burp cloth under her chin to get the pacifier propped in there. Ahahahahah. Yeah, right. 5 minutes in, crying. Crying crying crying. It got more and more pathetic the closer we got to home - she was obviously really REALLY tired, and all she wanted was her damn pacifier so she could fall asleep. I chose not to stop, but just to get home as fast as I could.

I got home, picked her up, rocked her in my arms for 30 seconds - long enough to get her to stop crying and settle - then I put her on her belly in the pack’n'play, patted her back a couple of times. Out. Like. A. Light.

She’ll wake up perky, yawn and start smiling at me. Thank goodness babies have a short memory for these things. Too bad the same isn’t true for mommies.